This week, The Hills teaches us a life lesson (yet again!). You know that friend you’ve basically given up on? The one who returns one out of every five e-mails — usually with a "Hey, been soooo busy at work lately, let’s totes do something soon" — and who borrowed your favorite cocktail dress, and then didn’t return it in time for your cousin’s wedding (so you had to buy something new … in this economy)? Don’t dismiss her quite yet; she might just surprise you by volunteering when you ask for help moving (full disclosure: We’ve never been that friend). You see, last night — much to our surprise and delight — our old, oft-disappointing friend The Hills pulled through with an awesome, action-packed episode. So let’s get to it.
We open with Audrina and Chiara, and Aud immediately launches into the evening’s main drama: She heard a rumor Lauren hooked up with Justin! Granted, she heard this rumor from someone named Dino, who had to get it off his "conscious" (aw, sic). We learn that Lauren has already denied everything, but Justin won’t call her back about it. Hey, Dino: You shouldn’t try to dupe someone who’s so easily duped — bad form!
Did everyone hear that Speidi eloped this week? Doesn’t that sort of kill the "will Heidi ever realize that Spencer is the Devil" drama? Anyway, Holly — or Little Miss Traitor, as Spencer calls her — drops in at the apartment to see Heidi, but Spencer’s there instead. He says that both he and Heidi have "unloyal" sisters. Holly, in a minidress and go-go boots (why?), glares at him. She finds Heidi at work and they fight, blah, blah. The only interesting part is that Heidi lost her office in her demotion and now has to work in a cubicle. Ha! Join the club, Heid-ster. Then, as they are wont to do, Spencer and Heidi argue once again, and he gives her the thumbs-up, once again. Moving right along…
Back to the good stuff: Lauren and Lo talk about the rumor. Lauren thinks “Audrina is crazy,” (this becomes a theme), and of course, L.C. turns the whole thing against Audrina, implying she’s a bad friend for even thinking Lauren could have hooked up with J.B. In her misguided, self-righteous bitchiness, Lauren becomes very, very funny. “I couldn’t resist his charms, his manners, his impeccable hygiene … I was under the Justin Bobby spell!” she jokes. Has she been reading our recaps? Audrina comes over (in a white hat to signal surrender, perhaps?), and Lauren — with a still-visible ’stache — calls her “crazy” and “insane.” Justin Bobby finally appears, drinking Merlot and sporting a slicked-back do — dude has more looks than Madonna. “It’s not only you, Audrina, it’s affected all of us,” he says to her nonsensically. In the end, Audrina confronts Lauren while they're at a club (not a great plan, Aud), and we get the kicker of the night. “I would rather kill myself than hook up with him. He’s disgusting; Justin disgusts me,” screams Lauren. Oh. My. Goodness. That is the most awesome Hills moment of the year. “You did this, I didn’t do anything,” she continues, true to form. Audrina retorts: “You’re doing the same thing to me as you did to Heidi!” Truer words have never been spoken. Lo just sits there and watches, of course.
Next week: Lauren and Audrina continue to fight, and Spencer and Stephanie’s nana shows up! Weird.
And now, our Unequivocal Hills Reality Index:
As Real As Lauren Is Smug
• Lauren and Justin Bobby's innocence. No way did these two hook up.
• Audrina’s gullibility. She did believe the rumor — only someone as blinded by love as Audrina could think her best friend wanted her scrubby boyfriend.
• Lo’s visible enjoyment of Lauren’s shit-talking. You know she was like, "Yes, finally!"
As Fake As Heidi’s Oddly Crimped Hair
• The rumor being planted by someone named Dino: That’s definitely some sort of secret acronym for a meddling MTV producer.
• Heidi/Holly/Spencer. Sigh. Will someone please recap these parts for us from now on?
• Lauren’s assertion that this situation is the last straw in her friendship with Audrina. Yeah, right. She’s been trying to get out for years.