Ah, yes, the Emmys: Hollywood’s third- or fourth-most prestigious awards show. While sadly devoid of either gravitas or free-flowing booze, the Emmys have our undying love for delivering buckets of questionably dressed TV stars, all desperate for a moment in the spotlight because they're not generally invited to the Oscars — and especially because last year’s aborted (and therefore sober) Golden Globes telecast ruined their most recent shot at glory. Hell, we're not immune to Awards Fever ourselves; here's what we would've handed out last night if we'd had a dais and a good welder.
Best Adaptation of Barbie's Wardrobe: Big props to Brooke Shields for working a dramatically fluffy hot-pink gown — with a train, no less — and accessorizing it with a sparkly pin and big-ass chandelier earrings. That’d be way too much dress for most women, but Brooke is, after all, a pro.
Fanciest Toga: House's Jennifer Morrison must have thought being gorgeous would allow her to get away with wearing a tremendously shiny sheet. News flash: No one can get away with wearing a sheet, especially not one that needs its own blotting papers.
Best Argument for Green Living: Mad Men's Christina Hendricks rocked such a stunning emerald shade that we barely even noticed her weird gold headband, which made her look like she took a three-hour nap on a box of Ferrero Rocher.
Dress Most Likely to Grow in Your Shower: We love Jenna Fischer, but that pleated chiffon number ate her waist — and once we realized the color variegations looked kind of like mildew, we spent the rest of the night wanting to attack her with Tilex.
Dress Most Likely to Cure Your Staph Infection: The musty blossoms creeping their way down Marcia Cross's tutu were last spotted growing in a carton of orange juice, nine months after it expired. She really needs to stop going through our trash.
Dress Most Likely to Rust: A woman who spends her work days in the same ratty pair of cargo pants would want to splash out in something flashy, but Lost’s Elizabeth Mitchell took it to the extreme in an ill-fitting metallic number that vaguely reminded us of something C3PO might wear if he turned to cross-dressing.
Most Overdone: At her day job, America Ferrera's looks are swallowed by bad clothes, braces, and a choppy wig. But ironically, pushing so far in the other direction at the Emmys ended up having the same effect; here, it was death by yards of suffocating black taffeta, a giant necklace, the shiny clutch, busy shoes, ruby-red lipstick, and hair that looks like it fell out of a better-designed style while she was circling the block in her limo. Girl, either tone it down a notch or study with Brooke Shields.
Most Unable to Correct Being Overdone: We'd love to rip off Eva Longoria-Parker's dopey Fabergé bow, but it would've left no dress behind. However, it did give us a very cheap idea for our next holiday party: We'll just poke our legs through something we bought at the Hallmark store.
Guys Who Most Resembled a Couple of Blackjack Dealers Taking a Smoke Break: Laurence Fishburne and William Petersen, presenting together, came off less like two CSI stars than two CSI suspects. We’re all for men branching out from the traditional tuxedo, but not when they do so via the expressway to Crazytown — and in Petersen's case, taking a detour down Greasy Grifter Boulevard.
Most Likely to Have Rolled Out of Bed Ten Minutes Ago: Okay, Jeremy Piven, we get it. You're a bad boy. You probably spent the last two weeks quality-control-testing a catalogue's worth of mail-order brides and bathing yourself in bourbon, and you totally don't care about awards. But since you always freakin' win, would it kill you just ONCE to shower and shave beforehand? The Emmys aren't THAT irrelevant.