This month's issues offered a mix of leftover spring pieces and a taste of fall fashion. Qvest dressed male models in spring ladies' Hussein Chalayan and spring ladies' Chanel. Dazed and Confused concocted a spectacular 3-D spread with fall Marios Schwab dresses. German Vogue showcased the hottest lingerie of the moment. W and Vogue put their models in very uncomfortable-looking situations. Teen Vogue forced Emma Watson to walk barnyard animals. And Nylon and Cosmo showcase some unfortunate renditions of fall's Über-trendy thigh-high boots. See all that and more in the slideshow.
Bravest Model — W
When we tried on those Nina Ricci shoes, walking on flat ground was difficult and scary enough. Model Guenevere van Seenus is standing on a knotty tree trunk covered in what is probably very slippery algae. That said, the image is terribly fabulous with the Alexander McQueen dress.
Best Chanel — Qvest
It wouldn't be a new month without a new Chanel drag spread. Baptiste Giabiconi has been an amazing Chanel drag model in the past, but he never quite got in touch with his feminine side like Sami Zeibank here. It's all in the wrists, you see.
Best Celebrity Portrait — Johnny Depp for Vanity Fair
Johnny Depp could have stepped right into a whimsical prairie set, perhaps strewn with a few barnyard animals, and looked amazing. But the plain black background doesn't diminish how freaking amazing the Alice in Wonderland movie looks.
Most Gratuitous Celebrity Portrait — Mary-Louise Parker in Esquire
A woman just doesn't pull her shirt off and roll around on the kitchen floor after she drops the pie she just baked because she almost burned her bare ass on the oven carrying it to the other room.
Most Overstyled Celebrity — Emma Watson in Teen Vogue
One of the most endearing things about Emma Watson's killer style is that she doesn't try too hard. We prefer her with fewer ruffles, flowers, bows, and barnyard animals.
Best Underwear — German Vogue
A lace breast border, panties with a rose tail, and a cone bra. Ladies, if your lingerie doesn't peek out from a neckline or make your clothes look lumpy, it must not be in fashion.
Best Ad — Eva Mendes for Calvin Klein
Celebrities as models often leave something to be desired, but Eva Mendes takes being greasy and wearing jeans to a whole new level. (Jamie Dornan doesn't do a bad job, either.)
Worst Ad — Diesel
It's unclear whether the feather duster is actually tickling her or pushing her out of the frame and into a shower. The only thing wild about our friend on the right is probably the 1-900 call he's on.
Best Editorial — Qvest
This spread is artsy and striking with a sense of humor: a man wearing women's clothes, and lots of pink. For a fashion blogger, those are like the five main food groups.
Best Value for an Overseas Publication — Dazed & Confused
This spread is 3-D and the magazine came with 3-D glasses. We didn't feel ripped off at all paying $12.99 for it.
Best Male Shapewear — Dazed & Confused
Real men have curves.
Most Overpriced Leggings — Teen Vogue
At left you see $394 leggings by Jean-Pierre Braganza and $308 leggings by Future Classics. At right you see Alexander Wang crop pants (no price given) and $355 leggings by VPL. All are pretty hefty markups for two spandex tubes sewn together to pass as an article of clothing.
Best Hat — Metal
Worst Head Appendage — Nylon
Not to be gross, but this just reminds us of South Park's famous Conjoined Fetus Lady.
Best Lack of Watermelon Panties — Katy Perry in Flare
What sets this Katy Perry spread apart from most Katy Perry spreads? Nary an item of fruit apparel in sight. Amen.
Best Flats — Vogue
By Comme des Garçons. They have feet on them. It's the little things.
Worst Denim — Nylon
The effort to do something different with denim intensified this month to an alarming degree. Surely a plain pair of jeans isn't so odious next to these monstrosities.
Best Poses — Elle
The model's stances really emphasize the sculptural lines of the clothes. She's Betty Boop and Zoro all in one.
Most Torturous Makeup — Vogue
Poor Karlie Kloss probably had to sit there for hours while they pasted all sorts of things to her face and affixed a weird hybrid of a helmet and swim cap to her head. Then she probably had to spend hours winking. Models: Sometimes we envy them and other times we so don't.
Best Props — Allure
The fluorescent light: Never hit the clubs without it. Use it to steady yourself when you get tipsy, illuminate hidden staircases, battle over eager suitors, and poke that bitch who spilled a drink on you.
Worst Styling — Fergie in Marie Claire
We hear Tarzan was booked for a shoot in Vines Monthly.
Best Proof Department Stores Are in Trouble — Saks Fifth Avenue for Vogue
How do you know a store has too much inventory? They feed their Oscar de la Renta shoes to the dogs.
Best Foreshadowing of Scary Fall Street Fashion — Cosmopolitan
"Oh yes, it's good to be bad," Cosmo proclaims in a spread about the "New Sexy Must-Haves." Rather than thigh-high boots they suggest patent-leather Pretty Woman boots, worn with a skirt no woman should even think about climbing stairs in. Sadly, this sort of thing will probably become a frequent nighttime sighting in the meatpacking district this fall.
Worst Dress for Hugging — Metal
That is, unless you really don't like the person.
Best Indication of Future Pole Dance — Miley Cyrus in Elle
Miley wears over-the-knee boots and a minidress by Rodarte on the left, and a William Rast studded leather jacket with Alexander Wang booties and leggings on the right. How does a 16-year-old starlet evolve from that without a stripper pole?
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