Dear Lady Gaga,
It's been awhile since we touched base. (And no, that poke you never returned doesn't count.) But watching you since then has been thrilling, and we say this sincerely since the last thing you need after that Vogue profile is more puffed-up compliments. But your presence as one to be stared at has been unfailingly awesome — until you arrived at the Grammys last night.
We love how you still run around without pants when you buy scarves at Gap-esque stores in Paris. We believe you are an especially commendably committed individual to do this when the temperature is around the freezing mark, and we actually don't even find it that worrisome because we know that your priority in life is not to be comfortable, and you've come so far because of it. We love that journalists have still yet to find quite the right turns of phrase to describe your ever-elevating shoes. We at once love and don't love that you can convince the masses that "dresses" made from meat are a thing of fashion. We love that you started hyping "Born This Way" with a unicorn. We love that we never know what to expect from you, in instances such as last night, when you arrived at the Grammys being carried in an egg.
Now, you've done a lot with your fashions. The public may see this as you running out of things to do, but we don't doubt your potential to innovate. Mostly because you have an incredible team of stylists, not to mention the couture team at Armani Privé (if you're still under contract), who last year put you in some of the most amazing outfits ever worn to the Grammys. So, we have to ask: WHY DIDN'T YOU USE THEM? We have been looking forward to this moment (because we are bloggers, and they can provide us with weeks of material) for weeks. What will Gaga wear to the Grammys? we think in the middle of yoga class, mostly when we are in a very uncomfortable position. We sure hope we get to do a slideshow like the one we did last year!
You showed up in a piece of Tupperware. We couldn't even see your head, which you could have stuck out through a hole, so at least it might look like you were WEARING the so-called egg. And we get the metaphor. You were born this way, and so you made your first public exit from the egg onstage as you performed "Born This Way." But that's the thing: You were BORN this way. You weren't HATCHED this way. Accuse us of being "words people," but so be it.
Once you hatched from the egg, we loved it. Your ponytail was probably thick enough to hold a sloth, and your hat made about as much sense as fur pants. Your abs were as sculpted as your pointy shoulders. And the hospital gowns you and all the dancers wore were simple enough to keep the focus on the song, but interesting enough for us to think about them. Were they meant to mimic the yolk of an egg? Make you look like you emerged from the shower curtain section of Bed Bath & Beyond after a rollicking round of shrooming? It doesn't matter. All that matters is that you wore clothes for us to overanalyze. Not eggs.
But please, stop wearing foods. Thinking about you is fun, but we don't want to every time we eat an egg and cheese sandwich.
Keep on keepin' on, girlfriend. Your feet are in our prayers, always.
Air kiss air kiss,
Related: See All the Looks From the 2011 Grammys Red Carpet [Vulture]