The fall fashion issues are finally upon us, and they feel like a nice warm pile of fur-lined bricks: rich, heavy, and as out-there as ever. The delight begins in 10 magazine, where model Guinevere van Seenus stays warm in a suit made from shaving cream instead of fabric. Nakedness and near-nakedness continue in Purple, as expected, in which 16-year-old Lindsey Wixson gets clothes to wear, albeit on a broken toilet. Also, did you ever realize how much Ashley Olsen looks like Rachel Zoe? Or how bad fashion magazines are at glamorizing eating? Or that Jennifer Lopez looks so wrong eating noodles out of a box? Find the answers to those questions and more in this month's mega-slideshow of our favorite pages from the September issues. (Some NSFW.)
Best Model — Guinevere Van Seenus in 10
The most remarkable thing about this is the flair and enthusiasm with which Guinevere rubbed the shaving cream into her eyes. But the fun doesn't stop there!
Best Model (Continued) — Guinevere Van Seenus in 10
This girl has balls. Well, not really, but her nipples must be very resilient.
Creepiest Spread — Lindsey Wixson in Purple
Purple is always very naked, but the fall 2010 issue is especially naked. Often they throw a scrap of twine around the girls' necks or something so it at least looks like they styled them instead of just shot them naked. So it's great that Lindsey Wixson, who is only 16, got to wear as much clothing as she did. However, the fact that she's in the magazine at all — and lying supine on a broken toilet with her legs spread — feels like a foreshadowing we're not sure we're ready for.
Most Pointless Top — Purple
See? What did we tell you about the twine?
Best Rack — Doutzen Kroes in Flare
They don't have to be fully exposed to look magnificent.
Best Rachel Zoe Impersonation — Ashley Olsen in Fashion
She's glaring at a baby in the corner.
Best Explanation for Missing Socks Everywhere — Vogue
Vogue has created a monster. A laundry-stealing monster made entirely of his bounty!
Most Random Costuming — Harper's Bazaar
Jennifer Aniston poses as Barbra Streisand for apparently no reason other than she can. But this is not right at all — Babs is among Broadway's finest divas, and the most attitude we've seen out of Jen lately is this look in her eyes that says she wishes she had a coat.
Worst Case for Taking a Vacation to Eat — Elle
Elle shot Julia Roberts in an Eat Pray Love–inspired editorial. However, these images of the "Eat" section of her journey don't make consuming food seem any more nourishing to the soul than divorce. Dear fashion magazines of the world: Can one of you PLEASE make food look delicious for once? Thanks.
Best Case Against French Fries — Dazed and Confused
Screw elementary-school athletic programs — put this outside every McDonald's and kids won't want to go in.
Best Oxymoron — Teen Vogue
The headline may read "Animal Lover," but that model looks like she's crying.
Sexiest Bugs — W
If they were in a bed, however, this wouldn't be hot at all.
Best Looks — British Vogue
If a fashionista with tons of money were to go insane, think she was a Native American chieftain, and start combing the forests looking for the tribe that stole her panty hose, this would be exactly what she would wear.
Most in Need of a Tetanus Shot — 10
Best Living Puppets — Nylon
But, you know, nineties-era puppets. This is Nylon, sheesh.
Best Way to Save on Retouching — Surface
If you just cover his eye bags and other common physical human traits, you won't have to pay to digitally turn him into, well, this. Though knowing a model can breathe is appreciated from time to time.
Best Child-Rearing Dos and Don'ts — Tamara Mellon in Harper's Bazaar
Do let your little girl play fairy-princess dress-up occasionally. Wear your ballgown, too, if you absolutely must feel included in her fun.
Don't let your wee one wear over-the-knee leopard-print boots. Not everything should be started young.
Biggest 'Eff You' to PETA — Vogue
Time to play count the skins!
Most Awkward Ad — Saks
Oh, joy! High-fashion crutches.
Least Creative Portrait — Irina Shayk in GQ
Irina is soccer star Cristiano Ronaldo's girlfriend. The underwear, plush carpet, heels, fuchsia pillows, and lotion-y look of her skin do nothing to distance her from the stereotype that the job of a soccer star's girlfriend is to do him in rooms that look like this, and then spend the time that he's not around posing in underwear.
Best Guest Bedroom — InStyle
This is the gold room in Domenico Dolce and Stefano Gabbana's house. Good luck falling asleep in that one!
Best Shoes — Harper's Bazaar
These YSL pumps have been in every major magazine, and their momentum is bound to continue throughout the season. Bazaar shot them wonderfully naked, their manes perfectly hair-sprayed into place.
Most Dangerous Hat — Topshop
Maybe she's not wearing a shirt because she's too afraid to move to put one on.
Best Outerwear — Paper
For women whose buildings don't allow cats: Why not become your own cat?
Best Furry Oven Mitts — British Vogue
They're by Marni and cost about $444. If you think that sounds reasonable because they're shearling, you have probably looked at WAY too much fashion in your life.
Best Britney Throwback — Dazed and Confused
The girls are being sexy in fake rain — just like Brit did in her "Overprotected" video! Granted, Britney looked like Cavalli threw up on her in that video, but same concept.
Most Awkward Prop — Vogue
Babies are not accessories! Would it have been so detestable to give Lara Stone a picnic basket?
Best Anti-Modesty Modesty Patch — Purple
Purple is really going meta this season. Covering nakedness with more nakedness!
Worst Case for Having Friends Apply Makeup — Allure
So ... do you think their night is just beginning or ending? Which is to say, are they sober enough to make the painfully obvious "eye dye" joke?
Most Dubious Celebrity Editorial — Glamour
Jennifer Lopez is not meant to cut her own hair or eat noodles out of a cardboard carton. All she ever needs in any magazine is a tire swing, a river, and a furry bikini.
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