This week on Project Runway, we learned a few very important fashion lessons. Number one: Don't listen to your client. Number two: Even though clothes have to function in the real world, they can't be too wearable. Got that? You should be able to wear them, but not really. And number three: Everything looks better with a big, garish fabric flower. The designers' challenge is to make an outfit for their models — it "will be the ticket to their futures at a special industry event," says Tim. That's a lot of pressure to put on one measly dress. Everyone tries their best to ignore their models' wishes. "It's like designing something for myself if I was a black girl," says Johnny about his purple bridesmaid dress. Althea is having "positive thoughts" about her model, so that's always good news. And Irina's model declares, "Yes, I love my back!" Moving along to the runway show: Heidi is in thigh-high boots and looks awesome. We once tried on a pair of thigh-high boots and ended up looking like a short, out-of-work hooker. Plus, we couldn't sit down. (We did not buy the boots.) And, oh, guest judge Marc Bouwer! On his website, Bouwer describes himself as man "with a rebel spirit and a charismatic presence." We'd edit that sentence to read: "a bizarre gay alien with a bad face-lift." Apparently, Nina was busy, so she sent Zoe Glassner in her place. Boooring. And we also have Jennifer Rade, a stylist who looks very, very scared. Who are these people?
Althea — the winner!
The Crotch-Grazing Mini Suit.
The judges love this look — everyone would wear it out the door (including Bouwer. Heh). We think it's a little boring, though the gray top looks comfy and fits well and the "cigarette jacket" is cute. And it's true that the model wouldn't be laughed out the door of an "industry event," unlike everyone else.
The Asymmetric-Topped Paisley Print.
The purple top contrasts nicely with the fitted black skirt; Bouwer calls it a "good mix of soft and hard." What's more notable, however, is the judges' fascination with the fact that Carol Hannah says "y'all." "That's so cute!" squeals Heidi, flashing back to her white trash–themed vow-renewal party with Seal.
The Sour-Apple Jolly Rancher Dress with a Built-in Purse.
The cut and color of this dress are both horrendous, and what's up with those random black stripes? The top is gaping away from the model's chest, though perhaps that's on purpose so that she can store her keys and such in there. Puke.
The Tiger Mini That Doesn't Look Like a Tiger.
"Do you feel like you have the kitty cat inside you?" Heidi creepily asks Epperson's model, who had instructed him to make a dress that was "sexy, romantic, chic, elegant, classy, fitted, short, punk, and tiger." Well, he got the fitted and short part right. We like the shiny brown lines throughout, though we agreed with Heidi in that the boobs need more lifting.
The Nude Dress That Makes the Model Look Nude.
Gordana's skin-colored cocktail dress is a flattering shape but does nothing for the model's complexion. Get that girl some blush, stat!
The Ladylike Snooze Fest.
Where's that chick's back? She loves it, and we can't see it at all! The pattern on this dress is dizzying; the little jacket is fine, though too conservative to ensure this model's future at an "industry event." Also, we have our first unnecessary flower of the night — there's more where that came from!
The Long-suffering Bridesmaid with Matchy-Matchy Shoes.
Heidi refers to this dress as "bridesmaid," and Zoe condescendingly calls it "wearable." Bouwer says it's "too accessible." We don't like this dress — especially given the flower (number two!) — but to rail against something because someone might actually wear it is just confirming the worst stereotypes about fashion's elitism and inaccessibility. So please: Shut up! Thank you.
The Smurf Prom Dress If Smurfette Had Bad Taste.
Poor Logan: His model told him to use lace and make a fifties silhouette, and when he did, he fell into the bottom three. It's a good thing he's so cute, though, because that's what saved him from elimination. The color is god-awful, and why is there ribbon tied around her waist? It doesn't matter — so long as Logan keeps prancing around with his shirt off, he's golden.
The High-High-High-Necked Dress.
She's choking, someone help!
The Severe Turtleneck Mini.
Nicolas kept bragging about the perfect fit of this dress, but we think it actually gapes near her breast area. And we spy some side boob! The color combo is pretty cool, though, and we like the way the model's bob complements the high neck.
This dress is boring, ill-fitting, and did we mention boring? Heidi says it ages the model ten to fifteen years, which in model terms "is like dog years." Is Heidi especially funny this episode, or what? Poor Qristyle, we hardly knew you, though we won't miss misspelling your crazy-ass name.
The Flower From Hell.
Here's a good rule: If a fabric flower is bigger than a model's entire torso, then we will hate your dress, even if the color is pretty.
Royal Blue Flower Redux.
This dress is somewhat cheesy, due to the sheer overlay, and does not benefit at all from being the 100th flower-adorned dress down the runway this week. It seems to be pulling along the waist and a little saggy in the bust. And yet: Not the worst we've seen.
Most Viewed Stories
What Do You Really Mean When You Say ‘Basic Bitch’?
7 Reasons to Love Gene Simmons’s Daughter
The 50 Best Movie Beauty Moments of All Time
Q&A: Irish Musician Hozier on Gay Rights, Sexuality, & Good Hair
Are You Ready for Alexander Wang’s H&M Collection?
Reheating Pasta Makes It a Diet-Friendly Food
Taylor Swift Never Erases Her Chalkboard
Ask Polly: Why Have All My Friends Disappeared?
So You Want to Be a Male Feminist? Maybe Don’t.
How Did Zach Galifianakis Lose All That Weight, Though?
From Our Partners
Rihanna Won A CFDA Award In The (Almost) Nude
3 High-End Makeup Products That Aren’t Worth the Splurge
Jessica Simpson Leg Is the New Madonna Arm
7 Celebrities You Definitely Didn’t Know Have Fake Boobs
The Cut’s Latest Fashion FeaturesWalk, Point, Shoot: A Model's Behind-the-Scenes View of New York and Paris Fashion Weeks
Photographer Louise Parker documents her life.See Glorious Backstage Photos From Yves Saint Laurent’s Heyday
Roxanne Lowit spent decades shooting Yves Saint Laurent.See Rose Byrne’s Impeccable Red-Carpet Style
She looks good in pretty much every designer.Inside Alexander Wang for H&M’s Jock Jam
The sport-inspired collection was showcased on a supermodel cast.18 Perfect Gowns From Bridal Fashion Week
Amal Clooney's already influencing designers.Report: Mulberry to Poach From Céline?
The brand has its eye on accessories whiz Johnny Coca.Anna Wintour: Michael Kors and I Are Like Beyoncé and Jay Z
Let her explain.Dakota Fanning Wore a Subtle Wang T-shirt
From his new H&M collection.Anjelica Huston on Dressing Normal and Perfuming Her Men
The actress is one of Gap's fall campaign stars.A Look Back at Iconic Photos of ’90s Supermodels
Some of Peter Lindbergh's most famous photographs are now on view in Paris.
This will tide you over until COS comes to New York.7 Reasons to Love Gene Simmons’s Daughter
Gene Simmons's daughter is the crown jewel of Family Jewels.January Jones and Julia Roberts Partied in L.A.
Plus Zoe Saldana, Elizabeth Banks, Jon Hamm, and more highlights from the week’s biggest parties.Alex Wang’s H&M Collab Was Cloaked in Secrecy
Code names and other C.I.A.-level tactics were involved.The Young British Fashion Star With an Old Soul
Emilia Wickstead has succeeded with a retro approach to both business and style.Are You Ready for Alexander Wang’s H&M Collection?
But really, ARE YOU REALLY READY?Shailene Woodley Embraces Le Smoking
Two suits in one day.Everything You Need to Know About Cecil Beaton
He’s the subject of two new books.You Can Now Own $850 Hood by Air Sheets
Will hype beasts even attach resale value to linens?Cara Delevingne’s DKNY Collection Is Finally Out
Pursuing the "keep your friends close" strategy.Stylish Workout Gear You Can Buy on Amazon
Making the most of your Prime account.Lady Gaga Flew in a Billowing Halter Jumpsuit
One of her more reasonable travel outfits.The First-Ever Chanel Gym Opens in Bergdorf Goodman
It's actually a shoppable installation of the brand's sporty pieces.An Evolution of Greta Gerwig’s Eclectic Style
From Peter Pan collars to shiny jumpsuits.Visionaire x Gap’s Final Collab Debuts at Frieze
Wear your art on your (sweatshirt) sleeve.Tilda Swinton Wore Silk Pajamas With a Blazer
To a fashion show in Tokyo.Karl Lagerfeld Partied With Gisele Last Night
A big dinner for Chanel.People Are Convinced Their Birkin Bags Smell Like Weed
The horror!How to Cuff Jeans Like You’re Not Even Trying
The I-didn't-roll-these roll.
Raf takes the show on the road.DVF Will Now Tell You About Love
Reminiscing about a teenage tryst.Everything You Need to Know About Peter Copping, the New Designer of Oscar de la Renta
A fashion explainer.Peter Copping Confirmed at Oscar de La Renta
His first collection will be in February, for fall 2015.Karl Lagerfeld Designed a $175K Punching Bag
For Louis Vuitton's Celebrating Monogram project.The Peanuts Gang Has Gone Haute
With a new Coach collaboration sold at Colette.WikiLeaks Is Getting Into the Fashion Game
Seriously.A Great Fall Clutch in an Unusual Color
More interesting than brown.Rare Photos From Barbra Streisand’s Glory Days
A timeline of her long, varied career.Mulberry Ticked Off the Royal Family
Sic the corgis on 'em.
The model is still riding the wave of that Prada appearance.Kate Moss and Rita Ora Sipped Champagne From Boob Glasses in London
Plus Kendall Jenner, Mary-Kate Olsen, and more highlights from this week's party circuit.Olivia Palermo Threatens to Design Fashion Line
Just not yet.Kim Kardashian’s Love of the Boob Cage Is Endless
She’s nothing if not consistent.The Apple Watch Already Landed a Vogue Cover
On the arm of Liu Wen.Missy Elliott Rumored to Play at Alex Wang x H&M Party
So we hear.Beyoncé Now Has Her Own Shop on Spring
And she's ready to upgrade u.How to Master the Nonchalant T-Shirt-Tuck
It's all in the twist.At Long Last, Michelle Obama Wore Oscar de la Renta
Burying the hatchet.Anne Hathaway Feels Daring Enough for Mom Jeans
Bold new frontiers.