Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! This special holiday episode of The Hills is brought to you by the Palazzo Hotel in Las Vegas and Charlie’s increasingly creepy mustache. Seriously, what is up with that dude? Who is he? His advice is unsound to the point of insane (his pregnancy test: “Put some wine in front of her and take her out for some sushi”; his prediction about Speidi’s spawn: “He’ll have an Oedipus complex” — actually, that one’s probably true), and his anti-Heidi screeds are starting to worry us. “It sounds like the black widow, weaving a web, sucking you in for the big kill,” he says to Spencer of Heidi’s pregnancy plot. As (pretend) crazy as Heidi is, she’s not trying to murder Spencer, she’s just pressuring him to have a baby, which isn’t really akin to death. Hear that, twentysomething men? HEAR THAT?! Anyway, Charlie freaks us out. Sadly, we were hoping for a Very Special Thanksgiving episode this week (or least a few quality minutes with Lo), and all we got was a lousy Vegas trip and some strippers. On to it!
So Kristin and Stacie the Former Bartender Turned Reality-TV Sidekick are on their way to Vegas. Who’s driving them? It doesn’t matter. They discuss their plans to find boys to hook up with; Stacie is 90 percent sure of finding someone, Kristin is only 65 percent certain of it — we used to put our going-out-hookup-odds at about 2.8 percent, which is why we never made it to the major leagues like these girls. (And also why we never contracted heinous diseases just saying. Be safe, Stacie!) After arriving at the hotel, the girls discuss sparkly outfits: “I need something that screams 'not a one-night stand, but maybe,'” says Stacie. We think she and her “baby clothes” accomplished that goal. They go out to some club and find some hilarious boys to hang out with — some guy named J-Rock who was a backup dancer for the Backstreet Boys, a.k.a. a male stripper. He grinds into Kristin’s horrified face, and she continues to take shots in order to forget where she is, presumably. In a moment of weakness, Kristin calls Justin Bobby — “your name keeps popping up in my head,” she tells him. Hey, ours too! So, like the hero he is, Justin Bobby drives to Las Vegas to save his damsel in a distressed leather jacket (zing!).
Stacie finds the lovebirds in Kristin’s hotel room the next day, eating breakfast in bed. The girls really got two rooms? Sounds fishy. Justin emerges from the shower, his Italia tattoo shining in all its glory. Kristin and JB exchange some romantic dialogue: “Did you ever drive to Las Vegas for Audrina?” Kristin fishes. “I don’t think so,” says Justin, honestly. How could you expect him to remember something like that? They all end up in a strip club, getting lap dances, which is pretty depressing. Also depressing: the kiss that Stacie and Kristin share at Justin’s request. So degrading, girls. This scene’s making us angry, so we’ll move right along to Justin and Kristin in bed! They discuss whether their relationship can last outside the bubble of Vegas. We’re betting no! But we wish them the best of luck, really.
On to Heidi and Spencer and Charlie, oh my! We’re going to breeze past this annoying plotline, and instead marvel at the craziness that comes out of Charlie’s mouth. “Post baby-making acrobatics?” “I have a baby name book at home?” Why?? This guy is taking Enzo’s place as our No. 1 serial-killer suspect on The Hills. Maybe they’re in cahoots, though. Anyway, Heidi pretends to be pregnant, and won’t drink or have sushi. Whatever.
And now, our unequivocal Hills Reality Index!
As real as idiot girls kissing to show off for a boy:
• Stacie mentions that she feels like a third wheel with Justin and Kristin. It’s true, she is. What happened to your 90 percent odds, Stacie?
• Spencer wishes there was a male birth-control pill for him to take. Don’t we all, Spence, don’t we all.
• Kristin’s drunken phone call to Justin when things weren’t working out as she’d hoped. We’ve all been there, Kristin. For reference, we recommend downloading Chamillionaire’s classic "Backup Plan." “You're horny, wanna grind him, but you just can't find him,” croons Devin the Dude. It’s a really good song, we swear.
As fake as skipping delicious sushi in order to pretend you’re preggers to teach your crazy husband a lesson:
• Did Justin really have to walk out in a towel for Stacie (and us) to ogle? No, he didn’t, but the producers knew we’d want to see it.
• OMG, END THIS PREGNANCY PLOT, PLEASE! Thank you.
• Audrina’s still going around town telling people how over Justin Bobby she is — “there’s a point where you need to get off the roller coaster,” she tells JB’s 57-year-old friend Derek. Sigh.