In terms of the clothing, the Met Gala is what the Golden Globes used to be: unbridled. We haven’t seen the equal to Björk’s swan dress now that stylists rule Hollywood’s red-carpet roost, but on fashion’s biggest, ballsiest night, that feathered confection would be right at home — if only because, when the designers are personally standing alongside their glittery confections, they tend to make their sartorial statements in the clothing equivalent of all-caps. Join us as we recap last night's most striking ensembles, good, bad, and cracktacular. It’s like awards season’s highlight reels all rolled together and then sprinkled with HGH — and we love it. For more Fug Girls, go here.
Most Side-Boob: Gwyneth Paltrow
We don't think of GOOP as being particularly busty, so it was surprising to see how much was popping out of her Prada gown — at least, we think it's a gown. It actually looks more like a high-fashion version of those aprons they make you wear at the dentist so the X-rays don't zap your innards. But we're pretty sure they don't let you take those home with you and staple sequined pockets on them.
Best Piece of History: Coco Rocha
Coco bought this allegedly wine-stained Givenchy pantsuit at the Christie's auction of Elizabeth Taylor's things, and everything about that sentence is magical. We cannot think of anything more delightful than being able to turn to someone at the Met Gala and say, "Look at where Elizabeth Taylor spilled wine on my outfit!" It’s also nice to think that La Liz is still, somehow, attending major events after her death. Well played.
Biggest Attempt to Beat You Over the Head With Her Knowlesian DNA: Beyoncé
You may have heard that Beyoncé recently had some sort of baby. You may also have heard that her body bounced back ten seconds later. But rather than letting that miracle of genetics stand on its own, Beyoncé stuffed herself into a musty merry-widow, drenched it in transparency dotted with hirsute-looking beads, and then glued herself to a bathmat. Dude, you don’t have to work this hard. YOU’RE BEYONCÉ.
Biggest Reminder That Simply Having Knowlesian DNA Is Enough on Its Own: Solange
Cleverly, the historically wackier of the Sisters Knowles decided to let Beyoncé swaddle herself in insanity and herself picked something sleek and simple. She glows. The knockout fit and color, coupled with her fabulous hair, guaranteed she’d be noticed without needing to invite us into her pelvis. Three cheers for baby sis.
Most Volcanic: Christina Ricci
At its essence, this — which we assume is by her date, Thakoon Panichgul — is a lacy, high-waisted pencil skirt with an erupting tube top. Aside from clapping with glee at the bow, which is so large it could’ve clothed three more of her and might have been almost as tall, the nicest thing we could say about it was, “Oh, phew, it’s not Capri pants.” Maybe it should have been; why stop at the one-yard line when you can score the touchdown?
Most Horrifying Revival of the Eighties: Sarah Jessica Parker
We can't even look at Parker in her Valentino without smelling Lip Smackers and Love's Baby Soft. She looks like a sister-wife as costumed by Laura Ashley.
Most Under-Accessorized: Karolina Kurkova
Yes, you read that right. Because, look, if you’re going shrink-wrapped in gold leaf with a matching gilded turban, you’re missing an opportunity to crown the look with a stole, lorgnettes, and a long cigarette holder. Somewhere, Gloria Swanson and Bette Davis are clinking tumblers full of ice and whiskey and saying, “These broads today just don’t get it.”
Most Delightfully Chloë Sevigny: Chloë Sevigny
Come on. She's just screwing with us now, right?
Most in Need of Firing Her Interior Decorator: Elizabeth Banks
We appreciate the need for exuberant entryway wallpaper, truly. But clearly this devolved from a client meeting into a glue-gunpoint hostage situation. And to cap it off, the oddly erect peplum gives the effect of her being an intergalactic cigarette girl. Migraine ahoy.
Most Convincing Starlet Statement: Nina Dobrev
We happen to love Dobrev, and The Vampire Diaries, but if you’re not on Gossip Girl, high fashion tends not to care so much about CW girls. So we're thrilled Nina scored this Donna Karan Atelier number, which is so major it should have come with its own train-wrangler. She's punching above her weight class — and making it look easy.
Least Convincing Starlet Statement: Lily Collins
Unlike up-and-comer Dobrev, who keenly uses these big events to boost her profile, we suspect nobody looked at Lily and said, “We must know who that is,” unless they followed it up with, “because my cow has not been milked in three months, and I’m fresh out of churned butter.”
Most Fantastically Schoolmarmish: Kirsten Dunst
Kiki looks simultaneously crazy and awesome, which is exactly how someone should look at the Met Gala. This Rodarte is very Amelia Earhart Teaches Freshman Composition, somehow managing to be cool and confounding at the same time. It's entirely possible that she thought she was going to a party with a completely different theme than this one, but then again, maybe there is no better "Impossible Conversation" than that between cool and confounding.
Best She's Looked in a Long Time: Carey Mulligan
Marriage clearly agrees with Carey, who has quite possibly never looked more smashing than she does in this sexy-but-not-sleazy metallic Prada. Additionally, it's tremendously thoughtful of her to set up so many bloggers with "Carey Mulligan shines" headline possibilities. We appreciate these things. It's a long night after the Met. Sometimes we need a hand.
Most Worth the Delay in Getting to the Bar: Rihanna
Rihanna showed up at the very tail end of the red carpet — after the photographers were getting antsy to pack up their gear and head out — but she proved worthy of the wait in this slinky and sophisticated Tom Ford crocodile skin number. We'll drink to all of that.
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