There are so many ridiculous things to touch on in this week’s episode of The Hills, it’s hard to know where to start. Another girl fight? A repeat performance from Brody’s scary mom, Linda? Little Enzo's continuing reign of terror? Dr. Safir, urologist to the stars? All these absurdities were worth it, though, to finally get to this line: "I’d give you my jacket, but I don’t have anything under it.” That’s right, folks, Justin Bobby came to the rescue, saving the episode from being one of gratuitous violence and embarrassing medical advice, instead guiding it to the territory of absolute hilarity. As Jayde so wisely puts it, “This is going to be the best night in the club!”
First, there's Kristin and Brody, who’ve decided to fake-date now that he and Jayde are on a break. Brody takes Kristin to visit his mom, Linda, who’s like the Ghost of Christmas Future for these silly girls. Take heed, Kristin! Poor Linda clearly wants to be on TV because she thinks she looks good and is cool, neither of which is correct. She makes a joke about her dog: "He coddles, he snores, he emits gas he’s just like a man!” Zing! And then her face slides off of her skull from the weight of her collagen fillers. Linda wants Brody to date Kristin, but we can’t pay attention to what she says, because we’re focused instead on the large, uncovered gap between the end of her shirt and the start of her jeans. Oy vey. Is that her thong? Yep.
Moving along, everyone goes to ‘da club, and things quickly devolve once Jayde arrives. It’s one of those scenes during which we feel like an old person because (a) we’re so glad we don’t have to go places like that anymore, (b) even with subtitles, we can’t understand what anyone is saying because of the ambient noise, and (c) WHAT? Speak up, Brody! We have to transcribe this shit. Anyhow: Jayde sees Brody with his arm around Kristin, and so, with the encouragement of her LeAnn Rimes–look-alike friend, confronts them immediately. Of course, Kristin responds like a total lady, and they end up shoving each other and cursing. Good work, girls. Kristin and Brody leave together, and Jayde looks like a very, very angry Disney princess. Later on, Brody insists that he and Jayde are never getting back together, but from next week’s previews, we sort of doubt that.
Heidi and Spencer! And Enzo! The little guy’s back in full effect, and is just as frightening as ever. Speidi is still arguing about having kids, and Heidi slyly threatens to get preggers without Spencer’s consent. It must be said, Spencer is in the right on this issue, as staged as it may be. This couple is clearly not ready for children. So Spence decides to visit Dr. Safir, a urologist, to see about vasectomy options. Another Hills episode, another revoked medical license. Doesn’t Dr. Safir know anyone who’d be like, “Dude, don’t go on The Hills, you’ll ruin your reputation, for the love of God!” Or is everyone in L.A. so fame-hungry that they’d see this cameo as a good thing? Dr. Safir explains to Spencer that a vasectomy is actually permanent, and involves “removing part of the tube.” Diagrams are shown, Spencer freaks out like a little kid (“You punch into the nuts?”), and he runs out of the office. Enzo then gives Spencer’s doctor visit away to Heidi, and they yell at each other, but we’re not listening; we’re just watching Charlie and Enzo kick the soccer ball around outside. A child-molester and a child murderer playing together — how sweet.
Finally, Audrina and Justin Bobby, back together again (briefly, and only in Audrina’s mind). Lo makes her first and only appearance of the show to warn Aud off of getting together with JB, trying not to laugh as she suggests that Audrina stay away from him for the millionth time. “I don’t want to give him another nickname, okay?” jokes Lo. Impossible. Audrina follows her heart, as usual, and does meet up with Justin; she’s under the impression that he wants to get back together, and he’s clearly just there for the screen time. There’s some back and forth about Kristin: “By pushing me away, you pushed me into someone else,” he says. “Kristin did something different to me than you and me had done,” he continues. We SO don’t want to know what kinkiness he’s referring to. “This is the first time I didn’t have to think about what Audrina’s thinking,” he goes on and on. Audrina cries and then dramatically walks away and gets into her huge white SUV. The whole episode is redeemed by the sight of Justin’s chest hair sticking out of his gray leather jacket.
And now, our Unequivocal Hills reality index!
As real as Stephanie’s absence this week (no one’s actually friends with her):
• Audrina will never, ever give up hope that Justin Bobby is in love with her. So sad, so real.
• While all of Linda’s body is fake, her embarrassing, cool-mom attitude is an actual phenomenon. Did we mention it’s embarrassing? We did, that’s right.
• That lady in Dr. Safir’s office is a real receptionist, and probably really, really humiliated right about now.
As fake as Stacie’s enthusiasm for Kristin’s Power Rangers kimono:
• Brody didn’t sleep at Kristin’s house — we doubt they’re even hooking up. Their “relationship” is so MTV-created that it’s really annoying. ANNOYING, MTV. Do you hear us?
• Speaking of annoying, we continue our quest to have Enzo removed from the show. We’re sorry to repeat ourselves, but it’s crucial to our sanity (and Speidi’s survival) that they give this kid the boot.
• Jayde just happens to walk by as Brody puts his arm around Kristin? No. Dumb. No.