Hills Finale: Good-bye, Lauren; Hello, Marriage

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Heidi's just really excited to go on I'm a Celebrity ... Get Me Out of Here. Photo: FilmMagic

Last night, after watching the finale of The Hills, we found ourselves in a reflective mood. Like Spencer, we’re no longer 22. We also “already did the club and the whole sleazy guy thing.” We try to go to bed before 11. When our guy friends talk about going home with a girl and doing it “raw dog,” we have to ask them what that means (true story). We’re adults: We pay bills on time (mostly) and we make big salads for dinner! Okay, so by other generational standards, we’re way behind. By the age of 28, our grandparents already had, like, three kids, had been through a war, and were wearing fedoras and drinking martinis. We, on the other hand, still have to call our mom to ask if the washing machine should go on Warm/Warm or Warm/Cold and what the heck is the difference, anyway. Regardless, we see our changing life mirrored in Lauren Conrad’s exit from The Hills. She’s moving on and distancing herself from the follies of her overexposed youth. She’s all grown-up, which makes us happy for her and, dare we say, just a touch misty. So, on with the recap of this hour-long episode, abbreviated for your reading pleasure.

The story tonight, as we all know, is Speidi’s big fairytale-princess-marshmallow-truffle-laden wedding. Here are some direct quotes from the woman of the hour: “I want to have the most extravagant wedding ever. I want flowers galore, I want jewels. And my dress is very swan-princess–esque, so I want real swans. I want the cake to be white-chocolate–mousse-vanilla-truffles, with berries in it.” Maybe Heidi alone will be able to revive the ruined economy? She tells Stephanie that Holly’s going to be the maid of honor: “Just because she’s been my sister my whole life, so I don’t really have a choice. She’s blood,” she explains. Ha! We’re sure Holly loved that reasoning. Steph is miffed, as she thinks she should be the MOH. Then Holly arrives late to the bridal shower and doesn’t write down who gives what gifts — a VERY important part of the MOH duties — so Steph takes over. Holly chugs Champagne, trying to forget her little sister's reality.

At the rehearsal dinner, Holly makes a semisweet toast. “Since day one, Spencer has treated me like I was his sister, whether it was good or bad … Heidi has always been really religious, and has prayed and made concoctions out of sticks and berries to find the perfect man … cheers!” Oy, that is such a sad story. But after throwing food at someone (what?), Holly starts crying to their mom about Spencer and how she hates him. “I didn’t realize we were dining with the king and queen,” she says. Then Spencer tries to diffuse the situation, but only makes it worse. “I’m done,” says Holly. We wish.

Meanwhile, Spencer tries to convince everyone that he’s changed and is now a good person, or something. We sort of tuned out for those scenes, except for when Brody laughed in his face about it. “I’m not just cold, stone, no heart,” Spencer says to him. “Yeah, you are. You are but you just pretend you’re not,” Brody replies. Oh, snap. Brody, for all his Jayde-related douchiness, is really the only one who tells it like it is. Holly and Heidi make up the next day, and Heidi nicely informs Holly that she’d “never un–maid-of-honor” her. Okay, okay, okay. There’s some other stuff, but we don’t have room to write about it. Tell us what we left out in the comments!

The wedding’s in a big Presbyterian church, and if you’re Presbyterian, this whole thing is probably embarrassing for you. The entire gang enters, including Stacie the Bartender (labeled as such). Oh, look, there’s Justin Bobby! He’s tieless, bearded, and his shirt is unbuttoned to his waist. Then he smells himself. Heh. And in walks Kristen Cavallari, LC's replacement for next season, wearing a blue dress and no apparent bra. She sits next to JB, and Audrina looks pissed. Foreshadowing? We hope so!

On to the big show: Spencer’s pre-wedding prayer is amusing: “Please Lord God Jesus give Spencer Pratt the strength to not faint or mess up Heidi’s dream wedding.” We’re fairly certain that Lord God Jesus or whomever is busy with other stuff, Spencer. Heidi, meanwhile, is all dolled up in her puffy dress, jewels dripping from her every body part. “You’re supposed to look like a goddess-princess–amazing-girl on your wedding,” she explains. Oh, okay. And then Lauren shows! “You’re bedazzled,” she tells Heidi. Heh. Then they have that discussion they’ve had 112 times about friendship; Lauren is happy for Heidi or some such lie. The wedding then actually takes place (Spencer appears to fumble when it's time for the vows), but weirdly, the sound on our TV is messed up during it. Did that happen to anyone else? [Ed: Apparently so, and LC is bummed about it.] After the shortest ceremony in the history of weddings and the obligatory kiss, finally Speidi is married. Whatever. Outside, we hear Kristen speak for the first time, and her voice is so annoying. We forgot about that; this does not bode well for the future of The Hills. Lauren sneaks out the back of the church and into a waiting car, and the final shot is of her half smiling as she leaves The Hills forever. Yes, that's it. Even worse, we don’t get to see ANY of the fairytale-princess-marshmallow-truffle-laden reception with the "goddess-princess–amazing-girl"? What the hell? Like these people want privacy?

And now, our Unequivocal Hills Reality Index:

As real as Heidi’s family’s eventual resignation with regard to this wedding:
• The maid-of-honor drama. We’ve actually seen that happen in real life — people, let it go!
• The rehearsal-dinner drama. Those were real, drunken tears that Holly was shedding.
• Spencer’s bungling of his vows. Even evil masterminds get nervous sometimes.

As fake as any tears of happiness that were shed:
• The entire wedding crowd, which was reminiscent of when Kermit and Miss Piggy got married in The Muppets Take Manhattan, and every minor character showed up in the pews. Except Speidi’s wedding didn’t feature dancing chickens (but it should have).
• Spencer’s turnaround. We’ve seen far too much of this dude to believe that he’s actually changed at all.
• The seedlings of Kristen Cavallari drama. Sigh. See you next year, people.