Not since George Clooney plucked Sarah Larson from cocktail-waitress obscurity has an unknown become so famous so quickly. But where it took about an hour for People and Us to dig into Sarah's background and deem her George's true love, Kanye and Amber have largely escaped the microscope, save for vague photo captions or blog posts. It's little wonder: Googling "Amber Rose" yielded — in order — a listing for a Dayton, Ohio, restaurant; a website for a Christian ministry; an author's site promoting Bee in Balance: A Guide to Healing the Whole Person With Honeybees, Oriental Medicine, & Common Sense; the MySpace page of a musician claiming she was conceived "on the Sunset Strip in the wake of Hailey's Comet"; a beer site; and a Vermont fleece manufacturer. We assume our Amber Rose is involved with none of those things, though we wish Kanye were dating the holistic bee lady, if only to hear him evangelize a magical bee-and-logic cocktail that soothes inner pain.
Wikipedia hasn't heard of her either — apocalyptic, considering there are entries for everything from the song "Merry Christmas, Jakey Boy," to the popular family hobby Naked Hiking. Undeterred, we sleuthed until we gleaned a few other tidbits: Prior to basking in the glow of Kanye's coif, Amber starred as The Hot Chick in a few music videos, most notably Ludracris's "What Them Girls Like." Bloggers flagged Rose as a model, and although that's often a vague label slapped on anonymous attractive women when people can't figure out what else she does, we did unearth Rose's recent Maxim-esque shoot for Smooth magazine (much deeper googling than we'd intended to do). Unfortunately, the lack of other hard facts has led to rampant, occasionally nasty online speculation that's tough to confirm. We've read that she's a stripper, a beard, a bisexual or lesbian who dramatically dumped a girl to be with Kanye, and Rihanna's best friend. RiRi, naturally, has been too preoccupied to confirm this.
In this day and age, it seems impossible that we’ve spied endless articles about Kanye and Amber shopping for pants, yet her past is a relative vacuum. In the absence of answers, we can only speculate: Is she, as she appears, the overlord of an alien biker gang? Is she performance art? Sweet Jesus, is she his muse? Will his yet-to-materialize fashion line be based on her skintight, rubberized aesthetic? Is Kanye prepping us for a revelatory MTV reality show and/or a spinoff of The Hills, in which Amber liquefies Spencer's brain into a milkshake, thereby making her a national hero and our next head of Homeland Security? Or is this all just a Kanye West scheme to create a celebrity out of nothing, and make a mystery more interesting than the solution itself? At this point, we're rooting for the latter, because no truth could possibly entertain us as much as this conjecture does. Perhaps denying our thirst for knowledge will turn out to be the greatest gift to us, and to pop culture, that Amber Rose will ever give.
For more of the Fug Girls, check out Go Fug Yourself.
Most Viewed Stories
Kellyanne Conway Has an Interesting Way of Sitting on the White House Sofa
Ask Polly: Am I Pretty?
My Mother’s Murder
Why the Casey Affleck Sexual-Harassment Allegations Just Won’t Stick
God Bless Corinne Olympios, the Best Bachelor Contestant of All Time
Balenciaga Severed Its Relationship With Widely Critiqued Casting Agents
Melania Trump Wears Michael Kors for Trump’s First Address to Joint Session of Congress
Contrary to What You Learned in Sex Ed, You Can Get Pregnant While Pregnant
WATCH: This New Model Just Wore a Hijab at New York Fashion Week
The Cut’s Latest Fashion FeaturesCiara's Wedding Dress Was Too Big for the Chapel
To be fair, it was a 13 foot-long dress.You and Rihanna Will Both Want to Invest in Dior’s New Bag
It's got something for everyone.Polo Shirts Have Turned Their Back on Ryan Lochte
Along with his other major sponsors.Ryan Lochte Will No Longer Be Paid to Wear Tiny Bathing Suits
Speedo remains committed to transparency.Laura Brown Is the New Editor-in-Chief of InStyle
After 11 years at Harper’s Bazaar.Tyra Banks Is Going to Teach a Class on Smizing at Stanford
"If I see somebody not paying attention, I’m gonna call on them."This Floating Pier Is the Most Zen Installation Ever
Walking on water in Italy.Nation Is Appalled by Matt Lauer’s Nude Ankles During Ryan Lochte Interview
What’s the opposite of “Jeah”?8 People at the Life of Pablo Pop-up Explain Why Kanye West Is a God
"I mean, Kanye West is just Kanye West. There's not more or less you can say about Kanye West. He's just Mr. West!"A T-shirt Is Enough
Simplicity, versatility, and cool. What more could you want?
She took a perfect pencil dive off a 30-foot yacht.American Apparel Is Being Sued by Former Workers
As the company considers putting itself up for sale.A Gendered History of the Tailored Suit
From Marlon Brando to Coco Chanel.How Zendaya Developed Such Great Style at the Young Age of 19
The star's best looks from Disney to now.Proof That If You’re Chic Enough, a Little Federal Investigation Doesn’t Matter
Is this the best they could do?5,300-Year-Old Mummified Iceman Probably Would’ve Been a Street-Style Star
He had several different looks and was “pretty picky.”J.Crew Has Identified 226 Shades of Pink
Even more than there are shades of gray.Gigi and Bella Hadid Merch Is Now Somehow a Thing That Is Happening
Today in Hadidiana.Gird Your Loins for the Return of Yeezy to New York Fashion Week
The season approaches.This Indie Brand Had a Great Response to Ivanka Trump
When she bought one of their cuffs, they donated the proceeds to the Clinton campaign.