The Miss Universe pageant is the Olympics of beauty pageants. The truly wonderful annual event pits ladies with some of the most amazing bodies in the world against each other in feats of athleticism like using water slides, walking down stairs in high heels while working a robe, and synchronized salutes. But it goes deeper than that: Contestants must display personal taste and style in the evening-gown competition — the only portion of the night they're not in pageant uniform. There's also the battle of the wits in which the top five contestants engage when answering their final questions — each girl only has one question to answer, and that answer better be good.
Mexico pulled ahead easily with her stunning good looks, sexy bikini body, tasteful evening gown, and express desire to teach Internet-using children family values. But there were so many other auxiliary winners! They include:
• Miss Venezuela, who opened the show in a mirrored bodysuit accessorized with one silver metal flapping wing.
• Eyeliner, which hasn't been seen in such abundance since Taylor Momsen turned into Xtina Aguilera.
• The houseboat the contestants took to check out the dam.
• Bret Michaels, who always said one sentence too many and, at the end of the show, essentially promised to drink enough to black all of it out.
• Niki Taylor, who judged, and was the best-looking person in the whole room from what we could see on television.
• The army of Cirque du Soleil Elvises forced to break-dance in the middle of the swimsuit round.
• The naked airport scanners, which got the vote of confidence from Miss Ukraine.
But there were also auxiliary losers, such as:
• Panties, which none of the contestants may have been wearing, judging by the mesmerizing absence of underwear lines.
• Hairspray, which was used in overabundance on too many upsetting half-ponytails.
• Bret Michaels's bandanna, which had not a sequin anywhere!
• Natalie Morales, for saying this: "[Miss Ireland] hopes to combine her modeling experience with a career in political journalism."
See those highlights and more in our video, which condenses the entire pageant to less than three minutes.
And see our tweets of last night's broadcast on The Cut's Twitter feed.
Related: Miss Mexico Named Miss Universe [Daily Intel]
Most Viewed Stories
Khloe Kardashian Sued for Sharing Photo of Khloe Kardashian
Succumb to the Siren Song of Unflattering Pants
11 Pairs of Unflattering Pants That Will Make You Look Ugly-Cool
The Most Depressing Ways The Bachelor Couple Have Described Their Relationship
Hey, Did You Know That French Presidential Candidate Emmanuel Macron Is Married to His High-School Teacher?
Joe Biden Went Off on Male College Students in Speech About Sexual Consent
My Big Boobs Look Great in This Plus-Sized Bra
The Craziest Mom I Ever Met Was Obsessed With Being Popular
Kim Kardashian Talks Caitlyn Jenner’s ‘Hurtful’ Memoir, Says Paris Robbery Was ‘Meant to Happen’
A Snazzy White Blouse With a Colorful Purse Is a Good Look
Latest News from The CutMillie Bobby Brown Has Some Simple Makeup Tips She’d Like to Share
No nose contouring involved.Jennifer Lopez’s Red Carpet Look Was Fire at the 2017 Billboard Latin Music Awards
Does she ever disappoint?This Hot Firefighter Looks Familiar
Justin Trudeau met with firefighters.This Photographer Captures Generations of French Women
Alessandra Sanguinetti’s new exhibit opens just before the French presidential election.Salvatore Ferragamo Bottled the Scent of Man
Actor Ben Barnes hosted a party for the brand’s new cologne last night.A New Theory on Why People Who Exercise Lots Are So Damn Happy All the Time
Physical activity brings a “cascade of positive events” to your life, argues a recent study.Female Dragonflies Fake Their Own Deaths to Avoid Males
Ah, nature.Ivanka Trump Reportedly Bribed Her Angry Neighbors With Baked Goods
After neighbors complained, the First Daughter went door-to-door.11 Pairs of Unflattering Pants That Will Make You Look Ugly-Cool
In all their high-waisted glory.Fan Bingbing Will Do Anything in a Sheet Mask
The Chinese actresses performs movie-star obligations in public while sheet mask-ing.
Her hairstylist explains.More Women Politicians Could Mean Fewer Infant Deaths
New research shows an effect of gender equality in the legislature.My Big Boobs Look Great in This Plus-Sized Bra
It makes them look round, perky, and huge.Succumb to the Siren Song of Unflattering Pants
You’ll look kind of weird in them. That’s the point.An Ohio Woman Was Found Captive in a Pit in Her Neighbor’s Shed
Police say she was being held in neighbor Dennis Dunn’s shed.Joe Biden Went Off on Male College Students in Speech About Sexual Consent
The former vice-president spoke at George Mason University last night for the “It’s on Us” campaign.What TV Is Getting Wrong (and Right) About Abortion
▶️ Across all cable-news programs, 64 percent of segments on abortion contained inaccurate information.Taylor Schilling on Why Authenticity, Alone Time, and Muffins Are Keys to Wellness
“When I spent a lot of energy trying to manipulate my outside, there wasn’t a lot of energy left over.”The Craziest Mom I Ever Met Was Obsessed With Being Popular
How many moms buy their daughter a boob job?Ivanka Trump’s Women Who Work Preface Rewritten by a Woman Who Works
A few notes on Ivanka Trump’s new book’s preface.