Audrina Heats Up The Hills

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Was it naïve to expect that an episode focusing on Audrina’s turbulent love life would be awesome? Yes, yes, it was. Here’s what last night’s episode boiled down to: Talking about Justin Bobby is a lot less entertaining than actually being in his scruffy presence. Even though the entire half-hour was devoted to exploring Audrina’s complicated (and tragically unrequited) feelings for J.B., we only got to see the dude once. We’ll admit, though, that when he finally did appear, he certainly delivered.

The episode begins with Audrina in Lauren's room: “This is so cute, you have pictures everywhere,” says Audrina, who apparently has never seen Lauren’s room, even though they LIVE IN THE SAME HOUSE. Audrina tells her that she spent the weekend with an Australian guy named Cory, and the girls discuss how Audrina should not feel guilty about this, since Justin Bobby hasn’t asked her for a commitment. Audrina on J.B.: “I don’t know, he’s a weird one. I don’t get him.” Lauren: “But that’s why you like him!” No, Lauren, that’s why WE like him. Audrina likes him because she harbors an immature and perverse need to feel bad about herself.

In non-Audrina-related plot developments, Spencer calls a meeting with Stephanie at Karma Coffeehouse (his “home office” is currently occupied by one Holly Montag) to talk about how he wants to kick Holly out of their apartment. He immediately starts shit-talking: “I don’t know who I dislike more, Heidi’s sister or her mom. Her mom came into town and started lighting me up. I was like, settle down, stalker-mom.” Very nice. He somehow manages to throw Stephanie under the bus as well. “I can’t imagine disliking a sister more” — that should make you feel good, Stephanie. And then he just gets funny about Heidi’s letter to L.C. “I didn’t get to read it, or spell-check it.” Ha, good one, Spence! If only he’d use his evil powers for good, we’d be able to solve the financial crisis and achieve world peace, all in one properly spelled two-minute rant. Spencer then continues his trend of relating devastating historical events to the problems of his small, petty life, equating his “war” with the Montags to the bombing of Pearl Harbor. Girls, if you’re watching with your grandma, fast-forward through this part! Shudder. Ultimately, Spencer asks Heidi to choose between him and Holly. The end of this predictable plotline is that Heidi does indeed kick her flesh-and-blood out. Holly and her pageant hair look very sad about this turn of events.

Back to Audrina: She goes on a date with Cory, who's wearing his ill-fitting white hat backward and speaking in a slow, Australian drawl. And WOW, has Audrina brought out the cleavage. If it distracts Cory from the fact that she’s totally in love with Justin Bobby (whom she mentions … again!), we guess it’s doing its job. Audrina says that it’s a perfect night to go swimming: clearly code for “I’ll show you what it’s really like Down Under…” The next thing we know, it’s morning and Cory and Audrina are eating Special K. Cory looks relaxed in his cutoff T-shirt (barf) and numerous tattoos. What the heck is Audrina’s deal with guys with tattoos? Cory’s conversational skills rival Audrina’s, we’re sorry to say. Just 'cause you have a hot accent doesn’t mean you’re smart.

Over in Malibu, the gang is partying at Barbie’s Malibu Dream House, or so we’d like to imagine. Lauren is wearing an unfortunate Samantha Ronson–esque fedora (look, so is another guest! And another!), and Whitney’s sunglasses are so big we almost can’t tell that it’s her. Frankie tries to stir up trouble by inviting Justin Bobby to the party while Audrina is cuddling in the pool with Cory. Since when did J.B. become such good friends with these guys? Frankie confronts Audrina about the fact that Brody invited J.B. to Cabo, and Audrina invited Cory, and we can’t keep track because this whole thing is so immature and annoying. Audrina tells Frankie that in Cory, she “found someone who treats [her] good.” Awwwww! Seriously, Audrina’s entire mission in life is the simple task of finding people who “treat her good,” and she just can’t seem to accomplish it. Girl needs a therapist (and an English tutor), stat.

We end with Audrina and Justin Bobby, reunited at the pool at her house. What?? How did that happen? He must have finally returned her calls. He gestures effeminately as he sits down, then has a toothpick in his mouth, and then doesn’t. This scene is so weird — and grandmas, cover your eyes, because it gets increasingly PERVY. J.B. asks Audrina to go in the pool and he’ll watch (he obviously doesn’t want to get the leath-ah jacket wet), but then of course pushes her in before she can get in herself. Oh, Justin Bobby, you don’t disappoint. Then he tells her to take off her top, and of course she does. Big fake-boob alert! J.B. also strips down (to NOTHING) and gets in, and MTV kindly blurs out his butt. He tells her he’s going to get in trouble in Cabo and then laughs loudly and evilly. “It’s on, now. I’m just letting you know, I get to use my hall pass.” We guess he’s saying that since Audrina’s hooking up with the Aussie, he gets to hook up with whomever he wants when they’re all away together. That logic is skewed, of course, but Aud’s too dumb to know it. As a reward for this lovely behavior, Audrina starts to make out with him. And then our DVR cuts out! No! Did something interesting happen after that? Or in scenes from the next? Let us know.

And now, our Unequivocal Hills Reality Index:

As Real As Audrina Is Insecure
• Stephanie and Lauren’s aborted "friendship." Yeah, it’s over … and was never there in the first place.
• Audrina’s striptease. Even J.B. looked surprised that she’d do that on national TV. Audrina, we hope your mother’s not watching!
• Frankie’s weight gain. He looks fat in the face, right?

As Fake As Lauren’s Claim That She Only Wants Audrina to Be Happy
• The whole "Justin’s going to Cabo; no, Cory’s going to Cabo" debacle. Classic MTV-generated drama.
• Holly’s ‘surprise’ at getting kicked out of the apartment.
• Whitney’s interest in The Hills. You can tell she’s counting the minutes till she gets to ditch these losers for New York.