The finale! The finale! A few things stood out about last night’s episode: (1) We found ourselves sympathizing with Spencer “Pratt Baby” Pratt in his quest to delay bringing another Pratt Baby into a world already too crowded with Pratts (Stephanie, even though you’ve disappeared, we’re looking at you!). (2) Why are all these people worried about ending up old and alone already? Kristin’s, like, 23 years old — that worry shouldn’t show up for another ten years, at least, along with Botox. And in Justin Bobby’s case, it shouldn’t show up, like, ever. (3) Why is Jayde pressuring Brody to move in with her? What’s the rush for babies and marriage and, most likely, divorce? Perhaps it’s a reality-TV thing, or maybe it’s an L.A. thing (celebrity marriage and babies are so hot right now). Whatever it is, it’s boring, and needs to stop; we can turn to our own friends (and ourselves) for that kind of anxiety, and we’d rather not watch 23-year-olds prance around in red bikinis talking about the need to find someone before it’s too late! We miss when The Hills was more about first dates, and less about long-term commitment. Our advice to these kids mirrors Brody’s PC poetry: “Don’t be retarded.”
First up, Spencer and Heidi and the pregnancy plot that would never end finally ends, just like we knew it would! Thank Jesus, as Heidi would say. Early on, Brody and Spencer shoot hoops (badly), discussing the toll their respective lady friends are taking on their lives. Spencer accuses Heidi of “sperm kidnapping,” and Brody suggests he’ll break up with Jayde at the mere suggestion of moving in with her. Sperm kidnapping, heh. Within this exchange, we can actually see the remnants of their real friendship; Spencer was the a-hole and Brody found it funny, which it kind of is. Spencer decides to confront Heidi about the pregnancy test he found in the garbage, using Enzo as a buffer. (ENZO, GO AWAY.) Heidi arrives from some grocery shopping (really? No), and her breasts are looking ginormous, even for her. Spence and Enzo launch into a back-and-forth. Spencer: “Enzo, are you going to get married someday?” Enzo: “Yeah, someday.” Spencer: “Are you going to have a baby?” Enzo: “Only if you’re a grown-up!” Spencer: “Am I a grown-up?” Enzo: “I don’t know.” We’re with you there, Enzo. All this child acting is making us uncomfortable, and Enzo’s looking more menacing than ever in his backwards cap. We hope this is his final appearance on the show — maybe he’ll start kindergarten next year? Since no one on this show has a job or goes to school, we’re not too hopeful. “Mamma mia!” exclaims Enzo. Dude should win an Emmy. So in the end, Speidi has a sit-down in which they decide to have a baby, but wait awhile. Oh, good. The only thing we remember about this scene is how wide and gold Spencer’s wedding ring is. That thing takes up half his finger! Yikes.
We’re going to skim over Brody and Jayde, because we just moved in with our boyfriend and this plot is giving us nervous hives. Jayde wants to take their relationship “to the next level,” but Brody is rightly afraid, both of that commitment and Jayde’s abusive ways. To her credit, she didn’t hit anyone this episode, so maybe she’s changed? Doubtful. Brody’s friend Taylor has an engagement party; he’s apparently known his fiancé, Abby, for only two months. Good luck to you, Sleazy T! Abby, whose face is too small for her face (does that make sense?), convinces Jayde that she and Brody should be moving in right about now, which seems like a bad idea to us and Brody. As is her habit, Jayde tries to have an inappropriately timed relationship talk with Brody during the dinner, and Brody shuts her down promptly. It’s sort of sad to see, actually. What we want to know is: Why is Brody wearing a T-shirt to an engagement party at which the host is wearing a suit? The end of the story is that Brody breaks up with Jayde and says he still has feelings for Kristin. We are dubious.
And now, the happy conclusion of Justin Bobby, Audrina, and Kristin, for two of the involved parties, at least. It’s time for Kristin to move out of her Malibu summer house, which brings up the issue of how to proceed with Justin. “Everything was perfect in Vegas,” says Kristin. Somehow, a trip laden with strippers and shots has turned into a Casablanca-esque romanticized version of love. You’ll always have Vegas, Kristin! When you said you’d never leave him! And kissed another girl! Justin comes over to give Kristin the hard sell about staying with him, and though Kristin offers him a drink in her finest red bikini, she has no intention of staying with our favorite amateur philosopher. “It’s hard, there are a lot of people in this world trying to find somebody who’s compatible with you, for you, by you; I have that attraction with you, I have feelings toward you,” he says. Kristin, how could you reject that solid logic? But she does, at first. On to Audrina, poor, poor Audrina, who has fallen by the wayside this entire season. Her only role has been to play the scorned lover, which she dutifully does again in the finale, having one last, unsatisfying confrontation with Justin Bobby. They both arrive at the windy pier wearing leather jackets and determined expressions. “If it’s the last conversation, and we want to be young about it, then be young about it,” says JB, cryptically. “You’re so selfish, you’re self-centered, all you think about is yourself!” responds Audrina with her limited vocabulary. Aw. Justin gets in the winning line: “Maybe you just weren’t the one.” Ouch! She tries to recover. “I hope you do fall in love with someone, then maybe you’ll feel something.” It doesn’t really work, though, and she sadly storms off. (At one point during this scene, our boyfriend takes off his headphones and looks up from his computer. “Is that Audrina and her ex-boyfriend again?!” Yes, yes it is.) Back at Chez Malibu Kristin, Justin dramatically returns. “I’ve been riding around, thinking,” he tells Kristin. Oh, to be a brain cell in that head. Kristin isn’t convinced. “I want to have fun with you and do things with you. I want to laugh with you.” Justin, like us, has clearly watched too many romantic comedies. In the great turnaround of the season, Kristin decides she does want to be with JB. Whoa! They kiss and kiss and THE END.
And now, our unequivocal Hills Reality Index:
As real as seasonal depression tied to the end of summer:
We might get arguments from this in the comments, but we really believe that Justin and Kristin like each other. Call us romantics, but there’s chemistry there, people!
Our friend ran into Jayde in a club in Atlantic City the other weekend (our friend was there for a bachelorette party, Jayde was there because she’s Jayde), and she said Jayde was really friendly and fun and took Jäger shots with them (heh!). That said, we’re going to say that Jayde’s vulnerability this episode was real. Recently converted to Team Jayde! Though she should lay off the physical violence if she wants to stay on our good side.
Justin’s statement about his relationship with Audrina: “We didn’t see each other for four or five months, then we’d hang out once and you’d be like, ‘what are we?’” That seems so accurate, especially given the fact that it works with the Hills timetable. We’re with you on this one, JB, though we still think you’re overly mean to Aud. Let’s say it all together, one last time: Poor Audrina!
As fake as Lo’s entire season-long arc, for which she got paid approximately $10 million:
Heidi just happened not to be pregnant?
We’re not going to even touch on Enzo. You know our feelings about Enzo.
Brody does not like Kristin! We will not believe this for one second.
Also, that basketball shot that Brody actually landed was clearly like the twelfth take.
See you next season, folks!