A Letter to Kelis About Her Donkey Costume

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Photo: Getty Images

Dear Kelis,

You look like an ass. Don't take that the wrong way, but you look like a donkey in this costume, and it is purely owing to the clothes rather than your lovely figure. It pains us to break the news to you, because we and the rest of the fashion world covet those Alexander McQueen hooves shoes on your feet, and have sick dreams in the night about putting them on and trying to walk around the city in them. That said, we must all look up to you for wearing these shoes out and not falling down, a task previously accomplished by Daphne Guinness and Lady Gaga. Yet therein lies your problem: You are not Lady Gaga, and this attempt at avant-garde fashion doesn't compare to her get-ups.

The ears crown of fake thorns on your head is like a sad attempt at Gaga's signature bird's nest for the face or unicorn hairdo. And the latex bodysuit is so close to your skin tone you look almost naked, which is how an animal might frolic through a field. And the gray tail — an astounding Über-trend fusion of gray hair and the ponytail braid — might make a great whip for unruly party guests, or lasso for the bartender when the open bar gets too hectic, but generally distracts from everything else you have to offer. Especially the shoes, which should be the stars of this ensemble. You don't have to try to one-up Lady Gaga's style to be successful! It might get you attention, but have confidence that your other gifts are worthy of shining more brightly.

Waging a campaign against all electronic messages signed "X" or "XX,"
The Cut