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The Hills Unemployment Rate on the Rise

Election? What election? You think you're gonna find Audrina and Lauren working a phone bank? Not this week! Instead, we get the girls chatting in Lauren’s room (and it's only Aud’s second time in L.C.'s sanctuary!); Lauren is trying to figure out an outfit for the “rock show” she’s attending that night. Maybe she could borrow one of Audrina's shirts? You know, that one that shows lots of cleavage? Anyhow, Audrina springs the news that she’s moving out this coming weekend and that she wants Justin Bobby to move in with her. Of course Lauren's expression upon hearing the news is amusingly judge-y. We foresee some awesome "J.B. tries to drown Audrina while wearing jorts" scenes.

Meanwhile, Heidi has some drama. Shocking, right? We see her and Kimberly standing outside (er, "working") for a club opening, and their bosses drive up in some Mercedes space vehicle. “Here come the kings!” says Heidi — and by "kings," she means two slimy dudes who look more like guys who’d hit on you during ladies' night at Pacha. Anyhow, the girls have to coordinate the opening, and Heidi mentions to Kimberly that she’s going to invite Spencer. Kimberly looks nervously at Heidi and her frosted lipstick. Later on, at the opening, a shorn Spencer shows up (as do all the usual suspects), and Heidi drinks tequila. Wheee! This leads to some shouting about how wasted she is, and it’s sort of endearing. But, uh-oh, here comes boss Tweedledum, and he doesn’t look too happy! “Are you still working?” he asks Heidi, and you can see her plastic face trying desperately to contort into “sober.” Then, amazingly, Spencer asks him if he wants a shot. Back at Bolthouse the next day, Brent calls Heidi in to have a chat. “I can’t have you visibly drunk in front of my partner. It’s not okay to have your boyfriend there. I fight for you all the time,” he tells her. Then he promptly fires her ass.

Now back to Audrina: She’s all grown up and moving into her own place. She dines with J.B. at a “cute” place (“Everywhere we go is cute,” he counters. Okay, grumpy…). She tells him about her new apartment. “Do you want to move in, maybe?” she asks him. Whoa, girl, relax. Justin just stares into space. “You know what? Let it happen and see what happens,” he says. We’re usually all for Justin’s incomprehensible mantras, but really, J.B., Audrina invites you to MOVE IN and that’s your only answer? Boo, J.B. That's up there with your "only time and truth will tell" koan.

Back at Camp Judge-y, Lauren and Lo discuss Audrina’s move, and the only recap-worthy insight is when Lauren says that Justin Bobby is “a man so great, he needed two names.” Funny, L.C.! Lauren helps Audrina pack (Aud puts 27 tubes of toothpaste in a box — no wonder her teeth are so blindingly white!), and Justin is suspiciously absent. Audrina insists that he’ll assist with unpacking, which we doubt. Sure, he spins a mean extended metaphor, but being helpful? Not one of J.B.’s strong suits. Lauren and Lo wave good-bye to Audrina as she leaves, and Lo pretends to be sad. Pretend harder next time, Lo.

Next week: Spencer confronts Brent for firing Heidi! Whitney upgrades to a new male model! And Kelly Cutrone returns! Thank God.

And now, our Unequivocal Hills Reality Index:

As Real As That New Club Is Lame
• Heidi’s intoxication. Her numerous acting skills don’t include “drunk.”
• Justin Bobby’s aversion to moving in with Audrina. There’s no way that guy wants a live-in girlfriend, even if it means more face time on this show.
• Audrina's hipster/skater movers. We bet that in California, they all look like that.

As Fake As J.B.’s Commitment to His "Relationship" With Aud
• Heidi’s boss suddenly appearing when she’s drunk. An MTV producer led him over there by the hand. Duh.
• Heidi’s firing. She never had a real job, she wasn’t really fired, etc., etc. We could go on.
• Lo’s angst over Audrina’s departure. Come on, Lo, where’s the bitchy girl we know and love?

Photo: Courtesy of MTV

Copyright © 2013, New York Media LLC. All Rights Reserved. The Cut® are registered trademarks of New York Media LLC.

Copyright © 2013, New York Media LLC.
All Rights Reserved.

Copyright © 2013, New York Media LLC. All Rights Reserved.

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