Kell on EarthHighway to Kell Season 1 • Episode 3
This week, Cutrone and Co. produced two presentations (which, Robyn explains, is the fashion code word for chintzy runway show), one for new designer Nicolas “hold the H” Petrou, and the other for the sexy lingerie line Agent Provocateur. Cue the usual office high jinks: Stephanie Vorhees can’t manage to handle the invitations (“it’s not brain surgery,” sighs Skinner), Petrou, a new client that People’s Revolution took on as a favor, turns out to be a huge, ungrateful SOB — oh, and also a thief, and Kelly ends up penniless but happy, high on the drug that is a job well done. It doesn’t matter that she’s the crazy, disheveled mom at school so long as she gets to thrive creatively and work with people who dress male models in hot, sweaty, suffocating body socks. We’re also introduced to Emily’s personal life, which doesn’t actually seem to exist beyond rushed phone calls with her family and sadly gazing at the Manhattan skyline. Now we understand why she’s in a bad mood all the time. At least Kelly has a cute kid to distract her — Emily’s only got a bottle of red and an undying respect for Women’s Wear Daily. But we digress: on to this week’s take on Cutrone’s Hierarchy of Personality Traits.
• Kelly, for saying that Petrou’s collection is really genius, even though it’s clearly insane and reminds us of a Custo Barcelona T-shirt on crack. He’s the client, we get that, and so her initial endorsement of his weird collection wasn’t surprising — but it certainly came back to bite her after he and his inflated ego ended up dissing all the press who so nicely came to his freaky presentation.
• Emily, for wandering the deserted streets after working later than even, yes, actual hookers. Poor Emily has given everything to People’s Revolution, only to be rewarded with a perpetual frown and a plethora of Madewell T-shirts. She should at least get a cat she can complain to, since we’re sure at this point her sister is like, “I don’t CARE about how inept your interns are go on DATE! See the WORLD! Get out of that OFFICE!”
• The original club booked for the Agent Provocateur Soirée, which canceled at the last minute. Kelly had to air kiss thousands of people for nothing! Robyn is now feeling stressed! Kelly calls this move a “wackadoo flip-a-bitch,” and then schemes to send a six-foot-tall assassin to get revenge, which seems an appropriate response.
— Emily, for threatening to fire Vorhees in front of the whole office. We understand why Emily is frustrated, but if you’re going to yell at an employee, don’t do it in front the whole team. It makes for bad morale, and is just plain inappropriate. Also, you’re not going to get Vorhees to perform better by berating her in front of her colleagues. If anything, that’s just going to contribute to her sense of being constantly “overwhelmed.”
• Kelly’s lost and found dog Coco, an actual bitch, though not a bitchy bitch. Imagine telling your kid that you’re sending the dog to the “farm” for a better life, and then running into it a block from your apartment. Perhaps Kelly later explained to Ava that by “farm” she meant “a huge loft and two lesbian painters.”
• GQ, for openly laughing at a collection in front of the designer. At least wait to trash him behind his back, in print.
• Petrou, for rudely dismissing every editor who came his way, and for saying this, on-camera, about a WWD men’s edition editor: “Why are you so defensive, bitch? I’m the one with the master degree from St. Martins, not you!” Then, deciding to stiff People’s Revolution (again, on-camera) because not every single press person attended the presentation. Kelly is filing a lawsuit — and trashing you on Facebook! — so you’d better watch out.
• Kelly, for taking over the invitations and saying that she’s the ONLY one with enough experience to do so. We admit that her employees are generally unreliable, but come on, even Robyn can stuff an envelope.
• Kelly, for thinking that if she were younger she’d be hooking up with hot male models left and right.
• Michelle, for chewing gum so loudly she got herself kicked out of the room. If we were Emily, we would have fired her, but we are especially sensitive to chewing sounds (they are our Kryptonite), so take that with a grain of salt. But gum chewing is rude, and has no place in the office, at the Oscars, or at the Olympic Opening Ceremony — Eastern European teams, we’re looking at you!
• Stephanie Vorhees, for once again being incompetent. Vorhees continually blames her shortcomings on her inexperience — "It seems like common sense, but I’ve never done it before,” she complains about sending out the invites for the Petrou show. No, Vorhees, it is common sense. In life, as in Kell on Earth, you’re going to have to figure out a lot of stuff on your own. We’re sure she’s overworked — they’re all overworked — but misspelling a designer’s name on HIS OWN press release is grounds for getting the ax, even more so than chewing gum loudly. We have a feeling that Vorhees isn’t long for this world.
• Nicolas Petrou for both talking shit about editors and then not paying his bill on TV. Does he not get that he was being filmed? Small claims court, here Kelly comes!
• Kelly, for flippantly comparing models to Auschwitz victims. Holocaust jokes: not so funny. And what happened to “thin but not bony?” That got tossed out the window pretty quickly, based on the numerous collarbones evident at the final presentation.