These Hills Are Full of Tattoos, Sex Toys, and Water Balloons

By
Kristin, JB, and a hose walk into a bar ... Photo: Courtesy of MTV

You know the old saying, folks: It’s all fun and games until someone gets hit in the face with a water balloon thrown by Frankie Delgado. We actually laughed out loud when that happened — it was a welcome relief from the rest of the episode, which was, to quote the wordsmith Kristin Cavallari, "somewhat vanilla." Even little Enzo couldn’t keep our interest, though we’ve decided that he’s actually a grown-up in a child’s body, à la Gary Coleman. Oh yeah, and we still think he’s a murderer.

We open with Kristin and Stacie the Bartender at a sex shop, browsing for Brody’s 26th-birthday gift. They choose a collar, “’cause he’s so whipped on Jayde,” says Kristin. Shouldn’t it be whipped “by,” not “on?” Regardless, they buy it, after horsing around in the store and insulting Brody’s sex skills. You know this is on national television, Kristin, right? Oh, we forgot, the bitch is back, blah, blah.

So let’s get into the Kristin–Justin Bobby story line, shall we? Not to get too deep, but it’s actually interestingly meta that she’s seen him in a relationship with Audrina on TV, and is using that knowledge to inform her own interactions with him. We’re going to ponder that more, but first we’re taking a break to get ITALY tattooed across our chest, to match Justin Bobby's stunning new FRANCE tattoo, plastered across his thigh … and we’re back, and it’s awesome. Kristin and JB flirt on the beach, hosing each other off sexily (ew), and she invites him to Brody’s party (isn’t he good friends with Brody? Why doesn’t he know about the party already?), he accepts, and then there’s a close-up of Kristin’s Missoni-clad butt. TMI, MTV. So clearly, since this is Justin Bobby we’re dealing with, he doesn’t show to the party. “Audrina put up with Justin’s shit, but I’m not going to put up with it,” Kristin announces the following day. Are we supposed to applaud Kristin for being an empowered woman? Or feel sad for her because we know her resolve won’t last? Either way, we’re more interested in the fact that Stacie appears to be drinking a Cosmopolitan at 9 a.m. in the morning. She is a bartender, we suppose.

On to the surprise shindig, which, in addition to water balloons, includes a jumping castle and inflatable waterslide. Were it not for the frolicking Playboy Bunnies, we’d have mistaken this party for a very spoiled 9-year-old’s party. Brody appears in all his slimy glory, changing one printed tee for another, and we finally understand his love for Jayde — take a look at his mom, Linda! She’s the grown-up version of a washed-up nudie model, complete with saggy implants and hair that’s practically breaking off from 40 years of bad highlights. Linda loves Kristin, for whatever reason, and Jayde is justifiably annoyed by this. When Kristin invites everyone to her house for an after-party, Jayde refuses to go, and Brody ditches her. We’re no fan of Jayde’s, but in this case, we feel for the tyrant. She just threw her boyfriend a party, and instead of staying to have dinner with her, he rushes off to his ex-girlfriend’s house? Not cool. As Brody wisely puts it, “Love is a horrible, horrible thing when it goes wrong. This is the kind thing that ends a relationship.”

We guess we have to talk about Spencer and Heidi for a second, but only a second, okay? Spencer tells Charlie he doesn’t want kids (he’s going to get his tubes tied … heh), just as little Enzo runs up to bother them. Watch out, Enzo, Charlie kind of looks like a child molester with that mustache. Heidi and Spence go to dinner. “Is this a marriage or a dictatorship?” Spencer asks her. These people suck.

And finally, Audrina goes on a date with Justin’s friend Derek, who, by the looks of it, is roughly 43 years old. We think she’s wearing the white, see-through shirt that Justin bought her last year. Are we right? If so, that’s just creepy.

And now, our Unequivocal Hills!

As real as pretending you’re not that hurt when a water balloon smacks your sunglasses off in the middle of a party:
• We’re pretty sure Audrina was telling the truth about getting on someone’s shoulders at a Tool concert (which, according to our boyfriend, is a “cult, dark rock band”), because as much as she tries to act classy, she’s hard-core at heart.
• “Only a true man can wear a beaver-skin hat to dinner,” says Spencer. Which is true, and also why he can’t wear one.
• What the HELL is going on with Stephanie Pratt? She’s emaciated, she’s lost the ability to speak, and she’s painting herself with pastels. This girls is seriously on a path to self-destruction, which is 100 percent real, and quite scary. MTV, help her!

As fake as a 4-year-old memorizing an alarm code:
• Why would Audrina and Derek go on a lunch date? We’d believe this if they were two lawyers or something with absolutely NO time at night, but we assume Derek’s not in litigation at Skadden.
• MTV definitely paid for Justin’s newest tattoo in order to get him to stay away from his bestie Brody’s party.
• Aud has certainly “hook up–hooked up” with Derek before. Come on, Aud, admit it — we won't tell.