This week on Project Runway, we learned a few very important fashion lessons. Number one: Don't listen to your client. Number two: Even though clothes have to function in the real world, they can't be too wearable. Got that? You should be able to wear them, but not really. And number three: Everything looks better with a big, garish fabric flower. The designers' challenge is to make an outfit for their models — it "will be the ticket to their futures at a special industry event," says Tim. That's a lot of pressure to put on one measly dress. Everyone tries their best to ignore their models' wishes. "It's like designing something for myself if I was a black girl," says Johnny about his purple bridesmaid dress. Althea is having "positive thoughts" about her model, so that's always good news. And Irina's model declares, "Yes, I love my back!" Moving along to the runway show: Heidi is in thigh-high boots and looks awesome. We once tried on a pair of thigh-high boots and ended up looking like a short, out-of-work hooker. Plus, we couldn't sit down. (We did not buy the boots.) And, oh, guest judge Marc Bouwer! On his website, Bouwer describes himself as man "with a rebel spirit and a charismatic presence." We'd edit that sentence to read: "a bizarre gay alien with a bad face-lift." Apparently, Nina was busy, so she sent Zoe Glassner in her place. Boooring. And we also have Jennifer Rade, a stylist who looks very, very scared. Who are these people?
Althea — the winner!
The Crotch-Grazing Mini Suit.
The judges love this look — everyone would wear it out the door (including Bouwer. Heh). We think it's a little boring, though the gray top looks comfy and fits well and the "cigarette jacket" is cute. And it's true that the model wouldn't be laughed out the door of an "industry event," unlike everyone else.
The Asymmetric-Topped Paisley Print.
The purple top contrasts nicely with the fitted black skirt; Bouwer calls it a "good mix of soft and hard." What's more notable, however, is the judges' fascination with the fact that Carol Hannah says "y'all." "That's so cute!" squeals Heidi, flashing back to her white trash–themed vow-renewal party with Seal.
The Sour-Apple Jolly Rancher Dress with a Built-in Purse.
The cut and color of this dress are both horrendous, and what's up with those random black stripes? The top is gaping away from the model's chest, though perhaps that's on purpose so that she can store her keys and such in there. Puke.
The Tiger Mini That Doesn't Look Like a Tiger.
"Do you feel like you have the kitty cat inside you?" Heidi creepily asks Epperson's model, who had instructed him to make a dress that was "sexy, romantic, chic, elegant, classy, fitted, short, punk, and tiger." Well, he got the fitted and short part right. We like the shiny brown lines throughout, though we agreed with Heidi in that the boobs need more lifting.
The Nude Dress That Makes the Model Look Nude.
Gordana's skin-colored cocktail dress is a flattering shape but does nothing for the model's complexion. Get that girl some blush, stat!
The Ladylike Snooze Fest.
Where's that chick's back? She loves it, and we can't see it at all! The pattern on this dress is dizzying; the little jacket is fine, though too conservative to ensure this model's future at an "industry event." Also, we have our first unnecessary flower of the night — there's more where that came from!
The Long-suffering Bridesmaid with Matchy-Matchy Shoes.
Heidi refers to this dress as "bridesmaid," and Zoe condescendingly calls it "wearable." Bouwer says it's "too accessible." We don't like this dress — especially given the flower (number two!) — but to rail against something because someone might actually wear it is just confirming the worst stereotypes about fashion's elitism and inaccessibility. So please: Shut up! Thank you.
The Smurf Prom Dress If Smurfette Had Bad Taste.
Poor Logan: His model told him to use lace and make a fifties silhouette, and when he did, he fell into the bottom three. It's a good thing he's so cute, though, because that's what saved him from elimination. The color is god-awful, and why is there ribbon tied around her waist? It doesn't matter — so long as Logan keeps prancing around with his shirt off, he's golden.
The High-High-High-Necked Dress.
She's choking, someone help!
The Severe Turtleneck Mini.
Nicolas kept bragging about the perfect fit of this dress, but we think it actually gapes near her breast area. And we spy some side boob! The color combo is pretty cool, though, and we like the way the model's bob complements the high neck.
This dress is boring, ill-fitting, and did we mention boring? Heidi says it ages the model ten to fifteen years, which in model terms "is like dog years." Is Heidi especially funny this episode, or what? Poor Qristyle, we hardly knew you, though we won't miss misspelling your crazy-ass name.
The Flower From Hell.
Here's a good rule: If a fabric flower is bigger than a model's entire torso, then we will hate your dress, even if the color is pretty.
Royal Blue Flower Redux.
This dress is somewhat cheesy, due to the sheer overlay, and does not benefit at all from being the 100th flower-adorned dress down the runway this week. It seems to be pulling along the waist and a little saggy in the bust. And yet: Not the worst we've seen.
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