This month's issues included many spreads where the models looked dead or close to it. And isn't April, the beginning of spring, supposed to be a celebration of life? Things blooming and cute baby things being born? But that's why magazines hire models: They look just as good morose as they do vivacious. French Vogue put deathly looking girls in hula skirts and Prada. Lula shot models as though they'd died in a pillow fight. And British Vogue shot a "private dancer," who looked pale and passed out on a chintzy bed. See those photos, Heidi Klum wearing nothing but cream, and more from the April magazines in the slideshow.
Best Editorial - Lula
This spread is like the end of Lady Gaga's "Paparazzi" video, when she picks up the phone and says, "I just killed my boyfriend." Here, she killed her girlfriends. With pillows!
Best Dead Hula Girls - French Vogue
These two look like someone just tossed them out of a car window. That's one way to make the spring Prada pieces less chipper and more fashion.
Best Dead Courtney Love Devotee - Lula
Someone had a good time at the concert last night.
Most Gratuitous Spread - AnOther
If a girl must look like she's dying or passing out, better not to see so much of her butt.
Most Timely Spread - British Vogue
Private dancers and their ilk are on everyone's minds these days.
Most Lively Model - Heidi Klum in Allure
Four kids and a couple of reality shows in, this is probably supposed to be a metaphor for how Heidi — and you! — can do and have it all. But we're most impressed by her 36-year-old, you know, perkiness.
Most Lackluster Model - British Vogue
Maybe it's the sneakers, maybe it's the lack of body grease, maybe it's the lighting, but the lovely Lara Stone is missing her usual sparkle.
Most Stoned-Looking Model - White House Black Market
With that open mouth, she looks like she's watching a Hot Pocket heat up in the microwave.
Strangest Supporting Models - Columbia's Football Team in Glamour
This story is about Erin Andrews's stalker. Is the Columbia University football team really necessary? More perplexing, was it necessary to dump bird poop on them prior to the shoot?
Silliest Excuse for a Scantily Clad Model - Esquire
Esquire didn't really need "50 SONGS EVERY MAN SHOULD BE LISTENING TO" to put Candice Swanepoel in a tight tank top and skimpy panties. Next month, see her in this outfit, but wet!
Best Dog-Walking Outfit - The Journal
When you walk your dog, is all anyone cares about how cute the pooch is? This outfit allows you to take back control! Make those fifteen minutes about you again.
Most Dangerous Dog-Walking Outfit - Harper's Bazaar
We don't expect a fashion magazine to put a model in anything other than panties and high heels to walk two full-grown Dalmatians, but perhaps they could give her the safety of the sidewalk instead of the middle of the street, where a flustered mom in a Suburban could careen around the corner at any moment.
Worst Advice - Glamour
From the belt to the bra top to the purple-and-red bow bracelet, there are plenty of style risks here but few to none that every woman should take.
Best Fragrance Ad - Balenciaga
What woman doesn't want to roll out of bed with fatless thighs in a fancy lace nightie only to find her perfume floating on a lily pad?
Worst Makeup - British Vogue
On the other hand, best clown makeup.
Best Eyelashes - Flare
No better way to offset your taxidermy bird collection.
Worst-Dressed Couple - Teen Vogue
She wears a corset made from a wicker basket. What is on his head?
Raciest Cowgirls - Cosmopolitan
The copy on the left reads, "Stay on Trend: higher fringed boots and a dress with corset shaping scream Park Avenue not 4-H club." Or maybe "Get me a pole"? On the right, Cosmo writes: "Go Ultra-Feminine: No one will assume you drive a tractor when your look is this girlie." No, they will assume you hope to reenact Samantha's infamous barnyard scene from Sex and the City.
Most Confusing Fairy Tale - Flare
This is from Flare's "Fantasyland" fairy-tale-inspired spread, but it doesn't seem to be based on recognizable story. Should the magazine get points for cleverly making up a fairy tale, or lose points for trying too hard?
Best Accessories Spread - AnOther
Bags on heads have been done, but it's still amusing.
Worst Beachwear - Marie Claire
No one wears a leather crop top to the beach. And the belly chain might actually be a worse offense than the holster, which can at least hold a stick of gum and a condom for when James Bond arrives.
Best Hat - Lula
She looks like a mushroom!
Worst Men's Shirts - Details
There is maybe one acceptable shirt in these two pages, and that is the white one in the top left that is barely visible. The girl in the yellow dress with her hands in her ears screaming "LA LA LA LA LA" has the right idea.
Best Vintage Photo - Lula
A horse is no good if it's not on trend. That's the Japanese artist Yayoi Kusama.
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