Fug Girls: ‘The City’ Forecast

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When MTV handed sweet but bland Whitney Port her own spinoff of The Hills — presumably because the network has no identity anymore except as the channel that brought us Justin Bobby — we had serious reservations about her ability to carry an entire series. As if to try to appease our concerns, earlier this week the network released a new trailer for said spinoff, The City. The preview is classic MTV: edited frantically for the usual maximum salaciousness, while also attempting to prove that its collection of smug bitches and troublesome boys will fill whatever charisma void surrounds the lead. Based on the two-minute preview — in which we learned that Whitney’s legs will get equal billing with her face — we've attempted to read between the cuts and draw some hasty conclusions about what's really in store for us here. Let's watch and give it some thought, shall we?

Exhale. Now, time to discuss.

Tragic "Social" Olivia Palermo Is Spencer Pratt. Or at the very least, Heidi Montag, given their uncanny resemblance. Either way, Olivia comes off as scheming and pompous — for instance, when she straight-facedly refers to her socialite ilk as "socials" and appears, through pointed editing, to greet Whitney with a smile and then frown when her back is turned. Given Tragic P's own checkered history with her real-life socialite peers, it's amusing that MTV paints her as a quasi–Queen Bee and potential villain, bookending her appearance in the trailer with various scruffy boys warning poor innocent Whitney that New York’s rich girls are just out to destroy her. We could totally see it happening — after all, one should NEVER trust a girl whose hair is that shiny. We’re hoping for at least one incident in which, say, Whitney's forehead gets "accidentally" glued to a clothing rack.

It's Bro-Tastic: It's entirely possible that New York guys are all either sensitive male models or scruffy musicians who like to talk about their feelings. But we doubt it. Still — unlike the boys of The Hills, who seem to exist solely as instigators of drama between Lauren and her girlfriends — at least these dudes may contribute SOMETHING other than copious high fives. Particularly noteworthy is the male model Whitney courted during The Hills, who appears to execute some high-level cockblocking when it comes to the scruffy Australian Jonas Brothers knockoff she’s hooking up with now. If that drama keeps up, we might never secretly miss Brody Jenner again.

Whitney Will Do What She Does Best: And no, we're not talking about whatever her ostensible job is at Diane Von Furstenberg (we'll set odds on The Great One actually making a personal appearance at 100:1). On The Hills, Whitney offered serene head-nodding and vague advice about boys, both of which dominate her moments here. Just once we want to see her punch a wall.

Whitney's New York Friends Need to Step It Up. Other than a weeping, tiny-faced brunette, who seems to be dating the only dude on the show who doesn't want to discuss his inner self (we're calling her Audrina II), there’s nothing to latch onto within Whitney's posse other than their abject horror at Olivia "Social" Palermo. If Whitney insists on being so damn calm all the time, we're going to need some more hissy fits from the peanut gallery, stat.

NYC Is a (Fake) Wretched Hive of Scum and Villainy: The preview all but depicts Whitney as a quaint farm girl braving the Big Bad City. At one point, dead serious, Whitney tells Audrina II that the lives these boys lead — which appear to involve playing pool (!) and singing in clubs (gasp!) — make her question their sincerity, as if she has never met a guy who didn't ask permission before putting his hand on her knee. Since she hardly hails from Podunk Heights, we assume this naïf routine is all for show, and that Whitney will not somehow accidentally get roped into a prostitution ring while looking for a sample sale downtown. Although that would be great for sweeps. Take note, MTV.

Related: Diane Von Furstenberg Probably Won't Appear on 'The City' Very Much
Whitney Port Reaches New, Awesome Levels of Boringness
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