‘Runway’ Recap: Wherein DVF Shills for AmEx

On last night’s episode, Tim explains to the designers that they’ll be designing for a fashion legend. He takes them on a meatpacking adventure during which Blayne speculates that Mary-Kate Olsen will be the designer in question. Take off your hood and stop being such an idiot, Blayne. They reach a showroom and are greeted by a glamorous Diane Von Furstenberg, who’s had impeccable work done to her face in recent years. And here appears our first glimpse of the recurring theme of the evening: Kenley as a crybaby. She’s so moved to be working with DVF that she can’t stop the tears from pouring out of her beady black eyes. Annoying.

Diane says the designers will be creating a look for her fall collection, inspired by Marlene Dietrich’s singer-spy character in the movie Foreign Affair (which we have to admit, we haven’t seen … clearly we’ve been too busy watching trashy reality TV). “Thanks to my long relationship with American Express,” DVF shills, the look is going to be produced and sold to American Express members (“Thrilling!” says Tim). We don’t understand how that’s going to work — will it be featured in that snooty American Express rewards catalogue that our parents used to get? Is there some underground AmEx store that our paltry limit doesn’t get us into? 

Anyway, the designers have fifteen minutes in DVF’s showroom, and Kenley still can’t stop crying with excitement. Stella can’t reach the fabric, and Tim sort of yells at her to figure it out, which is amusing … and then Kenley cries about how she just wants to do a dress. Why are you crying about that?? Blayne is sporting a headband and chose to do an outfit in black, a departure from his usual sea of neon. Stella doesn’t want to tell anyone what her design is, because she’s afraid someone’s going to steal her idea. Honey, don’t flatter yourself. Has anyone else noticed that even when Jerell’s speaking normally, he sounds like he’s on the verge of tears? Relax, Jerell! And Korto, who has placed in the top three so many times, still can’t manage a smile. Joe’s creating some cheap-looking backless top, and he hums a Chinese-sounding song. Quite possibly, Joe and his facial hair are racist … and Kenley can’t stop freaking crying about something or other. Get it together, woman.

Tonight’s judges are Michael Kors, Heidi, DVF, and Fern Mallis, the senior V.P. of IMG Fashion. She’s in charge of NYC’s Fashion Week schedule and wields much power in the industry. On the runway, Joe’s half-kimono-like top and sloppy bottom look like a costume for the porn version of The King and I (Kors: “It looks odd”). Leanne’s dress is an elegant, long, purple-ish gown (Mallis likes “the ruffles down the back”). Terri rocks her usual pants look. Jerell’s outfit we don’t get at all — an Asian flight attendant? What’s with that little hat? Korto’s long print dress has a nice yellow pop (DVF thinks it’s “pretty”), while Blayne’s model wears confusing parachute pants. Suede shows a long, unflattering print dress (Kors: “Did she get dressed in the dark?”), and Stella’s vest-pant combo look really sloppy (DVF likes the idea, but not the execution). Kenley, for all her crying, managed to create a chic print sheath (Heidi thinks it’s “pretty,” though Kenley interrupts her before she can get another word in. Quiet, Kenley!).

So Terri, Jerell, and Blayne are safe. The winner is Leanne, and Kenley looks so pissed at this we have to laugh. Take that, crybaby! Sadly, Stella is out. We have to disagree with the judges on this one, because Joe’s outfit was an epic disaster. Plus, he’s not as funny as Stella. She goes into the room to say good-bye, and KENLEY IS STILL CRYING. For the love of God. Tim shows Stella out, calling it “an ebullient departure!” Ha! Stella’s classic parting words? “If you like my stuff, come buy it. If not, I don’t care.” Good-bye, Stella. We’ll miss your leath-ah face.