Remember your first day of senior year? You were wearing your new Mavi jeans and jamming to Big Pun on the way to school. You pull into the parking lot, and there's everyone, making out, smoking up. And you think, "I have to spend one more year with these people?" That's how we felt with the first episode of The Hills season five.
We open with Heidi and Stephanie lunching and discussing their empty lives. Steph is having a hard time making friends at fashion school. Hmmm, maybe that's because people don't recognize her from last semester. What is up with her puffy face? Stephanie thinks it's a good idea to invite Heidi to Lauren's surprise party, even though Lauren hates her. “You're fine [to go]. 100 percent!” We think she tried to smile after saying that, but her face is broken.
Feel the rain! OMG, the credits are new! No more kissy-face model! An exploding Hollywood sign! So much excitement.
Lo and Audrina are getting a birthday cake and we learn that Justin Bobby’s not coming to the party. We're heartbroken. We cut to Lauren, blindfolded, and then … surprise! Note to our friends: Don’t ever, ever, throw us a surprise party, especially one that involves a boat and Frankie Delgado. Heidi and Steph arrive; Heidi is carrying a Chanel bag the size of her entire body.
Spencer’s out with Charlie, who we’re convinced is a Life on Mars extra that Spencer paid to pose as his "friend." How else to explain that horrible seventies ’stache? (Speaking of which, we haven’t noticed Lauren’s ’stach at all! Someone learned something from these recaps, and it’s not you, people.) Spence flirts with a bartender named Stacie, who looks like a younger Gina Gershon and sounds like Kermit the Frog. Steph’s ex Cameron walks into the bar with some black friends (side note — is this a first for The Hills? Has the show finally embraced diversity? About damn time), texts Steph that Spencer is flirting with the bartender. Steph tells Heidi, who starts shaking; she says it’s because she’s upset, but we’re betting it’s really from hunger. Eat some almonds, Heids!
Let's fast-forward to the fight scene. Spencer punches Cam and makes him bleed! Heidi and Lauren cry and bond about being former best friends. Oh, come on, are we going to have to listen to an entire season of this? As Heidi says: Get us off of this boat!
Spencer shows up at Stephanie’s house to berate her for telling Heidi about Stacie the bartender. “Who does that to their brother?” He starts spewing BS about loyalty. “If I were a therapist, I’d be a millionaire with how many conversations I’ve had with Heidi,” responds Steph. Wait, what? Then Steph the therapist yells to Spencer as he leaves, “Have a nice, lonely life!”
Lo, Lauren, and Audrina rehash the previous night, and decide, in the end, that having a party on a boat was a bad idea. We’re with you, guys. Audrina unsuccessfully tries to join in the banter, and we have our first “aw, silly Audrina” moment of the season.
And here comes Heidi, dressed as Militant Barbie in high boots. She confronts Stacie, who denies knowing that Spencer had a girlfriend. “I’m about to marry this man,” says Heidi. “If that was my man … ” says Stacie.
Can we please stop calling Spencer a "man"? That just sounds … wrong. Heidi leaves for Colorado, and once there, morphs into Winter Wonderland Barbie, complete with a mug of chocolate and a dainty purple hat. Her mom is very concerned about Spencer’s influence, and so arranges for Heidi to run into Colby, Heidi's ex from high school. He’s cute and awkward, and Heidi’s mom calls him a “strong Christian boy.” We’ve never heard that counterpoint to the “nice Jewish boy” motherly mantra of the East Coast, but that’s awesome!
Heidi comes back with, “Well, Spencer is a purple belt in jujitsu,” which, from what we saw from last week’s fight, means he hits like a girl. Brody continues his reign as King of Bad Advice, and tells Spencer to play the field while Heidi’s away. Then Brody and Lauren get a drink and it’s boring. Brody looks cute with that hair, though.
We end with Spencer out again with Charlie, taking shots with Stacie, who tells him that Heidi is crazy. They exchange awkward, steamy glances, and we laugh.
And now, our Unequivocal Hills Reality Index:
As real as Audrina's blackjack skillz:
Lo’s dumb decision to throw Lauren a boat party. It sounds like a good idea, until the boat starts moving and everyone starts vomiting.
Spencer and Cam’s fight. Sadly, that looked real. And lame.
Heidi’s mom’s enthusiasm for Colby. How many times have you heard your mom rave about that geeky high-school kid you never had any interest in (and never will)? “So-and-so’s very handsome now! And a lawyerrr!”
As fake as Audina’s disregard for Justin Bobby:
Stacie the flirty bartender. "Pour Some Sugar on Me"? Oh, puh-leeze.
Cameron just happens to walk into the middle of Spencer’s "guys night out"? We doubt that.
Spencer's "purple belt" in jujitsu. Not possible, says our martial-artsy boyfriend.