Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! This special holiday episode of The Hills is brought to you by the Palazzo Hotel in Las Vegas and Charlie’s increasingly creepy mustache. Seriously, what is up with that dude? Who is he? His advice is unsound to the point of insane (his pregnancy test: “Put some wine in front of her and take her out for some sushi”; his prediction about Speidi’s spawn: “He’ll have an Oedipus complex” — actually, that one’s probably true), and his anti-Heidi screeds are starting to worry us. “It sounds like the black widow, weaving a web, sucking you in for the big kill,” he says to Spencer of Heidi’s pregnancy plot. As (pretend) crazy as Heidi is, she’s not trying to murder Spencer, she’s just pressuring him to have a baby, which isn’t really akin to death. Hear that, twentysomething men? HEAR THAT?! Anyway, Charlie freaks us out. Sadly, we were hoping for a Very Special Thanksgiving episode this week (or least a few quality minutes with Lo), and all we got was a lousy Vegas trip and some strippers. On to it!
So Kristin and Stacie the Former Bartender Turned Reality-TV Sidekick are on their way to Vegas. Who’s driving them? It doesn’t matter. They discuss their plans to find boys to hook up with; Stacie is 90 percent sure of finding someone, Kristin is only 65 percent certain of it — we used to put our going-out-hookup-odds at about 2.8 percent, which is why we never made it to the major leagues like these girls. (And also why we never contracted heinous diseases just saying. Be safe, Stacie!) After arriving at the hotel, the girls discuss sparkly outfits: “I need something that screams 'not a one-night stand, but maybe,'” says Stacie. We think she and her “baby clothes” accomplished that goal. They go out to some club and find some hilarious boys to hang out with — some guy named J-Rock who was a backup dancer for the Backstreet Boys, a.k.a. a male stripper. He grinds into Kristin’s horrified face, and she continues to take shots in order to forget where she is, presumably. In a moment of weakness, Kristin calls Justin Bobby — “your name keeps popping up in my head,” she tells him. Hey, ours too! So, like the hero he is, Justin Bobby drives to Las Vegas to save his damsel in a distressed leather jacket (zing!).
Stacie finds the lovebirds in Kristin’s hotel room the next day, eating breakfast in bed. The girls really got two rooms? Sounds fishy. Justin emerges from the shower, his Italia tattoo shining in all its glory. Kristin and JB exchange some romantic dialogue: “Did you ever drive to Las Vegas for Audrina?” Kristin fishes. “I don’t think so,” says Justin, honestly. How could you expect him to remember something like that? They all end up in a strip club, getting lap dances, which is pretty depressing. Also depressing: the kiss that Stacie and Kristin share at Justin’s request. So degrading, girls. This scene’s making us angry, so we’ll move right along to Justin and Kristin in bed! They discuss whether their relationship can last outside the bubble of Vegas. We’re betting no! But we wish them the best of luck, really.
On to Heidi and Spencer and Charlie, oh my! We’re going to breeze past this annoying plotline, and instead marvel at the craziness that comes out of Charlie’s mouth. “Post baby-making acrobatics?” “I have a baby name book at home?” Why?? This guy is taking Enzo’s place as our No. 1 serial-killer suspect on The Hills. Maybe they’re in cahoots, though. Anyway, Heidi pretends to be pregnant, and won’t drink or have sushi. Whatever.
And now, our unequivocal Hills Reality Index!
As real as idiot girls kissing to show off for a boy:
• Stacie mentions that she feels like a third wheel with Justin and Kristin. It’s true, she is. What happened to your 90 percent odds, Stacie?
• Spencer wishes there was a male birth-control pill for him to take. Don’t we all, Spence, don’t we all.
• Kristin’s drunken phone call to Justin when things weren’t working out as she’d hoped. We’ve all been there, Kristin. For reference, we recommend downloading Chamillionaire’s classic "Backup Plan." “You're horny, wanna grind him, but you just can't find him,” croons Devin the Dude. It’s a really good song, we swear.
As fake as skipping delicious sushi in order to pretend you’re preggers to teach your crazy husband a lesson:
• Did Justin really have to walk out in a towel for Stacie (and us) to ogle? No, he didn’t, but the producers knew we’d want to see it.
• OMG, END THIS PREGNANCY PLOT, PLEASE! Thank you.
• Audrina’s still going around town telling people how over Justin Bobby she is — “there’s a point where you need to get off the roller coaster,” she tells JB’s 57-year-old friend Derek. Sigh.
Most Viewed Stories
Mary-Kate Olsen Strains Every Muscle in Her Face in an Attempt to Smile
The Fashion Executive Who Doesn’t Wear Underwear on Dates
25 Famous Women on Being Alone
22 Intimate Lost Photos of Marilyn Monroe
Prince George Has No Time for Justin Trudeau’s High Fives
How Angelina Jolie Won the First Big Battle in Her Divorce
It’s Time to Get Over Your White Feelings and Start Taking Action for Black Lives
The Will & Grace Reunion Was Intensely Documented for Social Media
Madame Clairevoyant: Horoscopes for the Week of September 26
Los Angeles Police Confirm Active Criminal Investigation Against Derrick Rose
From Our Partners
powered by PubExchange
Latest News from The Cut2009 Called — It Wants Its Vogue-Versus-Bloggers Fight Back.
Vogue called blogging “pathetic,” and bloggers were not pleased.I Can’t Believe I Like This Victoria’s Secret Beauty Product
And why you’ll love it, too.Cheap Thrill: The Perfect Pair of High-Waisted Jeans
Swedish denim label Dr. Denim is here to make denim shopping a lot easier.Vanderpump Rules Drama Is the Only Constant in This Crazy Thing We Call Life
Season five arrives on November 7.Emily Kinney on Life After The Walking Dead
Her new show Conviction premieres next Monday on ABC.5 Things on Sale That You’ll Actually Want to Buy: From Saint Laurent Jeans to an Isabel Marant Sweater
We dug through the internet to bring you some great deals.Here’s One Reason Why Women Are Underrepresented in Politics
It starts at the local level.Rob Kardashian Meets Chyna’s Parents and They All Take a Trip to a Strip Club
They also have a Fourth of July block party.My Favorite Fruit-Shaped Hand Cream Doubles As a Pill Holder
Can also hold gum, almonds, and paper-clips.Mary-Kate Olsen Strains Every Muscle in Her Face in an Attempt to Smile
It was a good effort.
Including an impromptu Weasley family look for a Potter-themed party.All It Took for Anti-Vaxxer to Admit She Was Wrong Was Her Entire Family Getting Sick
Rotavirus made her change her tune.Aparna Nancherla on Sad Girl Twitter, Period Tech, and Vocal Fry
The comedian has a new season of Womanhood coming out soon.Tom Hiddleston Caught Deep in Conversation With a Dog
Hiddleston's canine companions steal the show in his new Gucci ads.More of the Best Street Style From Milan Fashion Week
Sleeveless fur, seashell coats, and Jourdan Dunn in schoolgirl plaid.To the Eternal Relief of Amanda Chantal Bacon, Father John Misty Has Deactivated His Twitter and Instagram
Amanda Chantal Bacon’s good crystal vibes have worked in her favor.Decadent Jewels in the Midst of Destruction
Where diamonds and rubies collide with the grotesque.Desperate Tom Hanks Scours City in Search of Weddings to Crash
He’s at it again.A Brief Encounter With the Screaming Reality Stars of Marriage Boot Camp
Jim and Amber Marchese explain that alleged domestic-violence incident, while Jade and Tanner Tolbert promise to make more reality TV.Imagine Being Able to Get a Year’s Worth of Birth Control at Once
California women can, starting in January.