No real surprises here, folks. Irina takes the crown, as we knew she would, which is preceded by a dramaless finale, the highlight of which is a Tim freakout the likes of which we’ve never seen. We learn that Michael Kors is one of those people who wear sunglasses indoors, Nina has emotions, and Heidi calls her dad “Papa.” But first things first: When we start out, Carol Hannah is still feeling horrible and nauseated, which even melts the heart of stone-cold Irina (just a little). At least she gets a big hug from Logan to make her feel better. At the hair and makeup consultation, Carol Hannah wants soft and pretty, while Irina and Althea both want dark smudge. Tim points out that their beauty schemes are basically the same, and Irina again accuses Althea of copying her (while she seems to be completely fine with copying us!). We watched the episode with our mom, and were treated to some over-55-year-old gems. “She is just a witch,” she said of Irina (Mom doesn’t curse). Tim, meanwhile, calls it a “make-it-work moment.” The morning of the runway show, the designers have to get up at 3:30 a.m. to prep their collections. The show is running behind schedule, and in the most amusing moment of the night, Tim has a hissy. “I am about to lose it!” he yells, running around like a lunatic attempting to hurry everyone the eff up. It finally all comes together as the tent fills up. Althea introduces her collection first — “I’m showing you a piece of my soul,” she says, mentioning she was inspired by sci-fi movies from the fifties and sixties (where’s Ra’mon when you need him?). Carol Hannah calls her show “near and dear to my heart,” and then Irina comes out and says her collection is “what it takes to survive in the city as a woman!” Really? All we need is a big sweater with sleeves that are twice as long as our arms? Interesting. “Just ’cause you don’t like Irina, doesn’t mean there aren’t a lot of people supporting her,” says our mom, wisely. And it’s true, she gets the win. So let’s see how the designers did, shall we?
Irina: Look 1
Irina’s first look is a bulletproof-esque vest. The sleeves are too long for the model, which is a recurring theme throughout her (and Althea’s) collection. Is that, like, a thing that we don’t know about? Since we use our hands all day, it seems kind of unproductive to keep them covered up. How would we type in that sweater, is what we want to know.
Irina: Look 2
Oh look, I’m wearing a little beanie on my head! And it looks dumb! The black jacket is nicely structured, and we like the plush-looking collar. So much black, though, already.
Irina: Look 3
We like the neckline of this sweater and the detailing throughout. Also, those leather gloves would probably be very useful swine-flu barriers on the subway. This collection is all about protecting city women, right?
Irina: Look 4
Help, I’m being swallowed whole by a big sweater! And I can’t find my hands! This look isn’t flattering at all, it’s just too bulky for anyone under five foot eight.
Irina: Look 5
This next sweater looks kind of like this homemade one we bought on the streets of Paris as a teenager and which, when wet, smelled like a dead sheep. But the shape is interesting, and we like the color.
Irina: Look 6
A nice but boring fur vest.
Irina: Look 7
Okay, these beanies are freaking us out. They’re like little black condoms atop the models’ heads. This dress is sort of cool, but a little confused, though that’s probably the point. The pleating on the bottom wouldn’t flatter many figures, but the top leather area is well fit and striking.
Irina: Look 8
We love the soothing color and shape of this coat. The collar’s a little too big, but otherwise the proportions work.
Irina: Look 9
A lovely black coat, but where’s the wow factor, Irina? Wow factor!
Irina: Look 10
Ding, ding, ding! — it's our "Reasons to Love" plagiarism! Good thing that beanie has a chain; otherwise we’d rip it off her head. Nina calls the T-shirts “refreshing.” (Though she still calls Irina out for using all black after she’d advised against it.)
Irina: Look 11
Is that a scarf? And we’re sorry, but those pants would not protect a city woman against the heinous wind of New York. Like, at all.
Irina: Look 12
The beanie top is expanding, which is frightening. This evening top is very pretty, what with the shine incorporated into the knit, but it doesn’t read very well on the runway.
Irina: Look 13
This gown seems a little forced, but it’s certainly attractive and flattering. And we think the asymmetric strap is pretty useless. So Irina’s the winner, as the judges decided that her collection was the only one that really had a point of view. Which is ... black? No, we see what they’re saying, though we weren’t as impressed. Oh well, next season will come soon enough.
Carol Hannah: Look 1
Ohhh, nice dress, Carol Hannah! The graphic print stands out, and the color combo adds drama. Nina calls it “very spirited.”
Carol Hannah: Look 2
It’s a tutu! With a turtleneck! Fun.
Carol Hannah: Look 3
When Carol Hannah doesn’t do dresses, clearly the design suffers. What are those rolly necklace extensions for? We’re not feeling them.
Carol Hannah: Look 4
This is a very chic LBD. Though we’re always wary of too much volume adding on pounds if you’re not a six-foot model. But the construction is great.
Carol Hannah: Look 5
This dress is very Carol Hannah — romantic with a modern touch. The black chest strap reminds us of a camping-backpack support, which is inducing some post-traumatic stress.
Carol Hannah: Look 6
This dress looks way better on TV than it does in this picture. We’re not big floral-appliqué fans, but this isn’t our favorite. It also looks kind of hard to walk in.
Carol Hannah: Look 7
Another crazy tutu! But not as cute as the first one. And then necktie is too stewardess for our taste. Fasten your seatbelts; my tutu might attack you. Or something.
Carol Hannah: Look 8
Is this maternitywear? No? Oh.
Carol Hannah: Look 9
This is a beautiful red-carpet look. We love the color and the neckline, and it forgives the tummy area nicely.
Carol Hannah: Look 10
A little bridesmaidesque — maybe it’d work better without the ginormous flower? But it’s right in Carol Hannah’s wheelhouse.
Carol Hannah: Look 11
It’s Superwoman! In green metallic shorts. We don’t understand this.
Carol Hannah: Look 12
This kind of looks like a big designer jellyfish.
Carol Hannah: Look 13
This gold gown finished Carol Hannah’s collection well, though it’s a little Oscar statuette-esque. It’s too bad her collection lacked coherence, because individually, we liked her looks the best (and maybe we were biased by her spunky personality). Feel better, Carol Hannah! See you never again.
Althea: Look 1
Why are all the sleeves too long? The sweater is well made, and again, looks comfy, but fashion isn’t about comfort, people! Maybe that’s why it’s over a leather jumpsuit.
Althea: Look 2
I see London, I see France, I see the model’s crotch. The top detail on this otherwise plain black dress keeps it from being too boring, and we like the double belt.
Althea: Look 3
Althea does high-end streetwear with a little leath-a jacket and some tan silk pants.
Althea: Look 4
Where do you wear this outfit? Around Aspen? Around heaven? The crotch is bulging, and the bottom of the pants aren’t working for us. Our mom calls it “pretty,” though.
Althea: Look 5
The fact that these pants make this model look a normal size (instead of a 00), says something about their unflattering nature. But the rest of the hip suit works well, and we love the jacket and want it.
Althea: Look 6
Someone stole my shirt! The bulkiness of this sweater is off-putting, and the shoulders are too severe, in our opinion. The model has the most impressive chest we’ve ever seen.
Althea: Look 7
"Hey guys, I’m here in my strangely shaped leather jumpsuit, ready to get down!"
Althea: Look 8
This is a cute but unremarkable off-the-shoulder eighties sweater. The leather skirt is just the right length.
Althea: Look 9
Look, a color! Thank God! This green dress is awesome — we’d like to see it without the leather jacket on top. Nina loves it, BTW.
Althea: Look 10
This evening look is pretty; we love the silver top, but it’s too long on the bottom. Mid-calf cutoff! Mortal sin.
Althea: Look 11
This dress is a little Contempo Casuals, but it works. The draping gives it a nice shape, and that gray is quite chic.
Althea: Look 12
We actually really like this white dress. The fabric looks expensive, and the leather belt gives it an edge. We’re not in love with the length, but beggars can’t be choosers, as the saying goes.
Althea: Look 13
On this model, this dress is gorgeous. It would make us look like a washed-out sausage. But that’s not the point, we know. Overall, Althea’s collection impressed the judges, but they didn’t think it got to the “futuristic” heart of what she was going for. Well, duh. But Suzy saw “some great knitwear,” and Althea is happy just being a finalist.
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