In the game of weddings, model Kate Moss and Princess of Monaco Charlene Wittstock are fierce rivals. In the same way two frenemies with overlapping sets of friends plan birthday dinners for the same weekend, leaving one to reschedule if she wants anyone important to show up. The loser in the scheduling contest — because when it comes to girly things, everything is a competition — was Moss, who moved her wedding ceremony up a day so that mutual friends wouldn't miss her moment (because she has so few in this life) to witness Charlene's. But as for the weddings themselves, who won? It may be hard for Moss to compete with royalty in the scheduling stakes, but she is a raging fashion icon who can start entire trends with the drop of an oxford on a London sidewalk, which is no small offensive for even an Olympic athlete like Charlene to go up against. To determine the winner, we've compiled an analysis of each three-day event, measuring the highlights with an arbitrary points system.
• Designed by John Galliano, Moss's dress was a gorgeous slip of a thing with elegant rhinestone and beading detail and a see-through skirt that showed off Moss's legs. Robin Givhan of the Daily Beast notes, "The dress isn’t dramatic or theatrical, nor a runway-finale-style dress full of tricks and showstopping ostentation. It isn’t an iconic gown, either; its lines won’t have the bridal industry atwitter." Which is exactly why we love it. Who wants to look like a low-rent version of a famous person at their wedding anyway?
Plus 100 because she looked PERFECT.
Other Bridal Looks:
• Moss wore three Stella McCartney outfits for her first dance, subsequent partying, and honeymoon departure.
Plus 12 because she had to work a sparkly minidress in there somewhere since she's Kate Moss, and one thing she'll never have to do is please a bunch of conservative New Englanders who like to wear yellow pants and judge other people who don't.
• Galliano was the "surprise guest" and showed up wearing a black Comme des Garçons suit and black hat. He had to be there to help with any of Moss's last-minute fittings, surely, but his attendance was also probably a neat thing for her to boast about since the man has been hiding out at rehab and mostly off the radar since his firing from Dior.
Plus 8, because everything Moss does always has that scandalous edge to it.
• Holy crap, the other guests, according to British Vogue: "Daphne Guinness wore a light blue dress designed by herself, French Vogue editor Emmanuelle Alt chose Balmain from the new collection, while Carine Roitfeld opted for vintage Galliano. Anna Wintour was in a Prada dress based on a Mondrian painting." No wonder they ordered so much Champagne — can you imagine having to get married in front of all of them wearing all that?
Plus 3, only to even out for the minus points for the stress of having to swan about in front of all those people, who came to swan themselves.
• Naomi Campbell attended, wearing Givenchy Couture by Riccardo Tisci.
Plus 2 because it's always awesome having Naomi around looking great in some awesome piece of clothing but only plus 2 because one wonders how much discretion she used in not overshadowing the bride. (More on that below.)
• Having essentially shut down Cotswolds for the wedding, Kate and Jamie sent each neighbor a bottle of Champagne with a note that read, "Thank you for all your patience and understanding! Lots of love, Jamie and Kate."
Minus 15, because a bottle of Champagne and a one-sentence note must hardly make up for the giant inconvenience of having Kate Moss get married around the corner.
MOSSTOCK GRAND TOTAL: 110
• Charlene married Prince Albert of Monaco wearing a custom couture Armani number, structured, off-the-shoulder, with a long dramatic train. It looked a little stiff in the manner of a table linen, but Charlene is too beautiful to not look beautiful, and the dress was true to her style and true to the formality of the occasion. "The idea was to go for a completely modern look, without an obvious sense of nostalgia or revivalism," Armani explained in a press release. The handiwork involved in creating the dress was considerable, British Vogue reports: "The dress took 2,500 hours to create, including 700 hours for the embroidery alone, and featured 40,000 Swarovski crystals, 20,000 mother of pearl teardrops and 30,000 stones in gold shades. The dress was made up of 50 metres of duchesse silk, and 80 metres of silk organza — and even the veil was a work of art, encompassing 20 metres of silk tulle taking 100 hours to embroider."
Plus 65 because we like an easy breezy bride, but Charlene wasn't supposed to be one of those anyway.
• Being a princess, Charlene got to accessorize with a crown. The "Diamond Spray" tiara by Lorenz Bäumer included eleven encrusted diamond pears and was meant to reflect Charlene's love of the sea, symbolizing "joyous outpouring of ocean foam," according to a press release.
Plus 75, because PRINCESS CROWN!!! Also: "joyous outpouring of ocean foam." Beyoncé would approve.
• Attending were LOTS of other princesses of regions like the Netherlands, Norway, Sweden, and Thailand.
Plus 134 because princesses are never not fun, and none of them overshadowed her. Also, they busted out their crowns for the nighttime party.
• Karl Lagerfeld, Giorgio Armani, and Nicolas Sarkozy were also there.
• Naomi Campbell went to the Saturday daytime religious ceremony wearing Alexander McQueen, including a fun hat.
Plus 10, because while many guests wore hats, Naomi's really gave her a lot of height, which is just what you need when you're a supermodel.
• You have to see what Naomi wore to the nighttime dinner. It's white, skimpy, and sparkly — in other words, just the sort of thing every bride wants her guests to wear to her wedding.
Plus 3, because she went there.
• Included in the three-day festivities was a spectacular-looking fireworks display.
Plus 20, because if anyone can appreciate a great fireworks show, it's us Americans.
• Holy hell, you have to get a load of their cake.
Plus 7 because it's freaking gigantic. (Note: score is adjusted for minus points accrued for how little of it was probably actually eaten.)
• We know a lot more about Charlene's wedding than Mosstock because, being a big public matter of the state, more photos of it are readily available, making it particularly tough for Mosstock to beat in an arbitrary points analysis like this one.
Plus 109, because since we blog and like to know and see everything at these affairs, we have to commend the access granted to press. All the people who attended and like to have their photos taken are also probably very happy with it.
WITTSTOCK GRAND TOTAL: 476.
Now we know, Charlene is the clear and proven winner of the weekend's epic wedding battle. Just goes to show that even Kate Moss can't beat a princess wedding.