Lady Gaga's first column for V, which we read in full this morning, is a 1,445-word lecture, in which she compares herself to Yves Saint Laurent, a librarian, and Andy Warhol — but not Madonna. The article, formatted as a "Memorandum" addressed to V editor Stephen Gan, with "Fashion-Sexuals" cc'd along with "The World," reads like a nonsensical defense of all the criticisms leveled against Gaga in her brief career. "Art gives birth to new art," she asserts.

There is no chicken or egg. It's molecular. Cells give birth to cells. To put it more bluntly, the Hussein Chalayan vessel I wore at the Grammys wasn't inspired by a chicken. It was stolen from an egg. But the transformation, the context, and the approach taken to reinterpret the meaning of birth and rebirth in terms of fame on a fucking red carpet — this is what creates the modernity of the statement. The past undergoes mitosis, becoming the originality of the future.

She also goes on about being a super expert in fashion and art (Picasso and Matisse, according to Gaga, "were in a bitchy queen fight for two decades). And we will confess: Her actual article points to a distinct failing in the fake one we made up yesterday, which is that we forgot to use the word "mitosis"! However we cannot rule out the possibility that our art gave birth to her art and is now the originality of the future in which case her use of "mitosis" is not our failing but our untapped idea that she stole.

You can read Gaga's full article here. Godspeed.