America's Next Top ModelSeason 17 • Episode 4
Happy times! On top of all their Tyra Mail this week, the girls get regular mail — care packages from home. Beginning an episode-long pity party that telegraphs her forthcoming elimination, Camille says her package is full of unpaid bills. She also says she’s old, and doesn't really get modeling jobs anymore. (But neither do the rest of the all-stars, so that's no biggie.)
The episode then jumps back to the night before — because really, this is Top Model: All-Stars, so who cares about continuity? — when Kayla accidentally overdoses on a cocktail of meds and has to be taken to the hospital. It turns out she’d suffered a bout of cardiac arrhythmia, and needs to carefully monitor situations that would involve her getting stressed. Except for this whole guaranteed-to-be-stressful reality TV competition, of course.
That a guest role on an episode of CSI is a huge deal for the remaining models really says it all. The challenge: acting in a short scene, having memorized a bunch of lines including unnecessarily complicated medical jargon. Everyone is terrible — Dominique is so especially bad that it’s funny — with only Bre and Angelea showing tenuous levels of theatrical competence. (Bre took the win.)
Stakes are high for this week’s Express photo shoot, too — a contract with the brand is part of the cycle’s prize package. (Interestingly, at judging, Tyra stops mentioning that a cover and accompanying spread of Italian Vogue’s beauty supplement is also a prize. Hmmm.) The girls get to pose with three legitimate top male models, including David Agbodji and Josh Kloss. Aside from some on-set snark from Express's CFO, who's clearly unimpressed with the standard of talent, it's mostly an underwhelming commercial-focused shoot. Really, the comedown from phallic hot dogs and stilts was going to be jarring no matter what.
Nigel talks a lot at panel, which is a sign that there’s nothing particularly witty or nonsensical from Tyra or A.L.T. this week, aside from a few gratuitous mispronunciations (“dynamique”, and a gleeful expression for "fatigue" that doesn't even make sense phonetically). Angelea bounces back to the top of the pack with a photo that makes her look, to André, like a newly wealthy Russian wife. That’s apparently a good thing for Express? (A mail-order bride cameo missed, sigh.) Lisa and Camille face Tyra's saccharine wrath in the bottom two spots, since they make copious excuses for their respective poor showings instead of falling to their knees in fits of tears before Tyra and offering to kiss her feet, sign over their future firstborns to Modelland, and so on.
This is tough though, because both are justified in their complaints: poor addled-at-best Lisa stood no chance at remembering her lines going last in the challenge; Camille’s supposedly best shot seems to have been taken during a moment when she’d slipped up, quite literally, on the steps she’d been posing on. But there's no place for logic on Top Model either, so broke, old, and really quite beaten-down Camille was eliminated. And she refused to shake it out with Tyra before her exit, so don't look for her at the reunion.