Last night on Kell on Earth, Chado Ralph Rucci fired Kelly Cutrone. The episode picked up this week with the burgeoning IT disaster in the People’s Revolution office. The printer wasn’t printing seating assignments for 30 percent of the Chado Ralph Rucci list. Though Kelly blames the tech issues for the disastrous seating situation, the glitch seems like was only one of the many problems that led to her firing. Kelly’s staff had some sort of backup system in place to hand out seats, but people made it into the tent without assignments anyway. And everyone got upset within an inch of their lives over all of it. Oh NO! The list is ALL MESSED UP! No one stopped to remind themselves it’s just a list — sometimes we put to-dos on them! And groceries we need to buy! — or that the Third World War brewing in the office is just over postage stamps and paper bags. And so begins our summation of Cutrone’s Hierarchy of Personality Traits from last night’s episode.
HOOKERS
• Stefanie Skinner, who has completely sold her soul to People’s Revolution and Fashion Week. She walks into work with blinders on, failing to allow for the possibility that the cause she is working for — lists and seating charts for fashion shows — is so empty and insignificant that it needn’t bother her at the core level if shit goes wrong. But instead she has taken cues from the elders around her and absorbed The Fear that if something goes wrong with the Chado Ralph Rucci list and seating arrangements, her life and the world will end. The Fear has consumed the bubbly personality it’s not hard to imagine she once had. Now she is a shell of a person with no soul and no sense of self, who really believes she hasn’t had time to put on makeup in three weeks as the skin around her eye sockets disturbingly darkens with each passing minute. If she hadn’t completely sold out to People’s Revolution she would realize that yes, she can put on makeup! Yes, she can smile! Yes, she can walk in the sunlight and feel the rays on her skin! Hooking is a dangerous thing.
• Everyone who tried to sneak into the Chado Ralph Rucci show, for believing in New York’s faux tiers of social importance. They don’t care about seeing Chado Ralph Rucci (they won’t see shit in the standing section anyway), they just want to be able to tell their friends at 1Oak later that they went to Fashion Week.
BITCHES
• Kelly, for yelling her head off at the interns for doing the gift bags wrong. On the one hand, okay, how should they know how the gift bags are supposed to be done if Stephanie Vorhees never told them? But if they’ve seen every gift bag leave the showroom a certain way, shouldn’t they know the labeling method? But we’re siding with them, because they’re gift-bag labels and who cares. Is it really cause for Kelly’s outburst? “I have worked my ass off for twelve fucking years to build this company. Do not make one fucking decision about my clients,” she screams. “This isn’t college, this is hundreds of millions of dollars of people’s money.” Or, you know, jeans in paper bags.
• Emily, who tells Stephanie Vorhees to go sit down in her chair after she messes up intern scheduling. Telling a grown person to go sit down in their chair in an office is as embarrassing for the person who does it as the person who obeys.
• Kelly, who had no sympathy for the model who collapsed at the Genetic Denim presentation. The set for the show consisted of Swarovski crystals hanging from the ceiling by clear thread or something. Anyway, the ambulance had to come and save the model. Kelly went outside to tell them to turn their sirens off so people don’t think what’s going on in the show is a big disaster. Except, hello? The show was a big disaster. Jeggings were the star garment, a model fainted, the set looked cheap, and we didn’t even see very many people there. Frankly, everyone involved in organizing it missed out on the publicity they would have gotten if the world had known during Fashion Week that model had collapsed. Bloggers eat that shit up.
EGOMANIACS
• Ralph Rucci, who surprisingly agreed to appear in a reality show about office drama, 20-year-olds who argue about finding postage stamps, and a fortysomething-year-old who yells at her interns for writing on shopping bags.
• Kelly, for doing her job for the cameras rather than her client. Rucci is freaking out backstage, and tells Kelly he needs everyone to get away from him. When managing the backstage press, she orders photographers from Elle and V to “stand over in that corner as far away from him as possible.” She’s clearly stressed with the seating chart DISASTER but relishes doing her favorite thing, bossing people around. No wonder Rucci is so stressed, since Kelly is the stressiest person on the planet.
• Kelly, for forcing her interns to let her talk to their parents on the phone. She thinks that this gesture — though actually sick — makes her a good, kind boss. After the aforementioned outburst, she tells poor Irish Tim’s mother, “I have not been kind to him. I’m actually destroying him and rebuilding him.” Mom responds, “Thank you so much for everything you’ve done.” Sick!
• Kelly, for lighting incense to spiritually cleanse the office. Oh, how eccentric these fashion people are. Isn’t that something.
• Andrew, for thinking he’s special enough to go to work with his chest hair spilling everywhere.
DOLTS
• Kelly, for kicking people out of their seats when they didn’t have seating assignments to begin with. Kelly re-seats one man in a suit who said he sat in the front row because Rosina, Ralph Rucci’s PR person, told him to sit there. We’ve seen Kelly kick people out of their seats for reporters before. She seems to love the power, but forgets to share it with her clients, which is probably one reason she got fired.
• Emily, for shouting over the crowd waiting to get into Chado Ralph Rucci to ask if any of them had legitimate seating assignments. Well, this is great publicity! Just announce to the entire tents that no one who was invited showed up!
• Stephanie Vorhees, who can’t seem to do anything, yet somehow made it through school as a finance major. As Andrew says, “Vorhees is just one of those people who never ran into many problems in her life. She just pranced around in her dresses and got asked out left and right.”
• Andrew, for telling Stefanie Skinner he’s so busy and exhausted he didn’t even take a shower that morning. They sit like a foot apart. Someone who wears black sequined nun’s habits all summer should bathe twice a day, minimum.
