Last night Project Runway tried to make the statement Condé Nast has been forcing on us for ages: Fashion Rocks. Ironic because this season is sponsored by Elle, which isn’t even owned by Condé Nast. This week the designers have to dress each other in a look inspired by a musical genre. So why did Heidi Klum waste time with the pick-your-model do-si-do in the first four minutes of the program? We missed out on four whole minutes of Kenley mocking. Poor form, producers.
Kenley has to create a hip-hop look for Leanne; Leanne, a country look for Korto; Korto’s got a punk outfit for Suede; Suede has to transform Jerrell into a rock star; and Jerrell, in turn, makes Kenley over in a pop look. High jinks ensue. Kenley thinks she knows all about hip-hop. Jerrell says, “I don’t think there’s any hip-hop in Kenley’s bag of fifties-style dresses.” Sho ain’t! She decides to make high-waisted jeans with a patterned shirt and too small leather jacket.
Jerrell decides to turn Kenley Awful into Kenley Spears and creates a fishnet minidress with diamond cuffs. Suede, when he worked for Jordache, dressed people like Destiny’s Child and Christina Aguilera, so “Jerrell isn’t such a stretch.” Why, we never realized it before but turning Jerrell into a rock-and-roller is just like putting Jordaches on Xtina.
We heartily enjoy watching Korto and Jerrell laugh at Kenley behind her back and lie to her about how on point her work is. Kenley lacks the foresight to question her own judgment so this method of sabotage is genius.
Here’s how you know Kenley has no soul: She sasses Tim Gunn. When Tim suggests something oversize might be more appropriate, she throws a fat sack of ’tude in his face. Peering sternly over his spectacles Tim tells her “You need to listen. It will benefit you tremendously as a designer … It would help if you removed the sarcasm and the facetiousness.” Kenley responds, “I can’t really listen to Tim at this point because what does he know about hip-hop?” More than you, honey.
When Leanne hits the runway in Kenley’s ill-fitting pants and jangling bad jewelry, Kenley says she’s embarrassed because Leanne doesn't have a hip-hop attitude. “Leanne is not selling my look at all. She really looked like a big fat poseur.” Hey, hey, hey, girl threw some moves out there — awkwardly painful moves, but moves nonetheless — so you can’t say she didn’t do her white-girl best.
LL Cool J is this week’s guest judge, and contrary to what his Sears line would have one believe, he offers some decent insights. He tells Suede the subtlety he tried to incorporate in the pants he made for Jerrell doesn’t work for a stage. Heidi chimes in with the obvious, “You know what Jerrell looks like today? Like Jerrell.” Oh, she is clever. Jerrell really transforms Kenley into Britney Spears. More important, she looks better than she normally does, and the judges like it. Over to Difficult Kenley, Heidi says she made the most unflattering pants she’s ever seen in her life. Well, yes — 99.9 percent of all high-waisted denim is that way, especially when the fit is so bad. Kenley whines when the judges hate on her. We pray they send her home. Of Leanne’s purple shirt and black skirt for Korto, LL says, “There’s a fine line between looking like a waitress at a theme park and looking like a star.” But then Michael Kors says probably the best thing we’ve ever heard him say, “It looked like a woman going out to eat ribs.” Someone get that man an Emmy.
Korto’s bleached jeans and chain shirt wins, Suede’s boring tight pants and vest lose, and Kenley is second to last. We feel bad this week because last week we wished a pox on Suede’s house. And it worked. But this week we would have rather had him stay and bitchtastic Kenley go. No one deserves to talk shit about Tim and get away with it! So since it worked so well last week, we’ll go ahead and wish for Kenley to go home next week.
Next week: EVERYONE CRIES.