Yesterday you got a look at the non-Gaga content in V's new "Asia" issue hitting stands Thursday. Apparently, Lady Gaga gets to be on the cover! And though her face prosthetics took a vacation for the shoot, they may have gone overboard in hiring some substitutes that included a bull ring for the diva's nose — but maybe that helped her snarl and stomp her way through the shoot for some added undertones of rage. According to fan site Gaga Daily, 10 percent of proceeds from this issue go toward relief efforts in Japan.

Gaga's first column for the magazine, "in which she shares her thoughts on fashion and gives an exclusive look into her world," will also appear in this issue (but that can't be why she got the cover because writers don't belong on covers, obviously — they belong in their cubicles).

Now, The Cut has obtained an EXCLUSIVE look at Gaga's first column, which we MOST DEFINITELY DID NOT MAKE UP.

Here it is:

Dear Little Monsters:

These are my confessions, my inner most thoughts and most honest beliefs about myself, me The Artist that is Gaga, a statue of which you may bow to on knees and palms as you read this. Cry a little, too, please. I can only share these facets of my most imaginative imaginativeness with you, Little Suckers — I mean, Monsters — because you are part of My Art and fly with me on the wings of the albino unicorn that are taking me on the Journey from a disco ball bra to a firework bra to something else entirely because that HACK KATY PERRY RUINED FUCKING FIREWORKS FOR MEEE.

What? No, I didn't say that. Katy is my sister. Those are YOUR thoughts, melting into mine. Your mind IS my mind. Yes. It is. It.

So, in this story — are you weeping yet? HISS — I will give you one, just one, confession. And if you COMPARE ME TO MADONNA ONE MORE TIME for saying "confession" so much know that it will not scar my creative psyche. But now that you've read enough of my deep, deep, important, fabulous, sparkling thoughts, here is what I am going to tell you: My feet. Are fucking. Killing me.

Brilliant! We wonder if she blogs.

Lady Gaga Covers V Magazine’s ‘Asia’ Issue [Gaga Daily]