Jake, 39, is a self-made Wall Street womanizer. Victoria, 38, is an ambitious novelist who lured him in, then shortened the leash. After a tumultuous four-year relationship, they reunite to discuss why he wouldn't put a ring on it — and why she assaulted him with her Manolo Blahniks.
In a former life I was a nightlife promoter. A friend of Victoria’s told her to come to a party I was throwing, and said, “Look for a guy named ‘Jason.’” She mixed up the names, and ended up asking for me, because my name was on the invite. I thought she was gorgeous, so I played along for about 40 minutes.
He said, “Oh by the way, I’m not really that guy you were looking for.” I was like, “Whatever. You’re hot. Call me.”
The next day was Valentine’s Day. I was dating a bunch of women so I obviously couldn’t contact them because they’d take it too seriously. But I figured the new girl wouldn’t take anything too seriously. So I gave Victoria a call and she said, “I have a date, are you crazy?” But she called me right after the date and we had a bunch of drinks. She insisted, "There’s no way I’m coming home with you, show some respect!”
We ended up at his apartment. I was like, Screw it. The statistics of breaking up or staying together are the exact same, whether you have sex on the first date or not.
I would invite Victoria to my parties, because I knew I could always get away to "check on things." But Tori is wired like a man. That’s what I loved about her. She always pegged it. I was flirting with a waitress at a club once, about to give her a little spanking maybe, and Victoria walked up behind me, grabbed my hand, and said, “Oh hell no!”
There were always a million girls around him, tables and tables of beautiful women. Even though I’m Latina, I’m not a jealous person. If you piss me off, that’s another story.
A few months in, she lost her job and stealth-moved-in. That was probably the worst day of my life. I hyperventilated all night.
I was like, “By the way, I don’t have my apartment anymore so I’m moving my stuff in here.” In retrospect that's pretty ballsy. I wasn’t scared, but he couldn’t breathe for a week.
At the time all I wanted to do was grow my business, not a relationship. I was up front about that.
He made it clear work came first. He didn’t come from money; he didn’t have a lot of stuff his friends had. That made him super-ambitious. I could relate to that. I don’t have rich or famous parents; I don’t come from anything. We were both hungry.
I remember talking about a friend who had fallen in love, and I said, “He’s so done.” And she slapped me and said, “What do you mean? You’re so done!”
He adjusted. I cooked for him. I take care of my men.
We had a good time. She had a great policy: Fuck him and feed him.
Two years into it, I was taking my old stuff out of storage, and he had another freak-out. Meanwhile, I think he only once said “I love you” without me prompting him.
I was young, wild, and work-obsessed. Marriage was never once on my mind. Getting out of the relationship was on my mind. I was a complete pussy about it. My friends were like, “She’s beautiful and successful, she’ll be fine!” But I had guilt.
I kept saying, "Why don’t you want to marry me? What else can I do? What? What! I take care of you! I do everything right!" I couldn’t wrap my head around it. I remember when he found us a new apartment, it was so nice. But when we went furniture shopping he said, “No more furniture. No more stuff.”
In my heart, I knew she was never going to live there.
I went to Aspen for a week with friends, and Jake was going to meet us there. It was our four-year anniversary, Valentine’s Day. The girls were talking nonstop about how it shouldn’t take four years for a guy to know he wants you to be his wife. I was getting madder and madder. Something had to give.
I got to Aspen and she was a white-hot firecracker of Latina temper.
I was pissed. I was cursing at him in Spanish and throwing Manolos at him — only because my ski boots were too heavy.
A shoe flew by my head. She was like, “There had better be a ring in that bag!” I was like, “Are you out of your mind?” Then we settled down and had some sex.
When we got back, I said I was done. He was like “What do you mean?” He liked it the way it was, boyfriend and girlfriend. Marriage-free. He had a good deal.
When she said that, a weight was lifted from my shoulders; there was music from the heavens. The night she moved out, I had a date. Since the break up, she’s accosted every woman I've dated, saying, “Don’t waste your time.” She also told people that one of my girlfriends was a hooker, kleptomaniac, and drug addict.
I tell him exactly how I feel about his new girlfriends. Some girls, I’ve liked. Some are crazy. He doesn’t listen, but always tells me I’m right in the end.
Before her current boyfriend, who I adore, she was dating these old ugly guys. The rich guy with the heart condition, you know? I call her my favorite gold-digger.
When I met Jake, he had nothing. So this gold-digger nonsense is not valid. Plus, any girl who says she doesn’t like being taken out by a rich guy is lying.
I’ve dated so many certifiable psychos since her that, comparatively speaking, Victoria was the normal one. She was nuts, but a good nuts. I realize now that all those digs, knives — shoes — thrown at me, were out of love.
At the very least, Jake inspired the “Prime Time Player” character in the book I’m writing, The Menhattan Project. Today, I’m madly in love with my boyfriend, a successful model named Peter Argue. He gives me everything I could want and more. With Jake, it was like “Love me, love me, love me.” It shouldn’t be that way. But Jake can only love someone so much.
I’ve finally accomplished everything I wanted to financially and professionally, and now I’m single and looking. It’s wife time.
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