We know that this is one stressed-out country right now: Between the contentious presidential election and our collapsing economy, all we want to do is cry into a pint of Ben and Jerry's — but we can't, because going to buy it burns too much expensive gas. That's why now, more than ever, we need to maintain a steady diet of shallow and salacious celebrity gossip stories to take our mind off our own troubles. But as the banks have failed, so too has our beloved rumor mill. Instead of scandal, we're getting D-list drama; Hollywood is serving us lukewarm leftovers when what we REALLY need is a nice, palate-cleansing gossip sorbet. What gives, Tinseltown? Where's the love?
Think about it: Have you heard many ridiculous celebrity rumors lately? Once upon a time, the big Katie Holmes news was whether she secretly faked her pregnancy or was locked in a tower somewhere to prevent her from fleeing her handlers. Now all we've got is that she might be half-decent in All My Sons. Those annoying "Angelina Jolie Is Allegedly Addicted To Starvation/Drugs/Children" headlines seem like a nourishing oasis in the gossip desert compared to the recent earth-shattering revelation (and, we kid you not, People.com's most-read story) that Clint Eastwood thinks she has a gorgeous face. We'd even prefer the ludicrous whispers that skinny Nicole Kidman faked her baby bump over the pointless assertions we have heard — from the foremost authority: rapper Q-Tip — that she is “a good mother.” What a relief! Talk to us when Sean Combs blogs his concerns about, say, Melissa Joan Hart's parenting skills.
We're tired of feeling the pinch both in the tabloids and in our stock portfolios. People can't spend 24 hours a day tracking the markets' demise or interpreting the latest polls. Without even just a few minutes of fanciful distraction to keep us from eating our feelings, we’ll go crazier than Anne Heche on an alien spirit-walk through Fresno. Secret weddings, blood feuds, and high-profile breakups fit the bill; it's deeply inconsiderate of our celebrities to be so preoccupied with important global and financial crises that they fail us in our hour of need.
However, the tide may be turning again, albeit slowly: As much as we don't want to care, we are curious about whether Lauren Conrad hooked up with Justin-Bobby and/or hung up on Audrina when she called to talk about it. Ten points to Sharon Stone for being crazy enough to incite whispers that she wants to Botox her son's feet, although her denials quickly spiked that story (besides, juvenile pedi-Botox is hardly as delicious as a dragon biting your husband). And we owe a public thank-you to Mariah Carey, whose covert wedding to Nick Cannon has finally borne new fruit in the form of pregnancy rumors. It's not much, but it'll do, and we hope the rest of the rich and famous will follow suit. Consider it philanthropy for the psychologically needy: We’re not asking for loans, we just need a shocking tidbit or two to chat about when we’re tired of discussing swing states and the price of bread. So, stars of the world — and we never thought we'd hear ourselves say this — please do as Mariah has done. Throw us a juicy bone. Or at the very least, throw up somewhere in public. Thanks in advance.
Most Viewed Stories
How Angelina Jolie Won the First Big Battle in Her Divorce
25 Famous Women on Being Alone
It’s Time to Get Over Your White Feelings and Start Taking Action for Black Lives
22 Intimate Lost Photos of Marilyn Monroe
Everything We Know About Brad Pitt’s Plane Incident
Jaden Smith on the Many Subtle Flavors of Water
Taylor Swift’s Squad Begged Kim Kardashian for Mercy
Gigi Hadid Fought Back Against a Creepy Stranger Who Grabbed Her
Adam Levine and Behati Prinsloo Unveiled Their Baby on Instagram
The 6 Best Denim Shops on Etsy
From Our Partners
Who What Wear
The Fashion Spot
powered by PubExchange
The Cut’s Latest Fashion FeaturesCiara's Wedding Dress Was Too Big for the Chapel
To be fair, it was a 13 foot-long dress.You and Rihanna Will Both Want to Invest in Dior’s New Bag
It's got something for everyone.Polo Shirts Have Turned Their Back on Ryan Lochte
Along with his other major sponsors.Ryan Lochte Will No Longer Be Paid to Wear Tiny Bathing Suits
Speedo remains committed to transparency.Laura Brown Is the New Editor-in-Chief of InStyle
After 11 years at Harper’s Bazaar.Tyra Banks Is Going to Teach a Class on Smizing at Stanford
"If I see somebody not paying attention, I’m gonna call on them."This Floating Pier Is the Most Zen Installation Ever
Walking on water in Italy.Nation Is Appalled by Matt Lauer’s Nude Ankles During Ryan Lochte Interview
What’s the opposite of “Jeah”?8 People at the Life of Pablo Pop-up Explain Why Kanye West Is a God
"I mean, Kanye West is just Kanye West. There's not more or less you can say about Kanye West. He's just Mr. West!"A T-shirt Is Enough
Simplicity, versatility, and cool. What more could you want?
She took a perfect pencil dive off a 30-foot yacht.American Apparel Is Being Sued by Former Workers
As the company considers putting itself up for sale.A Gendered History of the Tailored Suit
From Marlon Brando to Coco Chanel.How Zendaya Developed Such Great Style at the Young Age of 19
The star's best looks from Disney to now.Proof That If You’re Chic Enough, a Little Federal Investigation Doesn’t Matter
Is this the best they could do?5,300-Year-Old Mummified Iceman Probably Would’ve Been a Street-Style Star
He had several different looks and was “pretty picky.”J.Crew Has Identified 226 Shades of Pink
Even more than there are shades of gray.Gigi and Bella Hadid Merch Is Now Somehow a Thing That Is Happening
Today in Hadidiana.Gird Your Loins for the Return of Yeezy to New York Fashion Week
The season approaches.This Indie Brand Had a Great Response to Ivanka Trump
When she bought one of their cuffs, they donated the proceeds to the Clinton campaign.