America's Next Top ModelRachel Zoe Season 16 • Episode 5
If last night's episode of Top Model had a theme — other than the typical histrionics, of course — it would be that all involved fell, for once, just short of their potential. The requisite CoverGirl commercial challenge paled to the awkwardness that was last week’s “Fierce Roast” coffee ads, even with a clever twist that forced the girls to direct each other. And all four and a half minutes devoted to this week’s photo shoot — posing with a baby jaguar at the old Los Angeles Zoo wearing pieces from guest judge Rachel Zoe's line of faux furs — were cute, but contained no cat-fighting and only a few snarls, from Alexandria at that.
Speaking of cats, this week’s cattiness was uninspiring, too. Back at the model house, everyone hates Alexandria — except Jaclyn, who’s just scared of her, along with, probably, butterflies, long sentences, and PG-13 movies. Alexandria, however, firmly believes she’s misunderstood and that she’s only bossy, obnoxious, and controlling because she cares too much. While she calls her boyfriend to vent and cry, Monique reads her diary, with poor-beweaved Molly as a giddy sidekick. Sadly, the snooping was a flop since Alexandria’s journal entries were more tragically deluded than amusing. But at least Monique brought her stealthy-bitch A-game to the table.
At panel, the best advice came from Tyra, who wants the girls to grab the handlebars of fierceness and not let go. (She also wants to shake Mikaela like a maraca and make some crazy crazy eyes — as usual.) But she's not the only judge who sees that none of the contestants this season are riding their ANTM bikes without their training wheels. Rachel Zoe called Kasia cheap, yet reality television's best judge ever, André Leon Talley — again missing a feather in his fedora — was inspired by Monique’s vampire chic. Meanwhile, Nigel appears onscreen as though for no other reason than ANTM producers trying to ride out his contract, and Tyra briefly falls into a Jamaican accent for no apparent reason.
Faux-boho Hannah wins best photo of the week, because the judges have yet to realize that she’s actually cycle 11’s Analeigh all over again, and Molly and Dalya fall to the bottom of the sadly-not-very-feral model pack. Molly spent the week acting all sorts of pissy and justifiably complaining about her still ludicrous weave; whereas Dalya talked up her prior modeling experience and just how badly she wants to be America’s (pause) Next (pause) Top (pause) Model. But wanting to win too much is almost as bad as not wanting it enough, so Dalya was out — incidentally making this cycle one of the quickest to eliminate all of its ethnic contestants. Enjoy a video montage of ALT and Zoe's critiques, plus more silliness from last night's episode in the video.