Maybe you're thinking, "Isn't Madonna's new video just an excuse for her to writhe around and make out with some of the world's top male models?" And you'd be right! Really, who can blame her? Shot softly in black and white, Madonna's newly released "Girl Gone Wild" video sees her performing aerobic-style dance moves with legendary Ukrainian pop group Kazaky (think "Single Ladies" but, somehow, a little sassier), fighting with a smoke monster, and getting up close and personal with Sean O'Pry. Click through our slideshow for a breakdown of all the video's looks, manic moments, and, most importantly, the abs. Prepare to be jealous.
Who: Madonna, duh. What: Soft-lit to the point that we're almost back in "Vogue" territory.
What: Ripped hosiery. Why: It's not supposed to be worn on forearms this muscular.
What: Snakeskin and lace. Why: Madge is a girl gone wild, and what says that better than a sexy bustier? (Other than attacking the paparazzi with an umbrella, that is.)
What: A bulging crotch shot. Why: Because that's what it is.
What: Hungry eyes. Why: Because Jon Kortajarena is not satisfied with his apple. His contract specifically stated his preference for Granny Smith.
What: The absence of a chair, stool, or even a bean bag. Why: Mid-video core workout!
What: Aching thighs. Why: Because even Madonna can only hold a wall squat for so long.
Who: Sean O'Pry. Why: This is just pretty.
What: Rob Evans's torso. WHAT: All caps necessary.
What: More of Rob Evans's torso. How: Good question, goddamnit.
What: A saliva-covered bullet. Where: In Simon Nessman's mouth, positioned quite salaciously.
What: Armpit hair. How: Because in case you haven't noticed, top male models are perfect.
What: Second-hand smoke and a pair of padlock earrings. Why: Because Anna Dello Russo already wore the matching necklace out.
What: Some feeble-looking chains Where: Madonna's bullet-riddled, male model-filled sex lair? And that's not a bad idea for a party venue, apart from the bullet-riddled part.
What: Workout wear and fingerless gloves. Why: Regular gloves would collect sweat, maybe?
What: Another pair of fingerless gloves, this time lacy ones. Why: Okay, more likely because Madonna wants to hide her veiny hands.
What: A shoe-off. How: Good question, it's going to be difficult to pick a winner when the shoes are a mirror image of each other.
What: Some serious flexibility. Why: Because if the past seventeen slides haven't made you body-conscious, we need to up the ante.
What: Cheating. How: Because it's not a real handstand if Madonna's actually just lying on the floor and the camera is rotated 90 degrees counter-clockwise. We're onto you, Madge.
What: ABS ABS ABS ABS ABS ABS ABS. How: Again, won't someone please tell us? (Or just lock us in a gym.)
What: Invisble hors d'oeuvres platters. Where: Balanced delicately on this dancer's hands. Not that he has ever eaten a vol-au-vent or cube of cheese on a cocktail skewer.
What: Sean O'Pry trying to duck out of frame. Why: Because his eyeliner does look a little silly.
What: Rob Evans giggling. Why: Someone farted.
What: Mild panic. Why: Madonna's thinking, "Will there be time to grind up on everyone's washboard stomachs?" Spoiler: Yes, Madonna, there will be.
What: A perfectly formed smoke ring. Why: Because throwing onion rings around instead would be too messy.
What: A gun. Eek! Why: There are probably giddy water pistol fights between takes.
What: Givenchy's nose jewelry. Where: Well, that should be obvious.
What: Aching thighs. Why: Again, there are probably giddy water pistol fights between takes.
What: Crawling Why: Dancer needs sustenance.
What: More body-conscious silhouettes Who: Someone (and someone fierce, at that) wearing old school Elton John-esque shades.
What: Basically, this is foreplay. How: Who's going to argue with Jon Kortajarena nuzzling their earlobe. We're just about melting vicariously.
What: More foreplay. Why: Because Madonna can do whatever she wants. Case in point: this video.
What: Rob Evans torso worship, scene two. Why: When you've got it, FLAUNT it.
What: Cheekbones How (many): At least six.
What: Madonna shouting, "Get me out of this smoke-filled room." Where: A smoke-filled room.
What: More cheating. What: And this time on poor Brahim. Let's not deny the serious tongue action.
What: A human side table. Why: Because you need somewhere to put your keys.
What: A brief homage to that scene with Madonna dancing by herself with the sped-up flashing lights backdrop from "Ray Of Light." Why: It was a cute music video, despite the bad denim-on-denim looks.
What: That game where you have to freeze like a statue when the music stops. Why: Because it's fun.
What: Runny mascara. How: Presumably the makeup artist was distracted by, oh, all of the above.
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