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Whitney Vacantly Begins Her Move From The Hills

This week we get the inevitable setup episode for Whitney’s New York spinoff show, The City — and impossible as this may seem, it looks to be even more boring than the original. Seriously, the show hasn’t even aired, and we’ve already lost count of the times we’ve seen that dramatic shot of Whitney gazing out the window of a cab. And yet, if this were actually a "reality show," wouldn’t cab-riding Whitney be desperately trying to switch off the TV (Sara Gore, leave us alone!), bumping her head on the partition when the cabbie made a short stop, and sticking her nose out the window so as to avoid the pervasive, strange banana smell? But it’s The Hills, people! Or rather, The City. Whatever. This episode was less-than-great. Can't win 'em all, we guess.

First, we’ll deal with the confusing story line of Stephanie and Cameron. Who knew they’d been dating for that long? Spencer was out of the loop too, apparently. He meets with his sis over some tacos to talk about it, and Stephanie mentions that Cam complains about driving to her house. As Spencer puts it, “That’s just straight punk.” Then comes the kicker: “Do you know how immature and stupid this relationship sounds from an outside perspective?” Ha! This coming from Spencer, of Spencer and Heidi. We’re pretty sure he knows about "manipulative and controlling" relationships — immature and stupid, though, are out of his realm of expertise. Spencer tells Stephanie to dump Cam, which somehow translates into Stephanie unwisely bringing him to dinner with Spencer and Heidi. Huh? Later she dumps Cam, who has “had better days.” We’ll concur that getting broken up with on national TV qualifies as a bad-day-maker.

Meanwhile, Lauren's parents are moving out of their ridiculously huge Laguna Beach manse or something — sorry, we were snoring too loudly to pay attention. The only thing worth recapping is the unbelievable fact that Lauren has yet to wax her very visible mustache. Even our boyfriend noticed this week, prompting an uncomfortable behind-the-curtain talk about female beauty regimens: “Why does she have that?” he asked, clearly distressed. “Some girls have visible ‘staches, but most girls get rid of them somehow, either by bleaching or waxing or laser,” we explained. He cringed. “Do you have to do that?” Moving right along…

On to Whitney, who’s getting her "dream job and dream boy," all at once! Is there any miracle the MTV producers can't perform? Kelly calls Whit up to her office and says she got her an interview at Diane Von Furstenberg to do in-house PR. Whitney gets to flex her "surprised" acting muscle a lot in the episode, but she agrees to go to New York to interview for the job, and everyone’s wearing little black dresses and black shoes. A very pretty lady named Alixe "interviews" Whitney. Will she get the job? The suspense is killing us. Then Jay comes to visit Whitney outside the office (before she gets in the aforementioned cab). He is hot, still, and she seems to like him. There’s a lot of giggling and touching. She says she’ll be back soon! (December 24, to be exact.)

Next week: Whitney’s moving away, Lauren cries, and Heidi and Spencer elope!

And now, our Unequivocal Hills Reality Index:

As Real As Whitney’s Darker Hair Color
• Lauren’s parents’ decision to downsize. In these times, very real. Though who will buy their mansion?
• Cameron’s resistance to driving to Stephanie’s house. If there aren’t cameras there, why would he ever go?
• Lauren’s weepy, nostalgia-filled reaction to her parents’ move. Appropriately early-twenties.

As Fake As Lo’s Love of Packing
• Whitney gets a job at DVF! For which she’s totally qualified! And she’s moving to NYC!
• The Cam-Steph-Heidi-Spencer dinner. Total MTV setup, as there’s no way that dude would voluntarily spend time with Spencer (or Stephanie, for that matter).
• Stephanie’s decision to seek advice from Spencer. She hates him; like she's got nobody better to talk to?

Photo: Courtesy of MTV

Copyright © 2013, New York Media LLC. All Rights Reserved. The Cut® are registered trademarks of New York Media LLC.

Copyright © 2013, New York Media LLC.
All Rights Reserved.

Copyright © 2013, New York Media LLC. All Rights Reserved.

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