The venue may change, but the madness remains the same: The chaotic crush outside the Richie Rich show on Thursday night, as with all his Heatherette shows of yore, boiled over with people hopped up on free cocktails trying to push, shove, or charm their ways inside. At least four skirmishes seemed on the verge of fisticuffs, and we were nearly trampled by a jerk who thoughtfully encouraged us to bite him when we complained about his roughness — and who then got into a shouting match with another dude, who practically had to be restrained by his girlfriend. Classy! The stabby aura stemmed from the fact that after a long wait to check in, still nobody knew quite where they were sitting, and were told different stories by different event staffers. Eventually a PR girl who sounded on the verge of hysteria explained that this season's fancy new computerized seating system had broken. See? It's just like the Terminator movies said: The machines are out to get us. And apparently they're winning.
Once we popped out of the fray and into the venue, though, things got a lot more peaceful. Perhaps that was the soothing aura of rapper and actor Ice-T, who kicked it in the front row about as calmly as we've ever seen anybody in the midst of all those flashbulbs. As his wife Coco and her immense, brimming cleavage bobbed around to his left — her chest almost needed its own seat assignment — Ice-T happily posed for pictures with a series of fans, each of whom clutched him closer than the last (and at least one of whom appeared to be fondling his collarbone). He even took photos with some of the event photographers, who are usually the last people in the venue to get starstruck. What can we say? Ice-T is that cool. He oozes cool. His beard clippings are so cool you could indeed use them to ice your tea.
Oddly, we are three-for-three today with JoJo, who crept into the venue in a dark-blue strapless dress and appeared almost as confused as we were. In fact, we totally lost track of where she went, but she might have ended up down near the top of the runway with the two girls who looked an awful lot like the Veronicas. It's hard to say. We were distracted by all the spectacular hairpieces in the building, including a pair of girls wearing matching purple wigs, and a drag queen boasting both a long, luscious Beyoncé wig and a full beard.
Presumably as a nod to Fashion Week's posh new venue, Richie opened the show with a ballet display — including a pas de deux featuring a muscular, shirtless man in tights — and then a violinist sporting a tutu came out and rocked the fiddle to some dance music, contorting herself fully backward and using the bow so hard she broke its strings. Then Rich fave Tinsley Mortimer kicked off the clothing portion of the evening in a floaty pink party frock and electric-blue eye makeup, while waving at her sister, Dabney Mercer, in the front row. What followed was a series of surprisingly sedate dresses and some ruffled hot pants, framed by a runway backdrop covered with such mottoes as "Dreams Come True" and "Like a Virgin."
So naturally, that's when the sex slaves arrived. For about ten minutes, men and women in skimpy clothes accessorized with chains and leather — including RuPaul's Drag Race standout Jujubee — trotted down the runway, grinding and growling and looking for all the world like a storefront window in Amsterdam. They even wore the same blasé facial expressions, right down to the kid in the assless pouch that concealed barely any of his personal goods, and certainly didn't confine all of his pubic hair.
So naturally, that's when the confetti cannons arrived. With a blast so loud that the girl sitting next to us let out a tiny scream, they exploded silver debris onto the runway after the models did their finale walk. And then into the sparkling cloud strolled a spiky-haired Ellen DeGeneres, clad in an iridescent silver suit tucked into white high-tops and capped off with a tiny hat-shaped fascinator. As she strutted down the runway solo, then did another lap with Richie Rich by her side, everyone went nuts and leaped to their feet. Well, everyone except Ice-T and Coco and Coco's cleavage. All three (four?) of them were impassive throughout the entire bizarre show, as if they were watching a very long tennis match. We suspect if an orgy had broken out, they'd have kept the exact same stoic facial expressions. Apparently, the moral of this whole tale is, don't play poker with Ice-T. At least, we hope that's the moral. Dwelling on what we were supposed to learn from the skimpy sausage pouch is starting to fry our brains.
See more: Richie Rich Spring 2011 Collection
Most Viewed Stories
I Tried Hillary Clinton’s Diet and Now I Sympathize With Her
Blake Lively Reportedly Just Gave Birth, and You’ll Never Guess Who’s Running to the Hospital
Brad Pitt Fights Back Against Angelina Jolie and Her Plot to ‘Destroy’ Him
Looks Like Kate Middleton Is Enjoying the View in Canada
Angelina Jolie Got Everything She Wanted in Temporary Divorce Deal With Brad Pitt
What It’s Like to Be a Female Reporter Covering Donald Trump
The Best Part of Being a Royal Is Getting to Pet Bunnies
The Mysterious Deaths of Two Sisters in a Luxury Hotel
22 Intimate Lost Photos of Marilyn Monroe
Megyn Kelly Roasts Trump’s Campaign Manager for Claiming He Doesn’t Make Sexist Comments
From Our Partners
Who What Wear
powered by PubExchange
The Cut’s Latest Fashion FeaturesCiara's Wedding Dress Was Too Big for the Chapel
To be fair, it was a 13 foot-long dress.You and Rihanna Will Both Want to Invest in Dior’s New Bag
It's got something for everyone.Polo Shirts Have Turned Their Back on Ryan Lochte
Along with his other major sponsors.Ryan Lochte Will No Longer Be Paid to Wear Tiny Bathing Suits
Speedo remains committed to transparency.Laura Brown Is the New Editor-in-Chief of InStyle
After 11 years at Harper’s Bazaar.Tyra Banks Is Going to Teach a Class on Smizing at Stanford
"If I see somebody not paying attention, I’m gonna call on them."This Floating Pier Is the Most Zen Installation Ever
Walking on water in Italy.Nation Is Appalled by Matt Lauer’s Nude Ankles During Ryan Lochte Interview
What’s the opposite of “Jeah”?8 People at the Life of Pablo Pop-up Explain Why Kanye West Is a God
"I mean, Kanye West is just Kanye West. There's not more or less you can say about Kanye West. He's just Mr. West!"A T-shirt Is Enough
Simplicity, versatility, and cool. What more could you want?
She took a perfect pencil dive off a 30-foot yacht.American Apparel Is Being Sued by Former Workers
As the company considers putting itself up for sale.A Gendered History of the Tailored Suit
From Marlon Brando to Coco Chanel.How Zendaya Developed Such Great Style at the Young Age of 19
The star's best looks from Disney to now.Proof That If You’re Chic Enough, a Little Federal Investigation Doesn’t Matter
Is this the best they could do?5,300-Year-Old Mummified Iceman Probably Would’ve Been a Street-Style Star
He had several different looks and was “pretty picky.”J.Crew Has Identified 226 Shades of Pink
Even more than there are shades of gray.Gigi and Bella Hadid Merch Is Now Somehow a Thing That Is Happening
Today in Hadidiana.Gird Your Loins for the Return of Yeezy to New York Fashion Week
The season approaches.This Indie Brand Had a Great Response to Ivanka Trump
When she bought one of their cuffs, they donated the proceeds to the Clinton campaign.