The Rachel Zoe ProjectRodger's Temper and Kim Kardashian Are Hot Season 4 • Episode 3
Dear Bravo, this fabricated feud between Joey and Jeremiah has got to stop. Fine, maybe it's not even that fabricated, but it seems to be the main source of tension for this season of The Rachel Zoe Project, even though additional drama is not necessary when Rachel Zoe is pregnant with the most famous reality television baby of our time. Perhaps the network is trying to recreate the feud we first witnessed when the show premiered between then-veteran Zoe assistant Taylor Jacobson and then-new Zoe assistant Brad Goreski. However, there was something about that feud that made us like both Brad and Taylor, while the current war between the meager nations of Joey and Jeremiah just makes us dislike Joey. And we never disliked him before!
Suddenly Joey's taken on this role of a main character, who seems jealous of Jeremiah and cunningly desperate to push him out, and who believes he can leverage his position as "Rachel Zoe's best friend" to do so. But the problem is, Bravo hasn't given Joey or the audience a reason to dislike Jeremiah, beyond his remarkable hairless pectoral cleavage that somehow extends to his collar bones and peeks spectacularly out of all his tight Henley shirts. But that isn't even a reason to dislike someone with such great taste in furniture! More lessons from last night's episode below.
Things We Learned About Life
• Rachel is always right. Rodger knows this because she always gets her way in their relationship, but she proved it to viewers last night when the scope of Jeremiah's usefulness — which has been in doubt for most of this season so far — finally took shape. Rodger didn't want to hire Jeremiah because he had little to no styling experience, but as Rodger notes, not only did they get a (gorgeous) assistant in Jeremiah, they also got an interior decorator, which they need to outfit their whole new 7,000-square-foot house in ten days. "If Rachel had her way, everything would be white lacquered and mirrored. She's like a gay man," Jeremiah tells Rodger as they do a walk-through of the new crib. "I'm definitely going to try to push your boundaries with pieces that aren't specific to your aesthetic," he continues, explaining that you have to have some traditional pieces in the house. He's right, because otherwise the place will end up like a dated-looking Jetsons-inspired porn set.
• It's possible to be eight months pregnant and not feel "cankle-y." (Joey's word.)
• It's okay to tell your employee that "cute helped" your decision to hire him. But hey, it's not like Jeremiah doesn't know he's pretty.
• When you tell someone you don't want to turn their project into "a test," it seems obvious you're only doing so for the reality television cameras. This is what Zoe tells Jeremiah when he comes into her apartment to talk about turning her new house into a "Parisian parlor."
• Not to harp on how much we love Jeremiah, but he is maybe the most level-headed person ever to be on this show. Rachel and Rodger need that if they're going to run their huge business and keep their jewelry organized.
• Okay, well, even more level-headed than Jeremiah is Zoe's main styling assistant Jordan, who is probably getting so little airtime because she's just as sweet and lovely and inoffensive as she seems. In other words, totally wrong for reality television.
• Rachel is always right. The best scene from last night's episode was when Rachel and Rodger were on the couch fighting about him going to Vegas. Rodger, as Rachel and her fans can clearly see, had no good reason to be going to Vegas other than his inner irrepressible longing to be a frat boy. Rachel is so practiced at running Rodger's world that she can say to him, "You’ve been a cranky ass bitch," and it actually helps her argument. Watch:
• If you can only bring one of your cute gay assistants on your Kim Kardashian shoot, bring your favorite. To be fair, Jeremiah would have been too professional to be entertaining on that shoot. But there was something very disturbing about Joey's complete lack of irony in his love for and fawning over Kim on the set.
• Every time you greet your pregnant friend, you have to have the obligatory "you look amazing" (or "amaze" if you're Kim Kardashian) conversation. "From the back, I wouldn't even know you're pregnant," Kim tells Rachel. Part of this obligatory exchange is self-deprecation: "I'm going to be a whale when I'm pregnant," Kim adds.
• "The reason that I didn't gain everywhere else is because I haven't sat down since I've got pregnant," Rachel tells Kim. "But you're going to be the same — you're not just going to lie around and eat." If we had a husband as easy to order around as Rodger, we might.
• Husbands have to be available at all times to their pregnant wives, no matter where they are or what they're doing. When Rachel calls Rodger and he doesn't answer, she says: "I love that Rodger’s not picking up the phone. For all he knows I could be in labor right now. And he’s planning a trip to Vegas. Seriously?" RODGER FAIL.
• If you feel so unprepared for parenthood that you have to run off to Vegas to try to experience your own version of The Hangover, don't argue with your sister-in-law's suggestion to bring in a doula who is trying to help you through the birth. Maybe Rodger doesn't understand because he's not the one who has to do it.
Things We Learned About Fashion
• It's not that hard to get outfits for a Kim Kardashian shoot in less than a day, even though Zoe says it's "nearly impossible."
• Maybe it's not that hard because the requirement is so simple. "The dresses need to be super-tight," says Rachel. Go-tos for you other chicks in the market for super-tight dresses: Zac Posen, Azzedine Alaia.
• Jeremiah has better taste than Joey. We know this because Joey went straight for a pair of suede mid-calf red tranny boots that even Britney Spears wouldn't wear. "He was like pulling out the most ugly shit I’ve ever seen," Jeremiah says as Joey goes straight for a pair of heels that comes with their own red feather boa.
• When styling, you have to think about the person you're styling. During the pull scene, Jeremiah goes for a studded leopard platform that would scream Kim Kardashian from another hemisphere. Joey goes, "I don't think leopard is part of the story." And he's the one going on about how Rachel needs options, options, more options!
• Rodger's beard looks best when it's not as thick as the mat of necklaces he wears around his neck.
• Stylist should always flatter their clients. "I can’t believe we’ve never worked together," Rachel tells Kim on the set. We can. Kim is not an Oscar-nominated movie star.
• "I think Joey has that kind of gift to make girls feel pretty all the time," Rachel says. So, apparently fawning over E! reality stars on shoots for their fragrance ads is a gift.
• Husbands can make up ill-timed trips to Vegas to their wives by returning with diamonds. We kind of wish this scene wasn't on TV, because it felt bad for women everywhere who don't want to be seen as materialistic, engagement chicken-cooking types, but Zoe shamelessly admits she'd be more okay with the Vegas trip if Rodger comes back with diamonds for her. Then again, at least she's not roasting a chicken for them.
• Never show up to a celebrity shoot without Spanx. Kim's first question when Rachel hands her a red ballgown to try on is, "Do we have Spanx?" It was like she asked, "Can I have some more foundation?"