The fall fashion issues are finally upon us, and they feel like a nice warm pile of fur-lined bricks: rich, heavy, and as out-there as ever. The delight begins in 10 magazine, where model Guinevere van Seenus stays warm in a suit made from shaving cream instead of fabric. Nakedness and near-nakedness continue in Purple, as expected, in which 16-year-old Lindsey Wixson gets clothes to wear, albeit on a broken toilet. Also, did you ever realize how much Ashley Olsen looks like Rachel Zoe? Or how bad fashion magazines are at glamorizing eating? Or that Jennifer Lopez looks so wrong eating noodles out of a box? Find the answers to those questions and more in this month's mega-slideshow of our favorite pages from the September issues. (Some NSFW.)
Best Model — Guinevere Van Seenus in 10
The most remarkable thing about this is the flair and enthusiasm with which Guinevere rubbed the shaving cream into her eyes. But the fun doesn't stop there!
Best Model (Continued) — Guinevere Van Seenus in 10
This girl has balls. Well, not really, but her nipples must be very resilient.
Creepiest Spread — Lindsey Wixson in Purple
Purple is always very naked, but the fall 2010 issue is especially naked. Often they throw a scrap of twine around the girls' necks or something so it at least looks like they styled them instead of just shot them naked. So it's great that Lindsey Wixson, who is only 16, got to wear as much clothing as she did. However, the fact that she's in the magazine at all — and lying supine on a broken toilet with her legs spread — feels like a foreshadowing we're not sure we're ready for.
Most Pointless Top — Purple
See? What did we tell you about the twine?
Best Rack — Doutzen Kroes in Flare
They don't have to be fully exposed to look magnificent.
Best Rachel Zoe Impersonation — Ashley Olsen in Fashion
She's glaring at a baby in the corner.
Best Explanation for Missing Socks Everywhere — Vogue
Vogue has created a monster. A laundry-stealing monster made entirely of his bounty!
Most Random Costuming — Harper's Bazaar
Jennifer Aniston poses as Barbra Streisand for apparently no reason other than she can. But this is not right at all — Babs is among Broadway's finest divas, and the most attitude we've seen out of Jen lately is this look in her eyes that says she wishes she had a coat.
Worst Case for Taking a Vacation to Eat — Elle
Elle shot Julia Roberts in an Eat Pray Love–inspired editorial. However, these images of the "Eat" section of her journey don't make consuming food seem any more nourishing to the soul than divorce. Dear fashion magazines of the world: Can one of you PLEASE make food look delicious for once? Thanks.
Best Case Against French Fries — Dazed and Confused
Screw elementary-school athletic programs — put this outside every McDonald's and kids won't want to go in.
Best Oxymoron — Teen Vogue
The headline may read "Animal Lover," but that model looks like she's crying.
Sexiest Bugs — W
If they were in a bed, however, this wouldn't be hot at all.
Best Looks — British Vogue
If a fashionista with tons of money were to go insane, think she was a Native American chieftain, and start combing the forests looking for the tribe that stole her panty hose, this would be exactly what she would wear.
Most in Need of a Tetanus Shot — 10
Best Living Puppets — Nylon
But, you know, nineties-era puppets. This is Nylon, sheesh.
Best Way to Save on Retouching — Surface
If you just cover his eye bags and other common physical human traits, you won't have to pay to digitally turn him into, well, this. Though knowing a model can breathe is appreciated from time to time.
Best Child-Rearing Dos and Don'ts — Tamara Mellon in Harper's Bazaar
Do let your little girl play fairy-princess dress-up occasionally. Wear your ballgown, too, if you absolutely must feel included in her fun.
Don't let your wee one wear over-the-knee leopard-print boots. Not everything should be started young.
Biggest 'Eff You' to PETA — Vogue
Time to play count the skins!
Most Awkward Ad — Saks
Oh, joy! High-fashion crutches.
Least Creative Portrait — Irina Shayk in GQ
Irina is soccer star Cristiano Ronaldo's girlfriend. The underwear, plush carpet, heels, fuchsia pillows, and lotion-y look of her skin do nothing to distance her from the stereotype that the job of a soccer star's girlfriend is to do him in rooms that look like this, and then spend the time that he's not around posing in underwear.
Best Guest Bedroom — InStyle
This is the gold room in Domenico Dolce and Stefano Gabbana's house. Good luck falling asleep in that one!
Best Shoes — Harper's Bazaar
These YSL pumps have been in every major magazine, and their momentum is bound to continue throughout the season. Bazaar shot them wonderfully naked, their manes perfectly hair-sprayed into place.
Most Dangerous Hat — Topshop
Maybe she's not wearing a shirt because she's too afraid to move to put one on.
Best Outerwear — Paper
For women whose buildings don't allow cats: Why not become your own cat?
Best Furry Oven Mitts — British Vogue
They're by Marni and cost about $444. If you think that sounds reasonable because they're shearling, you have probably looked at WAY too much fashion in your life.
Best Britney Throwback — Dazed and Confused
The girls are being sexy in fake rain — just like Brit did in her "Overprotected" video! Granted, Britney looked like Cavalli threw up on her in that video, but same concept.
Most Awkward Prop — Vogue
Babies are not accessories! Would it have been so detestable to give Lara Stone a picnic basket?
Best Anti-Modesty Modesty Patch — Purple
Purple is really going meta this season. Covering nakedness with more nakedness!
Worst Case for Having Friends Apply Makeup — Allure
So ... do you think their night is just beginning or ending? Which is to say, are they sober enough to make the painfully obvious "eye dye" joke?
Most Dubious Celebrity Editorial — Glamour
Jennifer Lopez is not meant to cut her own hair or eat noodles out of a cardboard carton. All she ever needs in any magazine is a tire swing, a river, and a furry bikini.
Most Viewed Stories
25 Famous Women on Childlessness
Warning: A Column on Butt Play
My Year As an Abortion Doula
Blood Hounds: They’re Obsessed With Period Sex
See All the Looks From the 2014 Met Gala
What the Heck Is Going on With Susan Miller?
Meet the New Generation of Baldwin Spawn
The Sisterhood of the Birth-Control Phone Alarm
Tom Ford Debuted Nipple Pasties on the Runway
Cool, Functional Work Bags for Under $400
From Our Partners
Who What Wear
8 Ways To Double Your Wardrobe (Without Spending A Dime!)
10 School Lunches That Totally Trump Sandwiches
What Men Think About Sex vs. Reality
First Look at Alexander Wang for H&M
Latest News on The CutFuture Sexiest Person Alive Was Born Today
Ryan Gosling and Eva Mendes welcome a baby girl!A One-of-a-Kind Choker Designed by a Princess
Each piece is made from ancient metalworking techniques.Watch the SFW-ish Duke Porn Star Documentary
Condé Nast followed Belle Knox at Duke and on set.Why Do We Treat Infertility Like It’s Just Rich Women’s Problem?
A new book examines a gaping hole in existing infertility research: the experience of poor women.It’s Worth $900 to See Lena Dunham’s Book Tour?
At least someone on Craigslist thinks so.Miley Wore a Crop Top on a Motorbike
"Ain't Nothing But a G Thang."Meet Banks, Fashion’s Favorite New Singer
She talks sensitivity, skin care, and getting kicked out of a German fruit stand.John Galliano Made His First TV Appearance Since 2011
And it was ... weird.5 Backstage Beauty Lessons From London Fashion Week
Ombré eyes are happening.First Look: Bettina at Galleria Carla Sozzani
Photos of the most influential model you've never heard of.
A conversation with the beloved astrologer.Cool, Color-Blocked Rain Boots for a Dreary Day
A little pick-me-up.Amazon Branches Into Fashion Collaborations
With London-based label Osman.Mindy Kaling Is Not Holding That Torch You Think She’s Holding
Not for B.J. Novak, not for anyone.Blood Hounds: They’re Obsessed With Period Sex
“A real man goes down on you on your period. And loves it.”Tom Ford Debuted Nipple Pasties on the Runway
Formal nipple pasties.Prada Marfa Won’t Be Torn Down After All
Continue with your selfies.London Featured Sporty Dresses and Digital Prints
Antonio Berardi, Roksanda, and Mulberry round out Monday's shows.Meet the New Generation of Baldwin Spawn
So many daughters born to so many sons.
Many a white suit.Christopher Kane Is Doing a Full Beauty Line
He announced a NARS collab today.Lena Dunham’s Life Motto Is Also Bill Cosby’s
Funnily, enough.25 Famous Women on Childlessness
Gloria Steinem, Condoleezza Rice, Stevie Nicks, and more on the decision not to have kids.Watch the Tom Ford Show Live from London
Enjoy!Kim Kardashian Gets Sensual With Some Koalas
Oh, she can get sexy with anything. Anything.Burberry Featured Cara Delevingne and Kate Moss
Together in the front row.Christopher Kane Went Back to His Student Days
With a collection dedicated to Louise Wilson.Cool, Functional Work Bags for Under $400
Up your everyday bag game.Neiman Marcus Will Soon Own MyTheresa.com
Yet another acquisition for the company.
So prim.A Modern, Ladylike Purse Perfect for Work
Nothing like a giant golden bar detail to dress up a shoulder bag.Meet the Preteens Who Crashed Fashion Week
Wearing matching "Chanel" outside the Marc Jacobs tent.A Cute Shiftdress That’s Perfect for Layering
Plus: big pockets.Jean Paul Gaultier to Cease Doing Ready-to-Wear
He'll continue with couture and perfume.Rihanna Changed My Opinion on Frosted Lipstick
Maybe I'll soon feel the same way about bras.Astrology GIFs for the Week of September 15, 2014
Time to get back to work.Watch the Burberry Prorsum Show Live
Enjoy!Street-Style Awards: The 25 Best-Dressed People From London Fashion Week
London street-stylers let their freak flags fly.My Year As an Abortion Doula
What it's like to help other women end their pregnancies.
So many matching crop-top sets.Watch: The Cut Talks Runway Twerking and SpongeBob
With editorial director Stella Bugbee and comedian Abbi Crutchfield.Street-Style Awards: The 17 Best-Dressed People From NYFW, Day 8
New York street style ended on a high note.5 Backstage Beauty Lessons From the Last Days of Fashion Week
Try a reverse manicure.Style Diaries: See All of Jamie Chung’s Fashion Week Looks in One Place
The actress and style blogger on a few of her NYFW outfits.This Perfume Is Better Than a Power Suit
The get-shit-done fragrance.Diesel Heiress Alessia Rosso Loves a Good Tan, Will Serve You Beer
Plus: She's a master flirt.The Fug Girls: Best and Worst of New York Fashion Week
If we’d invented Orange Is the New Black Bingo, we would have KILLED at it this week.
Expect a very thorough rubdown — and other pointers for novice spagoers.Nicki Minaj Wants to Make $500 Million and Then Some Babies
Having it all, when "it all" is $500 million.