There was a lot of action last night on The Hills, much of it focused on the cast’s excessive drinking habits. (Shhh, don’t read this in front of Enzo!) Do they really drink too much? We have no idea, especially given that most of what we see takes place at parties. We do have one piece of advice for every eternally sloshed cast member on this godforsaken show — and no, it’s not to go to rehab: Get a freaking job. All the obsessing, all the drinking, all the immature relationship drama would disappear the minute Holly had to get behind a desk and answer to a boss. And if Spencer actually had somewhere to go all day, think of how functional his marriage might turn out. And I mean a job, not a “job” at Bolthouse PR. Justin Bobby should go to law school or something. That would perhaps distract him from playing his numerous head games with gullible ladies. And my job, folks? Even though my name isn’t Stephanie Pratt, my job is to call them out on their bullshit.
Let’s begin with the quickly deteriorating relationship of Kristin and Justin, who has apparently turned into an R&B crooner and started using words like “boo.” Kristin throws a party at her beach house, which looks quite different from every other party we’ve seen this season. Kidding! It’s the same old gang, Frankie included, and Justin texts Kristin that he’s not coming (“Sorry boo, strike two” — you know Ginuine’s going to steal that), but then, surprise, surprise, he actually shows. Like a third-grader, Kristin doesn’t say hi to him when he arrives (he tells Brody that playing head games is “fun”), and when she does acknowledge him, she pushes him hello. They bicker, Kristin’s wearing a fedora, and that’s the end of it.
On to Brody and Jayde, who continue to argue about Kristin over a glass of oaky Chardonnay (probably). Jayde looks sort of like a drunk, slutty Minnie Mouse, right? She gives Brody a hard time for wanting to go to Kristin’s party, but he does anyway, duh, and she follows him there, double duh. At the party, Jayde starts to cry (!) about how mean Brody is when he drinks, and he accuses her of drinking just as much and starting fights with him (“I could swear you’re the one who finished the whole Jäger bottle by herself” true story). This is so stupid. They end on a low note, as Brody calls Jayde a “wild animal,” and then says he hasn’t explored his feelings for Kristin yet, but he’s going to. You lost us at wild animal, Brody. Sorry, man.
Wrapping up with Holly, who we hope wins a spot on Dancing with the Stars for her performance these past two weeks. She continues to make a drunken fool of herself, but the thing is, we can’t tell if she’s an alcoholic or just a huge dork. We’re thinking it’s the latter. Stephanie and her massive sunglasses step into the situation, again, and she and Heidi decide to have another intervention with Holly, which ends up being a disaster, of course. Holly doesn’t think she has a problem, but Stephanie thinks otherwise: “You know my history, we have changed MY life, and you were drunk,” she says, which makes no sense. Oy, Heidi starts crying and then Holly starts crying, and then there’s a big hug and they tell her she has to go to rehab. But awesomely, Holly breaks free, walks out, and gives them the finger.
In other news, Lo tells Audrina that Justin’s not over her (LO! He’s just not that into her! What kind of friend are you?), and Enzo lurks around with a knife. Not really, but in our brains.
And now, the Unequivocal Hills Reality Index!
As real as getting up early in the morning to start tanning on a nice day:
• We do think that Heidi and Stephanie believe that Holly has to go to rehab. It’s an L.A. thing, right? If you get fall-down drunk at two parties, into Passages you go! (In New York, you just hide out in your apartment for a few days, nursing Bloody Marys, hoping no one will remember.)
• Does Kristin really have a thing for Justin Bobby? We think she might. The fact that she ran to Stacie to show her his text means she was actually embarrassed and cares.
• Brody’s insensitivity and Jayde’s tears.
As fake as an impromptu beach party that progresses many plotlines:
• Get Enzo the hell out of this show. PLEASE.
• The Brody-Kristin romance feels so forced. At least on her side. We’re sure Brody still wants to have sex with her, though.
• Last week we thought it might be real, but this week, Holly’s dancing clearly veers into the “exaggerated for the purposes of The Hills” category. The Running Man? Come on.