The Rachel Zoe ProjectNew Beginnings, Big Changes Season 4 • Episode 1
Rachel Zoe is pregnant!!!!!! Well, not in the real world anymore, but she is in Bravo-land, where everything is sunnier, more colorful, sparklier, and more amusing than it is in real life. The highly entertaining Brad Goreski, who is getting his own spinoff show on Bravo and, according to Zoe, deceived her and Rodger into thinking he wanted the simple life with his couch and his dog when he resigned, has been replaced by Zoe's bump — and watching her pregnancy in action is like Us Weekly on Ronnie-level steroids. And while we thought we would miss Brad on the season premiere last night, the bump 1000 percent made up for his absence, as did watching Rachel's clothing line come together. That line is perhaps equally important a character this season as the baby, since Rachel's focus has shifted to building her brand and launching the line rather than making sure actresses get arbitrary best-dressed accolades for standing on red carpets in front of cameras.
Also new this television season in Zoe-land: the ex-lawyer Mandana, whose name is only one vowel off from being able to spell Madonna, obviously to remind us all that this is Bravo we're watching; a new assistant Jeremiah, who is camera-friendly and Rachel-compatible, if not an experienced stylist; and Rodger's antsier antsiness, which grew him a brand new beard. And now, this week's lessons.
What We Learned About Life
• Being pregnant really does make you want to talk about it all the time, which Rachel can do until man can herd cats without it getting old, because she's her. It also causes the
wife servant bump-less future dad to bring everything back to The Baby. "If Rachel didn’t have a baby on the way I think the Brad thing would have affected her a lot more," Rodger pontificates. And how sweet was it when Rachel, discussing how her pregnancy "just happened" at the busiest time of her career, couldn't help smiling and giggling about it? She glowed, and it was touching.
• When she didn't glow, she whined — to Rodger. Because when you're pregnant, that's what husbands are for! Rodger asks Rachel if she tried to wake him up in the middle of the night. (As a pregnant lady, she's up every hour, she says). "I tried, but you didn't really wake up," she says. "Honey, why should we both be tired?" he replies. "Do you think it's fair that I watch you sleeping, and snoring, and, like, dreaming, and giggling — you literally giggle in your sleep." Infuriating. He should be up giving her back massages and reading her TMZ aloud.
• Apparently, you never really feel like you're ready for a baby, even when you're pregnant. "The only living thing we've ever had was a dog, and Rachel's parents had to take the dog away because we were unfit parents," Rodger says. Well, maybe the true mistake was getting a needy-ass dog instead of a cat.
• Zoe can not only lord her bump over the tabloids, she can lord it over Rodger. She tells the hair and makeup people getting her ready for her "first family portrait" for Elle magazine that, when he pisses her off, she doesn't let him touch her stomach for a whole day, which is kind of like parenting practice when the kid is forbidden dessert.
• New word: execu-bitch. Use: to describe chicks like Mandana, who was an attorney for two years before joining Team Zoe to work on her clothing launch, and help her friend's pretty ex-model roommate get a job with a famous stylist and a spot on reality television.
• So, THAT GUY. Jeremiah, whose hair is too perfectly poufed, whose cheekbones are too perfectly chiseled, and whose complexion has that too trendy near-death look male runway models have, is Mandana's friend's roommate who has some experience interior decorating and tries to act like he has fashion styling experience. When Rodger asks Mandana about his qualifications to be a fashion stylist, she says, "he’s really hot" and "he’s gay." Being good-looking really does get you jobs. The guy probably has the best brow furrow this side of earth right now.
• "Styling for me has always been like a blank canvas," Jeremiah tells Zoe. See? Everybody says really cheesy shit in job interviews.
• Perhaps more believably cheesy was the rejected candidate for the new job, a young woman who reminded Rachel and Rodger of Rachel when she was just starting out. Rodger especially couldn't get over that, which can't have helped his case to hire her. "She looks like you," Rodger says. "She's really cute." Oh, men — this is not how you convince your wife to hire somebody.
• Constantly remind your husband — and your reality-television audience — WHO RUN THIS MOTHA. Rodger was kind of victimized on the show last night since, when it came down to who would get their way in life, Rachel always won. Because, being pregnant, women deserve their way a million times more than they usually do. Rodger learned not only to serve Rachel sparkling water with a splash of cranberry, but also not to deny her a huge house that can fit a baby nurse and her parents and all her clothes and all the baby's clothes and maybe half of Rodger's necklaces. Rachel didn't let him go house-hunting for her future palace without one of her staffers, who dutifully went against Rodger's plea not to tell Rachel about the big, gorgeous house, which Rachel was then insisted on leasing.
• Don't beat yourself up for being a renter. The Zoes are leasing that house for 20K a month.
• You never have to grow up on the inside or hide that you haven't. Rachel wonders if she and Rodger are "even mature enough" to live in a house like that. "No," he says.
What We Learned About Fashion
• It's just as fun to style a baby boy as a baby girl. "I found out I was having a boy, and I did cry for a week. Or two. Maybe even three," Rachel says. "I always had this plan in my mind that I was gonna have this little baby girl that, like, came to Paris with me, and sat on my lap, and went to couture shows with me, but I'm over it. Because I found really cute clothes for a boy now." Besides, anything tiny is just better anyway, right? Puppy versus dog, kitten versus cat, etc.
• Stylists can get jobs without a ton of experience. Rachel decides to hire Jeremiah because she "loves [herself] a cute boy" and thinks he'll work his ass off. Besides, she notes, Brad and her other ex-assistant Taylor didn't have tons of experience when she hired them. Let's remember his first interview with the Zoes, which ought to be encouraging to any inexperienced aspiring anything with a good blazer and a knack for witty banter:
• If you're lucky enough to get a job with Rachel Zoe, having had fake to no experience styling, do not tell the Bravo camera you have never steamed something before. Half a million people who would have killed for that job now want to kill you.
• It's faster to make a baby than a clothing line. The Rachel Zoe Collection took fifteen months to launch.
• BREAKING: The fashion industry isn't very accepting. Rachel says she's scared to show her collection because Fashions aren't exactly rooting for stylists to come on with clothing lines and, what do you know, be good at it.
• When you have a clothing line to show to retailers and editors in New York, the actress with a premiere in L.A. is NUMBER TWO.
• The best thing to wear when you're pregnant and doing a shoot for a magazine is Givenchy.
• The best thing to wear at all, ever, is Givenchy.
• The best thing for your husband to wear to make him fade into the sheets at said shoot while your pregnancy radiance overpowers everything — him, mostly — and you are wearing actual clothes is Tom Ford pajamas.
• Rachel: "I realize you can't suck your stomach in with a baby."
• Children: wearing Givenchy — right? "I could suck up anything for fashion if I didn’t think it was genuinely squashing my child," Rachel says as she wriggles her bump into the Givenchy, which she wore anyway.
• Rachel: "This is the thing about being pregnant — it takes longer to get dressed, and you end up in all black." Oh, so that's not just a living in New York thing?