People, do you know how quick our life is on this planet? Actually, we don’t, not exactly. But we do know this: We’ve come to terms with (and have accepted) the reality of spending hours of that precious time taking notes on, thinking about, and recapping an inane, soul-crushing television show for teenagers. Because, you know what? Last night’s episode was so amusing, so chock-full of Justin Bobby–isms that we feel okay — nay, proud — to bring it to you, condensed and full of commentary. So here we go!
There were two main story lines running through last night’s 23 minutes o’ highbrow entertainment:
1. Audrina is an idiot — she wants to hook up with Brody.
2. Stephanie is an even bigger idiot — she doesn't even know how to fold clothes or work a phone.
Let’s start with Stephanie, shall we?
Over at People’s Revolution, Stephanie Pratt learns about her new responsibilities as an intern. These duties are being helpfully explained by Lauren, who is wearing her workers’ plaid. “You’ll be assisting stylists, running errands … ” Stephanie’s face forms an expression of semi-delight (everything she does with her face is "semi," since it’s frozen). “Oh my gosh!” she replies, obviously overwhelmed with excitement at the prospect of running errands. Kelly walks in, wearing some sort of sea-patterned schmatte, and ruins this happy moment by immediately yelling at Stephanie for leaving her drink on a counter or something: “You can’t leave your garbage around!” Then she calls out poor Steph for mis-packing clothes. “There’s more to folding clothes than you think,” she warns. Rounding out this epic plotline is a frightening scene in which Stephanie hangs up on someone by accident, doodles while Lauren scolds her, and convinces us she’s suffering from some sort of Attention Deficit Disorder. If that girl spent half as much time working on her concentration as she did applying garish, multicolored eye shadow, she’d be up there with, um, someone relatively smart.
And now on to Audrina, whom we’ve missed so much! Aud and Lauren hang out and reminisce about their sluttier days. “I’m just content with myself. It’s kind of cool,” says Aud, rocking the least trashy outfit we’ve ever seen her in: a turtleneck. Huh? It must be to hide a hickey — Aud would never wear a turtleneck! Wait, why is Lauren always wearing plaid? The girls go out to Coco de Ville, joining Brody, Frankie, and Brody’s alien girlfriend, Jayde. And — oh wait, there’s JUSTIN BOBBY! In a red hat and black trench. Of course, Audrina throws something at him. Sigh. These two never learn. He comes over for a hug. “You can’t pat me. You want to burp me?” he asks. Oh, JB, you are the most nonsensical man alive. Audrina bites her nails at this. After JB leaves, Brody comes to comfort Audrina, and he tells her she’s beautiful. Then Jayde forces her tongue down Brody’s throat and we gag. Blech.
Steph and Audrina hang out the next day and Audrina recaps the evening, adding her own spin. “Brody comes over and is like, ‘You are in love with him,’ and I’m like, ‘I love him, but I’m not in love with him.’” Well, Audrina, the whole exchange was on camera, so we actually know you didn't say that. Stephanie stupidly advises Aud to be friends with JB, and Aud correctly predicts, “It’s not going to end good.” (And our boyfriend chimes in, “Emma recaps good!”) It’s so much fun to make fun of Audrina’s grammatical errors! So the girls go out again and see Justin, again. Here’s how their convo goes down:
JB: Do you know how quick our life is, here on earth? It’s like this. And it goes like that.
Aud: I want to feel special and you don’t make me feel like that. It’s like a slap in the face … like I’m crazy.
JB: You are crazy.
Aud: I’m crazy in love with someone who doesn’t care about me!
Us: Oh. My. God. That was amazing.
So JB leaves Audrina, and then at lunch the following day she reveals that she wants to hook up with Brody instead. “Oh my God, oh my God!” says Lo, who at that moment both sounds and looks like that little orphan in Annie who repeatedly says, “Oh my goodness, oh my goodness!” Am I right?
Oh, yeah, and then there’s Heidi and Spencer. She drags him to an overly blushed couples therapist, Dr. Mansbacher (heh), who tells them their relationship sounds “high schoolish.” Um, ya think? Spencer, when asked to say how he’s feeling, replies, “I feel like I’m in a nightmare.” Don’t we all, buddy, don’t we all.
And now, our Unequivocal Hills Reality Index!
As real as the fact that designers feel like their clothes are their “kids”:
• Justin Bobby, smoking a cig. We love that MTV doesn’t cut that out, trusting that kids already know he’s a bad example.
• Lauren’s amazement at Stephanie’s stupidity. We’re with you.
• Audrina’s continuing drama with Justin Bobby. We’ve said this before, but it remains (and always will) the most real part of this show.
As fake as Dr. Mansbacher’s credentials:
• Speidi Couples Therapy. Annoying.
• Jayde. That girl's a wannabe camera hog if we’ve ever seen one (we’re looking at you, Stacie!).
• Audrina’s new, lighter hair color. But we like it.