For too long, advice columns have relied on the wisdom of mere mortals. Humans are not perfect beings; it’s understandable that they require advice from time to time. But why do we depend on other members of our fallible species when we need help?
This is an advice column for the modern age. Centuries of technological progress have resulted in the greatest informational resource known to man: Google.
For what greater moral compass is there than a machine that, when you begin to type “can you eat,” suggests you search “can you eat human flesh with wooden teeth"? What greater etiquette adviser is there than a machine that, when asked for information on a Luxembourg politician, returns photos of feces? Who better to offer help on dealing with a stalker than a website that tracks your location at all times?
For better or worse, Google's role in our lives is unavoidable. Once a week here at The Cut, I’ll be plugging your queries into the omnipresent search engine and interpreting the responses. Call me the Google Whisperer.
Foreskin grosses me out. Is it unfair to dump guys who aren't circumcised, and if so, should I be honest about why, or should I lie?
I’m not going to question your attractions. Human sexuality is a complex thing, But, biologically speaking, it’s a little weird for you to dislike uncircumcised penises. This is the dick in its natural form. According to Google (“circumcision rates,” first result), only 30 percent of men in the world are circumcised, and most of them are Muslim. Your revulsion to natural penises is limiting your pool of potential mates.
And since most men do not repeatedly broadcast their circumcision status (don’t bother Googling “Jack Stuef circumcised” or “Jack Stuef uncircumcised”), you’re unlikely to know a man’s penile-skin situation until you see him naked and have sunk time and money into this relationship. Don’t just dump a guy after seeing his penis.
Or you could be more proactive. Googling "circumcision how to" results in blog posts about an episode of Nip/Tuck where a kid Googles "circumcision how to" and destroys his penis (we appear to have entered an infinite loop of Google), but these directions for stealing a stranger’s kidney (“how to steal a kidney,” first result) are easily adaptable. Circumcision creates a different sort of wound, though, so be sure to watch this doctor’s video on how to care for it (“care for circumcision wounds,” fourth result). “The head of the penis is usually red and raw after circumcision,” he says, “and it’s important that as the penis heals you put a layer of Vaseline and gauze on it so that it doesn’t stick to the diaper.”
But if you’re somehow unwilling to convince or force a man to get this unnecessary, serious, and painful surgery ("just ask nicely," advises a man whose girlfriend successfully convinced him to make the cut), there’s another solution: Google around a bit and you eventually come across a popular dating site for women like you who are looking to only meet circumcised men. It’s called JDate.
My drug dealer keeps asking me out. I don't want to date him, but I really like him as a dealer. What should I do?
Begin to enter “drug dealer wants” into Google, and it will guess you’re typing “drug dealer wants to kill me.” Consider yourself lucky you’re not one of the people looking for help with that.
At what point in a conversation with a straight guy who struck up a conversation at a party or bar should I tell him that I have a boyfriend and thus he is wasting his time talking to me? Or is it rude to assume he just wants to hit on me?
Google says we need to look to a polyamory message board on this one (“tell him that I have a boyfriend,” sixth result), but based on the rest of your query, I’m going to assume you’re not looking to fall in love with each and every member of the football team.
Unfortunately, people in real life don’t have status bars that hover above faces indicating their sexual interest in the individuals with whom they’re speaking or whether or not they’re romantically available. Google might suggest you skip real life and just hang around the Internet, where people are always documenting their romantic lives and advertising their sexual interest.
But maybe you can come to enjoy these doomed conversations and their amusing place in the anarchy that is human interaction. Perhaps having interesting conversations with people willing to procure alcohol for you is the price you pay for going through life in a happy relationship. You poor thing.
But I’m not going to let Google throw in the towel, so here's a collection of cheap clothes that have the words Sorry guys, I’m taken printed on them (“sorry guys I’m taken,” first result), available in everything from an infant onesie to a business-oriented polo shirt.
Got a question? Let me Google that for you: email@example.com