Robert Pattinson, resplendent in a crisp Gucci suit, made his first post–Kristen Stewart–cheating-scandal appearance on The Daily Show last night. Though he did his best to look relaxed with adorably bashful smiles, tiny bird-bites of ice cream, and a few rueful jokes about his lack of publicist, there were a lot of long, awkward silences. (And don't think he managed to fool us with the ice cream — he didn't really eat any of it. Maybe he didn't want to dribble on his suit? Is lactose intolerant? Already had ice cream that day? Doesn't like Ben & Jerry's Karamel Sutra — although that's borderline impossible because that stuff if the goddamn nectar of the cow gods?)
Anyway, his pregnant pauses beg for interpretation. He's obviously conflicted about the ice cream, and hesitant about the table, the chair, Jon Stewart's jokes, and pretty much everything else that's going on around him. We've taken some creative license with his inner monologue in the following video.