Always a bastion of subtlety, one of this week's episode's first segments — aside from a wholly pointless shouting match, over-hyped in the previews, about the girls' collective shower schedule — was a back-and-forth between Bianca and Kayla, in which they discussed each other's strengths and weaknesses. So guess which girls went home in a SHOCKING double elimination?
The dumb names the girls pick for the fragrances they make up for this week's challenge include "Smitten," "Honey Blood," and "Diamondatrix." Tragically, these are the more inventive options; other girls simply regurgitate the words they got assigned a few weeks back when they were all branded. (Kayla also takes the opportunity to remind us that she's as "free" as her brand requires because she has a bed now — avid cycle fifteen viewers will remember her sob story is that, as a child, she had to SLEEP ON THE FLOOR.) With their scents blended, the girls have to "sell" them to their fans at an event, where they'll be posing in tacky bathtubs.
Hilariously, Bianca is appalled by the bathtub situation. On the one hand, this is perfectly justified, but on the other, this is Top Model. While everyone else at least deigns to paddle and giggle wryly in their tubs, Bianca refuses to dip even a single toe in hers. (She's decided such antics would "damage her brand.") Nigel, judging the challenge, is very annoyed; he picks crazy old lady Lisa as the winner because, of course, her bathtub party was the wettest and wildest.
You might thing that this is the pinnacle of the episode's tackiness, but no! Not even close. Because the inspiration for this week's photo shoot are reality TV behemoths Snooki and Real Housewives' Nene Leakes. The girls have to pose, bringing tasteless sass like no other, on the back of a Harley Davidson motorcycle as it's driven around L.A. at night. Everything is terrible. There are crazy people in the streets shouting at the girls as they pose — one even mistakes Angelea for Tyra. Bianca requests a pickle for her shoot as Snooki, which is smart, but then Jay tells her she's making it too phallic. (Um, we're pretty sure that was always Snooki's point anyway, and more importantly, why was this not a concern during the hot dog shoot?)
Tyra starts judging with an all-too-staged fake fight with guest judge Kathy Griffin, who doesn't prove to be as funny as you'd expect — especially given the plethora of material this week threw up like the quintessential Shore-ster after a long night of mixed drinks. André Leon Talley is still clearly appalled by every aspect of Lisa's being, but her cheekbones wow the other judges enough to see her pick up this week's best photo. As for the victims of this week's double elim: Kayla, for looking too dazed in her photo (though how it's possible to be too dazed when portraying a drunken guidette was not made clear), and Bianca, for, yes, not getting into the bath. Absurd as it is to lose two of the season's strongest models, Bre and Bianca, nearly back-to-back, if Bianca wants to be taken seriously
as a model at all, her elimination from this increasingly sad spectacle couldn't come too soon. Just ask Fatima.
Here's more of ALT's brilliance from this week's panel: