Well, folks, it was good while it lasted. Last week’s drama-filled episode was gone in the blink of an eye (well, a 22-minute blink), only to be followed by another stinker. BOO! HISS! The highlight of this week was the introduction of The Hills’ first octogenarian — Nana Pratt — which was kind of odd (did she even know she was on TV?), but nevertheless amusing (Nana’s an even worse actress than Heidi! Heh). So let’s get on with it, shall we?
Lauren and Lo are in L.C.’s room, and they’re still talking about how Audrina accused Lauren of hooking up with Justin Bobby. Lo keeps talking about trust, and lack of trust, and the need for trust. These girls are really insufferable. Lauren states that if Audrina’s actually sorry about what she did, she’ll grant her forgiveness. Ah, Queen Lauren, you are so generous with your minions!
Over at Epic Records, Audrina is similarly recapping to Chiara that she got into a "scream-fest" with Lauren, and then went to meet Justin Bobby. Last week, those sneaky MTV editors made it seem like she met with J.B. before she threw down with Lauren; you got us good, editors! Aud says that Justin claimed he lost his phone charger, which is why he didn’t return her calls or texts. Yeah, we’ve used that one before. “Oh, sorry, my phone was totally dead.” “Oh, I was in a basement bar and didn’t get any service.” “Oh, I think it went straight to voice mail. You didn’t leave a message, right?” “Oh, I got a new phone and don’t have your number, which is why I haven’t called you in the past six months.” (Just kidding, friends — we’ve never pulled that last one.)
Meanwhile, Brody takes a break from Bromancing dudes to pay a visit to Lauren, and we’re actually really happy to see him. He cuts to the chase: “Why are you banging Justin Bobby?” he asks L.C. Ha. Brody’s not the brightest bulb, but sometimes he’s pretty funny. Also, we’re 85 percent sure that he had those sunglasses are surgically attached to his head. Finally, Audrina and Lauren meet (again), and Audrina cries (again), and Lauren talks about trust (again), and says that the idea of her hooking up with J.B. is CRAZY (again and again). Audrina has “lost who she is,” and we’re not even going to joke about that. The moral of the story: Audrina should use way less bronzer.
On to the oldie but goody! Spencer pays Stephanie a visit, criticizes her decorating, and then guilts her into visiting their grandmother in Huntington Beach. We learn that Spencer and Heidi see Nana all the time, but Steph hardly ever does. Once they get to Nana’s house, we see a picture of little Stephanie and Spencer; interestingly, Spencer has always looked like the bad guy from an eighties movie, even when he was 7 years old. Nana tries to make peace between the siblings, to no avail, so she invites Stephanie to hang out with her alone the next day. As an aside, can we take a moment to discuss Nana, please? This is a real-life Nana, not a fictional one (like The O.C.’s awesome Nana Cohen). What the HELL is she doing on The Hills? This is too weird, and it’s giving us the creeps. Someone who was born in 1924 should not be on MTV. Anyway, Nana and Stephanie stroll along the waterfront and talk about how Spencer is a douche bag. Nana would rather be left in the dark about all that, and we don’t blame her. That’s it, the end — peace out, Nana.
Next week: Whitney goes back to New York to interview with DVF (time to start prepping for The City, gang!), and Stephanie gets back with Cameron. Snooze-fest! Sigh.
And now, our Unequivocal Hills Reality Index:
As Real As Stephanie’s Brown Hair in That Childhood Picture
• Nana’s cute little hat.
• Audrina’s lip-quivering. For those of you who think she’s faking this whole thing: You’re wrong! Audrina cannot lip-quiver on demand!
• Stephanie’s annoyance at having to see her grandmother again, the following day. We’re not judging, we’re just saying it’s real.
As Fake As Nana’s "Story" About How Seeing Stephanie Is Out of Her Control:
• The fact that Nana tells Stephanie that “life is just a bucket of worms.” Sorry, Nana, but we’re not buying it; that’s definitely something an old person would cook up if an MTV producer asked them to concoct life-advice for their grandkid.
• Audrina’s weird voice-over at the end of her conversation with Chiara.
• Lauren’s assertion that she wouldn’t ever want Audrina to be sad. Ummm, why don’t we believe that?