The Hills: How to Get Lauren to the Princess Wedding

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Photo: Courtesy of MTV
Show
The Hills
Episode Title
Hi Lauren, it's Spencer...
Season
5
Episode
9

We had such a nice, relaxing weekend, and then we had to sit through The Hills. Although all of this episode's wedding drama was clearly concocted by MTV, it does remind us that weddings are actually hotbeds of inter-girl strife. So-and-so didn't get asked to be a bridesmaid, so she's boycotting. What's-her-name bailed on the bachelorette party in Vegas, and she's clearly a bad friend. The most genuine (and most depressing) moment of the episode was when Lauren told Heidi she was making a mistake by marrying Spencer, and Heidi responded with, "I'm finally getting the wedding of my dreams." As our mom always says, "It's not about the wedding, it's about the marriage." Amen. Good luck with that, Heidi. On to the recap!

So the big story tonight is whether or not Lauren's going to attend Heidi and Spencer's "princess wedding." The tension was pretty much sucked out of that plotline the minute the previews for the finale debuted at the end of the episode, but we'll try to ignore that for now. The suspense is killing us! Heidi and Stephanie lunch and discuss the big day, and Heidi asks Steph to invite Lauren for her. Hilariously, Steph responds, "She just fired me, Heidi!" Ha, that's right, she did. Heidi wisely advises that Lauren can't refire her (also true). So Stephanie brings up the invitation to Lauren, though only after they have a revealing conversation about how Steph incorrectly buckles her seat belt so as to avoid a seat-belt tan. Oh, to live in L.A.; these girls have nice lives (if they don't get into any car accidents, that is). Lauren says she's not going to go to the wedding, and Stephanie relates this bad news to Heidi while she's trying on wedding dresses at Monique Lhuillier. Why, why, why did Monique Lhuillier agree to participate in this? Okay, we know why, since, like, 4 million people watch this show, but ugh, it's not good for the brand name. Heidi's chosen dress isn't horrible — it’s way too puff-ball for our tastes — but we’ll admit that it does align with Heidi’s princess theme. Heidi’s very sad that Lauren’s going to skip the wedding, and the errant dress feather lingering near her head confirms this by drooping. Then Lauren again confirms she’s not going to the wedding. She and Lo, Aud, and Steph reminisce about how they all used to hate each other. Lo suggests they cheer to how far they’ve come, which is funny, because they basically all still hate each other (except for Lo and Lauren). Cheers!

Heidi has it in her pretty head that if Spencer apologizes to Lauren, she’ll indeed attend the wedding. Heidi personally drops off the invitation with Lauren at People’s Revolution, and they have an awkward conversation in which Lauren tells Heidi she shouldn’t marry Spencer. It’s actually kind of sad, as Lauren lays out all the people from whom Heidi has become estranged because of him, including her mom and sister, in addition to Lauren herself. Heidi cries, because she knows it’s true. Lauren then devolves into clichés: “Life isn’t an island; you could light up any room, etc.” — and she loses us. She still won’t go to the wedding, btw.

Okay, so on to the other action. Crazy Jayde continues to have beef with Audrina. “I have a side that wants to grab a bottle and smash it in her face,” she tells Frankie while they’re all out at the Nylon party. Jayde’s violent imagery is quite disturbing ... another case for Dr. Mansbacher, we say! And now the most amusing part of the night, by far: Stephanie somehow doesn’t know that Nylon is a client of her former boss Kelly Cutrone, who’s there. Kelly comes up to her, like, WTF are you doing here? And Stephanie tries to defend her horrific internship performance to Kelly, who immediately shuts her down. “You hung up the phone on people who pay me,” she tells Steph, who then tries to blame Kelly’s absence for her idiotic mistakes. “Are you going to blame me for your ineptitude? Bye, Steph,” she says, awesomely. Poor Steph doesn’t know what "ineptitude" means, but she gets the gist and looks embarrassed.

Spencer, after much internal debate, finally calls Lauren to apologize. Why does he still have her number? He says sorry for spreading those pesky sex-tape rumors. “If you show up [at the wedding], it would be life changing for Heidi,” he says. Is there some clause in which Speidi gets paid a bonus if they can convince Lauren to come? Otherwise, we don’t really get this whole plotline.

And now to our Unequivocal Hills reality Index:

As real as Lauren’s desire to avoid that wedding:
• Jayde’s enduring hatred of Audrina. Watch out Aud, she’s dangerous!
• The fact that Stephanie didn’t know she was at Kelly’s party. Aw, it must be so confusing to live inside Steph’s head.
• When Aud and Lo make fun of Stephanie for getting fired from an internship. If Audrina’s making fun of you, you’re clearly in big trouble.

As fake as a princess wedding planned in exactly one week:
• Every single thing about the wedding. This story line is so annoyingly fake, even for The Hills.
• Charlie. Who is that guy and why does he look like a creepy molester? He’s scaring us!
• Spencer’s lame apology.

Next week is the hour-long finale and Lauren’s final episode! Buh-bye, LC! Will we get a cheesy musical montage? We can only hope.