We all know celebrities live in a rare and rarefied bubble, but that’s never more apparent than when it bursts. Take Jessica Biel, who recently stuck her foot far enough in her mouth that she might still be picking toe lint out of her molars: In discussing her new period flick Easy Virtue, as compared to her previous straight-to-DVD movie in which she played a stripper, Biel told Allure that she can't get meaty roles because she's just too hot. Any publicist worth the fee could have predicted the ensuing Internet firestorm from unsympathetic readers who are pretty sure that is not an actual tragic problem (sample comment: "Can I throw up now? Boo-freaking-hoo!"). Critics who bewail that Hollywood is out of touch with the heartland generally get dismissed as uptight buzzkills, but they have a point: More often than not, celebs' attempts at proving they're relatably "real" backfire massively because they don’t actually know what reality is anymore.
Biel may be the newest poster child for Hollywood obliviousness, but she's hardly the trailblazer. Cameron Diaz once suggested that being super-hot is just as big a burden as being fat. In an article accompanied by a photo shoot in which she posed alternately in swimsuits and underwear, Jessica Alba told GQ that it's seriously awful looking so fantastic in tiny bikinis on movie sets because then people look at you. (Cue the violins.) Law & Order: SVU's Mariska Hargitay — alongside co-star Chris Meloni —
just ended is in the midst of a public squabble with NBC over her insufficient salary, allegedly $7 million in 2008, even as the wilting economy has her potential audience hoarding its last $7. But Biel's remarks were a perfect storm of bad judgment. We can't imagine too many beauty-mag readers care to hear that Justin Timberlake's girlfriend, who just hit the Met ball in Versace and jewels, suffers because her DNA is too awesome. And unless you're appearing on Unemployed Monthly, don't bemoan your career-stifling hotness while promoting a movie on the cover of a national publication, especially when so many Americans legitimately are out of work rather than merely stuck with a paralyzing inability to generate Oscar buzz. The average consumer probably greets such trauma with an expletive-riddled suggestion that these yahoos don't know real problems.
Because stars aren't just like us, no matter how often Us Weekly proclaims the opposite above photos of them pumping gas or using a napkin. We're sure Biel truly does see her beauty as a terrible curse, and Alba gets sick of being ogled, and they believe sharing this with the world illustrates that they're relatable girls with actual problems. But, newsflash: Acne is a relatable problem. A bad sense of direction is a relatable problem. And yes, not being taken seriously because you’re beautiful can be a problem … if you are, say, a Supreme Court justice or a Navy SEAL, rather than someone working in an industry that regularly rewards superior genetics. Even Transformers bombshell Megan Fox, who otherwise has rampant foot-in-mouth syndrome, admits she's only famous in the first place because she's gorgeous. A condition that, incidentally, doesn't seem to have hampered Biel in landing that Allure cover.
So, PR teams, clamp down on your clients before they create empathy voids no spin doctor can fix. There's a reason talented hotties like Angelina, Charlize, and Halle don’t whine much about anything: They’re savvy enough to know that Jane Q. Public doesn't want to hear it. When it comes right down to it, complaining does not make a celebrity more appealing. It doesn’t make them relatable. It makes them annoying. That doesn’t exactly sell movie tickets, and we’re pretty sure that being unable to get butts in the seats is a worse career stumbling block than crippling hotness any day.
For more of the Fug Girls, check out Go Fug Yourself.
Most Viewed Stories
‘Weed Dick’ Is the New Way for Men to Sexually Disappoint You
Portraits of Privilege: A Teen Demands Mac ’n’ Cheese
How to Get Out of Any Party Conversation
The Big Secret of Every Dating App: Tech Doesn’t Matter
Amber Rose, Populist Slut Hero of Our Time
7 Alternatives to Those Sold-Out L.L. Bean Boots
Staving Off Cynicism at Comme des Garçons, McQueen, and Céline
Adriana Lima on Boxing, Brazilian Beauty Secrets
Why Do I Jerk Awake Right As I’m Falling Asleep?
From Our Partners
The Art of Loving and Losing Female Friends
7 Asian Beauty Trends You Need To Try Now
The Day I Told The Ugly Truth About My Marriage
Here's What To Buy From J.Crew's HUGE 75-Percent-Off Sale!
powered by PubExchange
The Cut’s Latest Fashion FeaturesLibertine’s Designer Once Faked a Note From Cher
And other anecdotes from his new book.See All the Street Style From Paris Fashion Week
Rihanna, Salma Hayek, and Phoebe Philo were among the peacocks.Karl Lagerfeld Won’t Offer Himself Up to Science
He says researchers have approached him about testing his DNA.Staving Off Cynicism at Comme des Garçons, McQueen, and Céline
A counterpoint to luxury-mongering.Cate Blanchett Wore a Hot-Pink Suit
Barbie, is that you?All About Chanel’s Airport-Themed Show
Paging Mr. Lagerfeld!Watch the Valentino Livestream
Enjoy!5 Things I Want to Wear From Paris: Part 3
Stripes, embroidered separates, and Céline studded boots.Cindy Crawford on Bagels, Instagirls, and Bringing the Supermodel Era to TV
And how she's helping her daughter navigate the pressures of the modeling industry.Zendaya Floated Around Paris Like a Cloud
Another fashion month dispatch from photographer Tomasz Lazar.Coddington, Kawakubo Star in Interview Portfolio
They were photographed for a sweeping 60-page section by Fabien Baron.American Apparel Files for Bankruptcy
Current shareholders, including Dov Charney, will no longer control the company.The Retired Modeling Agent Who Loves Empire
“I started my own agency — we represented Twiggy — but went off to be assistant to the actor Yul Brynner, who was dating my roommate at the time.”Bright Coats for Cold Days
New York women in winter's least-boring outerwear, from bright-green alpaca fur to leopard-print mohair.Céline’s Woman-Friendly Triumph
Phoebe Philo remains in touch with what women want to wear.Watch the Alexander McQueen Livestream
Enjoy!Watch the Akris Livestream
Enjoy!From Up Close, Raf Simons’s Vision for Dior Is Clear
And don't count John Galliano out at Margiela yet.5 Things I Want to Wear From Paris: Part 2
Cropped sweaters, a spangled skirt, and more.