Mark Burnett, the television producer behind Survivor and Big Brother, inked a deal with Audrina Patridge for her own spinoff. We're not pious types, but in times like this, we can only turn our gaze upward and ask, "Why, God? Why?" Burnett said, "She has already proved her star quality." Actually, she hasn't, because this deal only proves her acting and modeling careers are going nowhere. We almost feel a tiny bit bad for Speidi, whose numerous red-carpet appearances at Taco Bells and gross Vegas parties have so far been for naught.
Audrina's show must be part of Burnett's plot to wreak havoc on America's psyche, because its success is far from guaranteed. Hills spinoffs have a 50 percent failure rate, as Bromance and The City proved. However, we spy a light at the end of this very long, very dark tunnel: more camera time for Justin Bobby! If Burnett were a true reality TV genius, he'd have given J-Bobs a wilderness-survival show, preferably with a heavy nautical element.