The worst thing about last night's episode of The City was that Olivia Palermo didn't make a single appearance. MTV sent the rest of the cast to Miami for basically no reason other than getting the male cast members to act like douchebags in the presence of thong bikinis. It's best Olivia didn't go, not only because her makeup would never withstand the humidity, but also because if she had been there she would have fainted and cracked open on the sidewalk. Hell, she probably took a shower after watching MTV's establishing shots (The bare ass-cheeks! The white sunglasses! The swimming pools!). We certainly did after they went to that filthy nightclub. But all the infidelity in this episode almost made up for the absence of Olivia and her bitchiness. Without her there to guide Whitney, our recap feels that much more important this week.
Lesson 1: Knowing the difference between someone you want to have a relationship with and someone you want to sleep with regularly.
Do: Have a relationship with someone if you have no desire to see anyone else and trust that they feel the same. Thankfully, no cast member of The City is in this situation, without which we wouldn’t have a series!
Don’t: Have a relationship with someone you feel needs to be spied on. Allie can’t go to Miami with Jay, Adam, Jay’s bandmate Pottsy (the original "Apple"), Pottsy’s girlfriend Jess, Whitney, and Erin because she has a modeling job. She asks Erin to keep an eye on Adam. Why any girl wants to spend energy worrying about this stuff baffles us. There are so many better things to focus on — like finding hotter, better people to get it on with, or your next hairstyle.
Don’t: Have a relationship with someone if you’re likely to cheat on them. Jay notes there will be lots of temptation in Miami when the boys are frolicking in the pool, which means his wandering eye is at work. We’re amazed that Whitney is temporarily living with this fool and is blind to this. Hopefully she noticed he looks even grosser wet than he does dry, which is truly amazing, since being wet is supposed to make a person look sexier.
Lesson 2: Looking sexy in beachwear in Miami.
Do: Wear giant sunglasses and avoid thongs.
Don’t: Wear giant white or patterned sunglasses. Whitney’s white shades make her look like a bug, and Erin’s green-patterned shades make her look like a batty old lady. They should have worn black bathing suits and black glasses so everyone knew they were from New York, and therefore cooler than all.
Lesson 3: Vacationing without your girlfriend but with her friends.
Do: Win over said friends by conversing with them, especially if they think you’re a shit because they know you cheated. Adam couldn’t care less that Whitney and Erin are on the trip with him. In fact, we never even see them talk. For all we know, MTV sent the girls down separately from the boys to shoot their respective scenes.
Don’t: Rub up on other women and stare at every C-cup that walks by. When the crew goes clubbing in Miami, Adam is surrounded by girls. The gross kind who dance on banquettes in short skirts and tank tops with shelf bras instead of real bras. Now, the producers can easily lure a bunch of chicks over with Patrón and tell them to flirt. But if Adam had half a brain, he’d realize he was on camera and that Erin and Whitney were judging him.
Lesson 4: Bumping into an ex when you’re with your girlfriend.
Do: Bring your girlfriend with you to say hi. Jay’s ex is for some reason at the giant, STD-laden club they go to in Miami. Even though she’s wearing a T-shirt with an American-flag heart on it and the requisite “I roll with Jay” fedora, we can tell she’s quite pretty. Jay goes over to her to talk about the last time she was in New York and they went home together. This is a weird conversation (why wouldn’t he say, “the time we slept together” or “fooled around”?), so we’re assuming it was scripted and edited to make it seem as though they were talking about something important when in fact they weren’t at all.
Don’t: Have a sketchy secret conversation and not introduce the ex and the new girlfriend. In New York, Erin and Whitney may have their pick of the litter, but in South Beach they are pale, not glittery, overdressed, and sadly devoid of surgical enhancement. Loitering at the bar with Erin, Whitney sees Jay go over to his ex-girlfriend. If we were in her $700 shoes, well, first, we’d be wearing something sparkly and backless, but also, we’d be in a somewhat alcohol-induced rage if he didn’t introduce us. We’d probably also find a hot guy to hit on in front of his face. Or just rub up on Adam, since we don’t need Allie now that we’re friends with Pottsy’s girlfriend, Jess.
Lesson 5: Being the other woman.
Do: Remain mysterious. Screwing people in relationships is horrible, which is why, if you do, you should feel ashamed and keep it to yourself and one or two close friends.
Don’t: Approach the lady whose boyfriend you screwed and only hint that you cheated. When Whitney’s standing by the bar being ignored, Jay’s ex approaches and tells her she was never supposed to hang out with Jay that one time and she’s sorry. What does that mean? Either come out and say you slept with Jay (ew) or say nothing at all. This is just cruel.
Lesson 6: Dealing with a cheating, out-of-town boyfriend.
Do: Drink your troubles away with a hot man. Allie’s photo shoot involves letting a hot male model kiss her neck while a guy with a mustache takes their picture from a ladder — an inside look at how creepy and awkward modeling is! Erin calls Allie from the club to tell her Adam is surrounded by twenty women, prompting Allie to take the hot model up on his offer of a drink.
Do: Break up. Sadly, we think Allie goes out with the hot model more because she needs to get wasted and get back at Adam than from her desire to do the model. But the real punishment to Adam would be genuine lust. At least they made out and touched a lot in the photo shoot.
Lesson 7: Living with a boyfriend you’ve decided you can’t trust.
Do: Kick him out. Whitney is letting Jay stay with her for two weeks while he finds a new place. When they’re back from Miami, Whitney mentions that it was weird that Jay’s ex-girlfriend was there. Jay launches into an “I have nothing to hide” spiel, which people only do when they have something to hide. Whitney says she trusts him, but “sometimes when people overjustify, it means they’re trying to cover something up.” For once we agree with her — if not her choice of made-up words — and we're almost proud of her for telling Jay she won’t be played.
Don’t: Stay together. Whitney says the conversation with Jay is making her sick and nauseated. This is a perfect segue into the “We need to take a break; get the hell out of my clean, non-hipster house” conversation. But Whitney lets Jay sit there in his dirty T-shirt. What’s worse, Jess confirms Whitney’s suspicions when they go shopping at Opening Ceremony later. Ugh, he’s probably also the sort of houseguest that leaves glasses all over the house and doesn’t ever clean a dish.
Lesson 8: Having serious conversations about the state of your relationship.
Don’t: Bring flowers. Here we are again at a restaurant with Adam, Allie, and a double-wide seat for their best friend, Tension. Adam brought Allie flowers, which seems like a smart move, but is also a dead giveaway that he’s about to make her feel terrible about herself.
Do: Have them in private. Allie tells Adam that Erin told her about all the boobs he had rubbing in his face. Adam says Erin’s not one to talk, because she has three boyfriends, which is dumb logic because even if she does, she still has two eyes that work. Allie has tears streaming down her face throughout the conversation, which is such an embarrassing spectacle that it’s hard for us to watch. Ultimately, Allie tells Adam she’s decided to get her own place and he leaves her sitting there all soggy-faced.
Next week: Olivia's back, with two episodes' worth of bitchiness crammed into one!