The month of December has two themes and two themes only: Christmas and New Year's Eve. The connectors between the two? Calories. And sequins. Magazines fully explore all that is shiny and fattening this month, not that the models would show any sign of pudgeing up when they have their crop tops on, which was a New Year's Eve dressing suggestion in British Vogue. But that was far from the magazine's best image this month, which was a shot of a model dressed like a wedge of stinky cheese, replete with blue veins and air vapors. Meanwhile, American Vogue offered some unusual advice for holiday hair that involves replacing your hair with gold foil. See those images, along with hot blonde of the moment Candice Swanepoel dressed like a furry animal for V, a fake dolphin modeling a handbag for Oyster, and many more from this month's editorials in the slideshow.
Most Debatable Travel Spread - British Vogue
On the one hand, December is the best month to photograph reindeer, but on the other, are you tired of magazines sending models and photo crews with a rack of designer clothes to poor parts of the world (in this case, Mongolia)? Or does this editorial avoid tokenizing the residents?
Best Justification for Models Being Thin - V
Two models, one hula hoop.
Best Model - Oyster
An image that could only be improved with the addition of a non-sample size hula hoop and another dolphin!
Best Moment of Zen - British Vogue
Now you can rightfully say fashion magazines have gotten too cheesy.
Most Overdone Concept - Flare
Magazines used to routinely throw models with messy hair into an overgrown field with a couch and a canoe, but now they're inserting them into birch forests with horses. This can't be War Horse's influence, can it? No on is actually planning to see that, are they?
Best Stealth Animal Inclusion - Vogue
Can you spot the lizard about to eat her toes?
Best Ghost - W
It's a spirit of Christmas past! In other words, Andrej Pejic naked!
Best Moody Royals Spread - Flare
The updated nature of these clothes aside, this probably isn't all that innaccurate. They probably do get their mouths taped shut in the palace and do put on their evening gowns and crowns and swan about for fun when no one's looking.
Best Polar Bear - V
Global warming has caused this speciment to shed once-necessary fur on her stomach and face.
Most Creative Way to Obviate the Need for Models - Vogue
"You dieted for weeks for this shoot? And got a facial? Eh, turn around."
Most Perplexing Styling - Marie Claire
Time for a quick game of I Spy! Let's see, I Spy: 1. Yellow twist ties as bracelets. 2. Tassles. 3. A wet braid. 4. A harness.
Best Ode to Armani - Ten
This is a much more interesting place to wear a panstuit than 99 percent of the places in which magazines photograph them.
Best Casting - British Vogue
Only Gisele could wear knee-length leggings, and a dress with two waist belts, all in primary colors.
Best Boogie Woman - 10
And she did her best Beyoncé impression, to much fanfare.
Best Use of China Chow - Elle
This is an art editorial starring ... a giant fun-looking pill!
Most Disappointing Male Celebrity Portrait - Jared Leto in British Vogue
Everything he's wearing is his own, except the kilt. The chest wax is so counterintuitive.
Best Hipster Movie Star - Jessica Biel in Elle
You go, Jessica Biel. Do all that grungy stuff Vogue never let you do!
Biggest Diva - Madonna in Harper's Bazaar
Only Madonna can get away with putting on a Rick Owens cape and having the photographer take a picture of her back. Try to imagine any other famous celebrities with enough photo shoots to satiate their egos to go for this kind of portrayal.
Best Photos of Sisters - W (Part I)
It's the Fannings! Let's put them in lots of fashion magazines because they're so young and conveneintly related that it's sensational! And they can, for a moment, make women forget how bitterly they felt toward their sisters when they were these girls' ages.
Best Photos of Sisters - W (Part II)
Note how on the right, the Fendis are pretty equitably styled, in dark dresses, with scary hair sculptures, looking equally confused. And then there are the Livelys, styled like Destiny's Child incarnate in outfits that can only say there is clearly one lead singer here.
Most Underappreciated Supporting Model - Canadian Fashion
You know how men's magazines always do the same editorial of a guy in the woods with a naked girl? And the naked girl not only looks like she just loves being naked and camping in the woods, but is also rubbing up all over the guy, who always has almost all his clothes on? If this were a men's magazine shoot, our little scuba Ken doll in the background there would be stark naked and nuzzling the girl model's neck. Why waste him as scenery?
Most Unnecessary Layers - Teen Vogue
At the rate teens are sexualized these days, there's no way they're going to want to start wearing jeans under all their miniskirts, whether or not it's a good idea for visual or modesty's sake.
Worst Reason to Kill Big Bird - Fashion
The pictures would have been so much more compelling if they had hired him in one piece.
Best Blogger Portrait - Susie Bubble in 10
Bubble has been mixing prints since long before they became a trendy thing to show on the runway. She's also been dressing the way she does since long before everyone started trying to copy the way she looks so that they, too, can get photographed by Tommy Ton at Fashion Week. So good for her for being consistently herself.
Most Outlandish Beauty Suggestion - Vogue
"Take holiday hair and makeup to another level," Vogue says on the opposite page, "with ideas that shimmer, dazzle, and shine." In other words: all those little foils from your holiday chocolates? Paste them to your head!
Gropiest Photo - Allure
Look in the mirror: He totally has his hand right on her boob.
Best Use of Fish - Details
Making watches interesting is no easy feat.
Best Example of Things People Never Actually Do - Glamour
Sex play rituals and all clothes aside, that guy would not run blindfolded around a library (library) that cluttered.
Best Accessories Editorial - British Vogue
They are throwing drinks at each other — awesome! However: who is going around to parties wearing a sports bra with a strap around their waist? Isn't everyone fat from Christmas by New Year's Eve?
Saddest New Year's Party - Lucky
Unless this is the morning after and it was just a really fucked up New Year's party. In that case, yay for taboos?
Best Reason to Stay In on New Year's Eve - Cosmopolitan
Especially if you've been out to enough bad "parties" in this city to know that this spread was photographed at Gold Bar.
Best Start to a Good Bad Music Video - V
V, consider yourself Guilty.
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