Hills Doubleheader: Audrina and Lauren Finally Talk, OMG.

By
Show
The Hills
Episode Title
Something Has to Change
Season
4
Episode
5

MTV gave us new episodes of The Hills on both Sunday AND Monday night, meaning we've got double the Justin Bobby digestion this week. (You can see our recap of Sunday's episode here.) Last night's episode, titled "Something Has to Change," may very well suffer from Hills-recap fatigue. We do have other work duties on our agenda (though none quite as fun as this, we’ll admit), and our notes from last night are somewhat shoddy. Instead of going for a nightcap with a date, we forced him to sit with us and watch The Hills, and then were embarrassed to take as extensive notes as we usually do. Who wants to date someone who has to transcribe, word for word, lines from The Hills? (Please send answers to emma_rosenblum@nymag.com…).

We pick up right where last episode left off: Brody and Doug are still missing and in jail in Las Vegas. And what do you know, two seconds into the episode, mystery solved! Brody and Doug walk in, clearly still drunk, and tell a story about how some guy basically picked a fight with them for no reason, and Brody’s “Bloody Mary goes all over them.” Yum, Bloody Mary! So they’d been in the casino jail filing police reports, not actually in jail, as Brody has implied via text to Frankie. Brody is STILL wearing his sunglasses. Ugh. Lauren calls them idiots, and for once, she’s right.

Meanwhile, Audrina and Lauren both acknowledge that they have to "talk" but avoid doing so, 'cause they’re lazy and they don’t yet want to mess up their mascara. Lots of time for that later! Audrina’s smacking gum, as is her style. It goes well with the halter tops and skanky miniskirts.

Spencer tells Holly that he and Heidi want her to move out. Holly is filing her nails and is incredulous that this request is actually coming from her sister. “I bet she’d love you even more down the hall,” Spencer bitches.

Audrina and Justin Bobby go to dinner, where he’s looking a little less scrubby than usual, and she complains about the way Lauren and Lo treat her, yet again. Does this couple discuss nothing other than Audrina’s shitty social life? J.B. tells her to “kick them the fuck out of her life,” and then nicely says she can stay with him if she wants to move out. Audrina is confused about the situation. Audrina is always confused, poor girl.

Back at People’s Revolution, Kelly (yes!) tells Whitney that she’ll be styling the Dylan George event and working with some person named Lady Gaga. Wait, who? What? Are we too old for this reference, or is Lady Gaga just not famous? Lauren is assigned to help Whitney. “We’ll be watching you…” says Kelly, Big Brother of fashion PR. At said Dylan George event (again, who?), Lauren and Whitney successfully zip Lady Gaga into a crazy catsuit. Good job, girls!

Spencer lies to Heidi and tells her he “hasn’t seen” Holly. Heidi’s face looks strangely long, like the dad from that animated show American Dad. “Do you just not think about anyone but yourself?” Heidi asks Spencer, after he tells her he kicked Holly out. Um, ya think?

And now, dear God, we FINALLY have Audrina and Lauren having their friendship talk. There’s really nothing of note, other than Lauren says that when she hangs out with Audrina, she’s “awkwardly bobbing my head at the weird shows.” Heh. These "talks" transport us back to eighth grade, and not the fun, jam-packed bar-mitzvah schedule part of eighth grade, but the incessant girl-fights-and-backstabbing-and-crying-and-making-fun-of-other-people part of eighth grade. Oy, and here comes the mascara running down their cheeks. And the inevitable make-up and hug and sappy music. “It’s like everyone doesn’t want us to be friends,” says Audrina. And by everyone, she means MTV’s producers, clearly.

Next week: Audrina and Justin Bobby make progress, then backtrack! Holly and Lauren hang out! Can't L.C. stay away from these people's sisters?

And now, for our Unequivocal Hills Reality Index:

As Real As Lauren Is Melodramatic
• J.B.’s love of do-it-yourself Korean barbecue. We love it too, J.B. So fun!
• Audrina’s penchant for gum smacking. You know if MTV could get her to stop doing that, they would.
• Lo’s hypocritical nature. Suuuure, she wants Audrina to be happy. But she’d definitely say that, even without the cameras rolling.

As Fake As Lo’s Emotions
• The whole Dylan George–Lady Gaga–MTV tie-in. Shudder.
• AGAIN, Spencer vs. Holly. This fakety-fake plotline better pan out fast, 'cause it’s wearing on our last nerve.
• Lauren and Audrina’s delayed "talk." We think MTV purposefully scheduled it when both girls were premenstrual, guaranteeing some mascara-laced tears.